The Top 50 of 2009: Part One - 50 to 26

It's a little late in coming, but here is part one of the year's best songs...

50. "One Love" - David Guetta feat Estelle (One Love)
Brit pop star Estelle brings a gospel stomp to this techno gem.

49. "Telephone" - Lady Gaga feat Beyonce (The Fame Monster)
Beyonce may have struck first, releasing a remix of her I Am... Sasha Feirce single "Video Phone" featuring the Gaga one, but "Telephone" is ten-million percent better.

48. "Throwing My Arms Around Paris" - Morrissey (Years Of Refusal)
Paris the city. Not Paris Hilton.

47. "Evacuate The Dancefloor" - Cascada (Evacuate The Dancefloor)
One of the many trashy "Just Dance" rip-off from 2009, only featuring the greatest line in techno history: "Stop, this beat is killing me."

46. "When Doves Cry" - The Twilight Singers feat Appolonia (Purplish Rain)
From Spin magazine's tribute to the classic soundtrack to Purple Rain comes this moody, spooky reading of the title song.

45. "Story Of A Heart" - Benny Andersson Band (Story Of A Heart)
The closest thing to ABBA reunion we may ever get.

44. "Whatcha Say" - Jason Derulo (Jason Derulo)
Producer JR Rotem samples Imogen Heap for the strangest r&b single to top the Hot 100. True story.

43. "Sweet Dreams" - Beyonce (I Am... Sasha Feirce)
Queen B finally goes the entire electro pop route, and proves she can take any sound to the charts.

42. "Fireflies" - Owl City (Ocean Eyes)
Sometimes, a radio single is so delightfully giddy and insanely catchy, nobody cares it's about an insomniac counting fireflies.

41. "Feel It In My Bones" - Tiesto feat Tegan & Sara (Kaleidoscope)
Yes, lesbian twins like techno, too.

40. "Heartbreak On Vinyl" - Blake Lewis (Heartbreak On Vinyl)
So do American Idol runners-up.

39. "Love Sex Magic" - Ciara feat Justin Timberlake (Fantasy Ride)
Hot funky vibes and a sick as hell lyrical back and forth makes me wish JT and Ciara teamed up more often.

38. "Use Somebody" - Kings On Leon (Only By The Night)
Everybody covered this rock track, and radio played it so much I almost got sick of it. Almost...

37. "3" - Britney Spears (The Singles Collection)
Britney + Max Martin + dirty sex talk = pop gold.

36. "High Hopes & Heartbreaks" - Brooke White (High Hopes & Heartbreaks)
American Idol '08's resident good girl takes a ride on the sunny side of Cali pop and breaks her heart in the process.

35. "Good Girls Go Bad" - Cobra Starhip feat. Leighton Meister (Hot Mess)
Emo pop band meets Gossip Girl star and sparks fly.

34. "Down" - Jay Sean feat Lil Wayne (All Or Nothing)
Beautiful techno-pop with the Weezy cameo required to make it a smash hit.

33. "I Get Off" - Halestorm (Halestorm)
Female-fronted rock band enjoys vouyerism and hard guitars.

32. "Eat You Up" - BoA (BoA: The First Album)
Why America couldn't embrace a Korean chick with fly beats and funky dance moves I will never understand.

31. "Please Don’t Leave Me" - P!nk (Funhouse)
Please don't think I'm an obsessive stalker chick, just cause I am.

30. "You Found Me" - The Fray (The Fray)
They found God on the corner of Billboard and Number 13.

29. "Million Dollar Bill" - Whitney Houston (I Look To You)
Alicia Keys penned this funky ode to praiseworthy lovers. Why can't her upbeat stuff ever sound this good? Cuz she ain't Whitney.

28. "Fallin For You" - Colbie Calliat (The Breakthrough)
And to think, two years ago I hated Colbie Calliat. But when you create a song that mixes the best parts of Sheryl Crow, Fleetwood Mac and new love, you create a winner.

27. "The Room Where You Sleep" - Dead Man’s Bones (Dead Man's Bones)
Ryan Gosling is not just that hottie from The Notebook. He's also the frontman for a creepy children's choir-guesting southern Gothic rock band. This song is creepy as fuck. I like it.

26. "Hot Stuff" - Alison Ireheta (American Idol performance)
Taking Donna Summer's classic disco hit about working girls and amping up the rock beat to match your insane whisky-soaked vocals takes more balls than a 16-year-old girl should have.

Paul And His Littlest Hag Present: The Party Jams Of '09

My cousin Sarah and I go way back, I babysat her when she was five and six years old and we've been close ever since. We go shopping, do lunch and hang out all the time. She even went with me and my boyfriend to Pride this year, which cemented her status as My Littlest Hag. She's only 11, but she's the coolest 11-year-old I know!

One of our favorite activities is going shopping and jamming out during the car ride to and from the mall. We both fell in love with some random party-starter music this year. Here is our picks for Party Jams Of '09 (in no particular order.)"Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" - Beyonce
Yeah, I Am... Sasha Fierce came out in 2008. But that didn't stop "Single Ladies" from becoming a pop culture force that continued into the new year. Sarah and I spent hours on YouTube watching all the ridiculous spoofs and homages to the hand-twisting, ass-slapping and leg gyrating choreography of the video. Yeah, it might not be the best video of all time, Kanye, but it is pretty sweet.

"Bad Romance" - Lady Gaga
Sarah dressed as Gaga for my Halloween party, so picking just one jam from Our Lady Of Perpetual Pop-tasticness was difficult. But "Bad Romance" is a true party starter, from the "Ra-Ha-Ah-Ah" in the first few seconds to the the epic bridge and all the techno glory in between.

"When Love Takes Over [Electro Radio Edit]" - David Guetta feat Kelly Rowland
Yes, I have to specify the correct mix. The album and radio/video versions are too tame for party kids like us, the remixes too long and harsh. The Electro Radio Edit is just perfect, three minutes of pure pop punctuated with a techno stamp at the ends of the verses. If Sarah and I ever realize our dream of an under 16 club, this song will be in permanent rotation.

"Tik Tok" - Ke$ha
Like a low-rent version of Lady Gaga, Ke$ha has redeemed herself from the folly of singing the hook on "Right Round" with an ode all night partying. Should an 11-year-old being dancing to a song that glorifies bad dental hygiene like "brush[ing] my teeth with a bottle of Jack"? Probably not. But I'm her gay, not her mother.

"Don't Stop Believin'" - The Cast Of Glee
Led by Broadway star Lea Michele, the cast of Fox's musical blockbuster Glee tackled the Journey classic to cap off the debut episode. Show choir may never be "sexy" but thanks to the inspirational lyrics, Lea's stunning vocals and an arrangement that starts out a Capella and ends with a full band, it will be friggin' awesome. And perfect for car ride sing alongs!

"She Wolf" - Shakira
Two words: howl along. The chorus of Shakira's brilliant French Disco-inspired single is perfect to sing along to, but even better if you can time yourself right to howl at the right spots. Sarah and I can.

"3" - Britney Spears
I did not pick this song. Sarah choose it for the list, and I could not really ask her if she was sure she wanted a song about menage a trois on her party playlist. The beat is hot, though. I'm hoping that's the only reason Sarah likes it.

"Watcha Say" - Jason DeRulo
Again, it's a sing-along chorus that won't quit. Yeah, it's borrowed from Imogen Heap's moody "Hide And Seek" but it's still hot. And those horns are fire.

"Replay" - Iyaz
Shorty might be like a melody in Iyaz's head, but this JR Rotem-produced single is perfect earworm fodder for me. The melody is playful and fun, easy to remember and hooky as hell. Little wonder I keep singing it like my iPod's stuck on replay. Clever bastard.

"Down" - Jay Sean feat Lil' Wayne
First, Jay Sean is fucking hot. I'm just putting that out there. Second, this pop/R&B single is glossed with so much electro sheen I don't think you could avoid dancing like a gaysted club kid every time it comes on. And since Sarah and I know all the words to Weezy's rhyme, it's a perfect sing-along.

"Supermassive Black Hole" - Muse
You can thank Twilight for bringing this buzzed-up guitar-laden rock song to our collective attention. While other's might debate Jacob vs Edward, Sarah skips the whole discussion and goes straight for beefy Emmet. Wait, we were talking music?

Writer's Block

You may have noticed the complete dearth of posts over the past month. Yeah, I have writer's block. I've never had total writer's block before, usually I just can't write about the particular topic I wanted to. I can usually find something else to post, though. Right now, I just look at a blank screen and can't formulate a sentence that isn't boring as shit.

So, I am currently writing about not being able to write. I guess that's a start. I noticed the writing quality of my posts over the last few months has gone downhill, I think that it scared me and my brain decided not to write at all. But I'm going to attempt some year end lists either this week or next and I'm hoping that will start a resurgence of creative flow. We'll see.

Til then, Happy Holidays!

Trashy Thursday: "Nothing In This World" - Paris Hilton

Trashy Thursdays will be happening every Thursday (duh) and will feature the trashy pop songs I kinda love. Don't get it twisted, I think pop music is an art form. But like all art, there are brilliant artistic works that are fresh and dynamic and new as well as less inspired pieces of art. Sometimes those less inspired bits are as much fun as the "good" stuff, that's why we're getting trashy!

Paris Hilton is pretty much useless as a singer, but she's not the first girl to make up for it by surrounding herself with top-notch songwriters and producers to make a half-way decent record. Well, half-way decent trash-pop record.

"Nothing In This World" is co-written and produced by Dr. Luke, who is a pop genius. The song is similar to some of his other contemporaneous productions, like "Since U Been Gone" and "Girlfriend" The video is what puts it over the top, it stars a high-school geek who is obsessed with Paris and fantasizes about her. When she moves in next door, he gets her to pretend she's his girlfriend. It's cute, in a slightly pervy kinda way.

Lady Gaga Is Crazy. "Bad Romance" Is Just One Bit Of Evidence

Lady Gaga is a pretty crazy artist, her songs are brilliant examples of how pop music can be both a product and an artistic statement. Her videos are sheer ridiculousness, from the house party gone mad in "Just Dance" to a subway crashing orgy on "Love Game" to a mini-movie on the high price (and death toll) of fame in "Paparazzi." Even the more ordinary video treatments of "Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)" or "Poker Face" come off as high concept fashion photography than run of the mill pop video making.

But nothing in the past has given us warning as what was to come. "Bad Romance" is as high concept as anything Gaga has ever done, with even more costumes and creepy dancing. Apparently in the Bath Haus of Gaga, they grow sex slaves in pods who are then auctioned off. Or something. The plot isn't important, the costumes are! From the diamond encrusted hat/crown thingy to the insane shoes to the polar bear cape, this video say "couture" in all caps.

As a blond pop singer, Lady Gaga has been compared frequently to Madonna. But I think Grace Jones meets Andy Warhol is probably a more accurate comparison. Watch and decide:



In case the video gets pulled, here's the best bits:

The video opens with The Haus Of Gaga Christmas card photo. I think Uncle John's making a funny face in this one, we'll take another just in case.

"Why Lady Gaga, what big eyes you have!"
"All the better to be fierce with, my dear."

"Quick, grab her before she gets away with all the diamonds!"

These close ups, where Gaga is crying, make her look so intensely beautiful.

That cape? Is FIYA!

When The Video Doesn't Match The Song: Snow Patrol's "Just Say Yes"

I loved Snow Patrol's brilliant Eyes Open album, but the singles I heard from their last release did nothing for me. But when I heard this new song from the Irish band's upcoming Up To Now hits collection I was excited again!

The song is synthy pop brilliance, the chorus is very "Chasing Cars" vocally but musically it's a lot more poppy and almost upbeat. I really enjoyed hearing Gary Lightbody's warm and loose vocals over the bed of pop beats and keyboards, it creates an urgency that makes his vocals contrast.

But the vocals of the song stay loose and smooth, warm and beautiful but not urgent or hysterical. So why is Gary pulling diva faces and jumping around in the clip for the single? If he wanted to show us that level of angst and pain, he should have sung it that way. It may have improved the song, it may have ruined it. I don't know. But the faces he's making don't match the voice that comes out, which destroys the integrity of the clip. The song gets a pair of thumbs up, the video is a waste of time:


Snow Patrol - Just Say Yes

Snow Patrol | MySpace Video

A Real Housewife, A Real Moment Of Musical Brilliance

For those who thought Paris Hilton's Paris was the height of pop music excellence in the new millennium, I have some news for you...

Kim Zolciak is the talented blond from Real Housewives Of Atlanta who makes Paris look like one of those indie chicks who think they can sing but obviously can't. I mean, Fiest doesn't even use a vocoder. What kind of music is that? Seriously, Miley Cyrus's "Party In The USA" might have some competition in the Party Anthem Of All Time. Because here, with the most brilliant pop melody and sheer vocal talent, is Kim's "Tardy For The Party"



Clearly Lady Gaga and Madonna can retire, Cher shouldn't even consider another comeback and Britney and Christina can stick to stay-at-home mom status because we don't need any other pop stars now that Kim Zolciak has blessed us with her gift. All praise to Jesus and hair extensions. Thank you, Andy Cohen, for allowing us to witness the birth of a live performer who will make Barbra Streisand weep.