How Do You Burlesque?

I finally got around to seeing the much-discussed movie musical Burlesque the other afternoon. The film is a delightful romp, if you don't look too close at the weak and overplayed plot.

Christina Aguilera is perfectly serviceable as Ali, a young girl from Ohio who drops her job as a waitress and buys a ticket to LA to find fame and fortune. It's a tale as old as film, but director Steve Antin does manage to obscure the frequently used plot under a layer of glitz and feathers. When Ali doesn't find a singing job during her first day in LA, she is intrigued by a glimpse of dancer Coco lounging on a balcony outside Cher's club.

The plot goes into overdrive, Ali forces her way into a waitress job and then her rented room is burglarized, leading her to stay with the bartender. When she realizes he isn't gay, a flirtatious friendship emerges. She lucks into an audition for a dancing position, then a singing job and a romance with Grey's Anatomy's Eric Dane. Dane's Marcus wants to buy out the club, but Cher isn't selling. Even as her ex-husband and business partner (played Peter Gallager's Eyebrows) tries to talk her into it, because (plot point!) the business isn't making any money.

In the end, Cher [SPOILER ALERT] doesn't have to sell the Burlesque club and Christina is a stripping/dancing/singing triple threat and Stanley Tucci is funny as hell. So all is well, but the real reason to see Burlesque is for the amazing musical numbers. Cher and Christina each have a show stopping ballad and there are several jazzy stripteases. Plus, Cam Gigandent's naked with just a box of Famous Amos covering his cookies.

Christina Is Not Herself Tonight. She's Madonna.

I must admit, Christina Aguilera's new single "Not Myself Tonight" is growing on me. The video just released this morning, it's really spicy and totally Madonna. As in, she steals scenes from Madonna videos and just adds shots of the new Christina fragrance and calls it a video. I kinda dig it. Dirrty Xtina is back! Oh, kinda NSFW.

I'm Back! ...And In Search of The Perfect Pop Record

Hi, kids! It's been a while, I know. I thought a new season of American Idol would spur me into a writing frenzy. It did not. This season sucked giant donkey balls, so I quit watching.

Meanwhile, I've kept my ears open for fresh, cool music to share with y'all. I still felt the need to post deep in my soul, but I needed something to post about. So when Christina Aguilera posted her new single from her upcoming electronica-tinged disc Bionic, I got excited.

The single cover for "Not Myself Tonight" is fantastic. It is one of the coolest single covers since Kelly Clarkson's "My Life Would Suck Without You." But the song... eh, not so much. Produced by Palow Da Don, it has a passing resemblance to his masterpiece "Forever" by Chris Brown. But it's so boring, I can't even remember what it sounds like right after listening to it. It's quite disappointing; I was hoping for a phenomenal return from the Dirrty diva.

Which led me to my new feature: In Search of The Perfect Pop Record. I already have several candidates, and I'm hoping for my readers to suggest a few more. Here are the requirements for A Perfect Pop Record:

*Enjoyable Hooks: The Record has to get stuck in your head after just a listen or two. You must find yourself singing it at the grocery store, weeks after you heard it last. But you can't want to kill yourself because it's stuck in your head.

*Succinct Production: The Record can't have an extra note anywhere. It must be exactly the right length, not ten seconds too long or too short. You can't add anything, you can't take anything away.

*Extraordinary Resilience: The Record cannot be readily improved, but it must be open to interpretation. It has to be able to be covered and remixed but still keep you coming back to the original, even while enjoying the new version. It has to be able to show up on American Idol, be used a Broadway play or be featured in a commercial for tampons and still make you want to hear it.

*Enduring Popularity: Pop music is a genre, yes. But pop is short for popular, so the Record has to have a following. Whether it's widespread appeal or a small-yet-fervent fanbase, people have to hear it and love it.

*It has to be a record: There are great pop standards, and we may explore them during our search. But a great song like "The Man I Love" has been recorded so many times, we would have to pick the definitive recording to be The Perfect Pop Record. Like an Immortal (or a Hollaback Girl), there can only be one.

No matter the official genre names (pop-punk, electro-pop, bubblegum pop, teen pop, hip-pop, country-pop) if it fits the above category, it could be The Perfect Pop Record. Suggestions are suggested. Check back every Monday for a new candidate as we go In Search of The Perfect Pop Record.

PS: Trashy Thursdays are also returning! Because how will we recognize Perfect Pop unless we spotlight it's shadow side?

My Gay Music Limit Is Officially Breached: Christina Aguliera's Electro-Chill Cover of A Marlene Dietrich Classic

Christina has always been the best vocalist of the girl singer explosion in the late 1990s, I doubt there is any contention of that statement (shut up, Jessica fans!)

On the new recordings for her recent hits collection, Keeps Gettin' Better: A Decade Of Hits, X-tina ditched the retro-jazz flavored pop of Back to Basics for a bubbling electro blitz that downplays the oft times overly theatrical vocal runs that come with being a tiny lady with a big ol' voice. Her re-crafted "You Are What You Are (Beautiful 2008)" was a prime example of that really chill sound that I am loving.

Marlene Dietrich performed "Falling In Love Again (Can't Help It)" in her breakthrough role as a cabaret singer in The Blue Angel. It is one of Marlene's signature songs (although I prefer "I May Never Go Home Anymore" from Witness For The Prosecution) but it's been covered by noted song interpreters like Nina Simone, Billie Holiday, Doris Day, Linda Ronstad and Marianne Faithfull. It comes as no surprise that Christina, who loves all things retro and jazzy, would latch onto the song. What better way to bridge the span between 1930s jazz and uber-modern chill than by covering a jazz standard introduced to us by the original blond ice princess?

Girlfriend recorded "Falling In Love" for the film The Spirit, which was a critical and finacial bomb last month. Little wonder it took me a month to find out about the song, nobody saw that shit and the soundtrack is not available. Too bad! It's a gorgeous (if overly long) techno masterpiece. Blending a low key vocal with a nu-jazz meets ambient beat, it is the very definition of chill music. Perfect for cooling off after the heavier techno on the dancefloor, or playing in the privacy of your own home while grabbing your man by the belt and pulling him to the bedroom.

Even though Electroqueer's guest blogger Will W wasn't crazy about it, I am salivating at the thought of this being the new direction for Christina's summer release. Trimmed down to a radio edit length, this could be HOT! Listen:

Let's Talk About Chicks, Man...

OK, I'm no David Cook, but I do wanna talk about chicks, man. Specifically new music from the ladies...

First, we have producer-to-the-stars Darkchild trying to out-dream The-Dream with an "Umbrella"-esque feel-good jam. Brandy is back with a new album December, and the lead single is war-time lullaby with a beat called "Right Here (Departed)" The video is ham-handed in it's message, (ala "Pocketful Of Sunshine") but the song is pure joy. The singer/actress releases Human on December 9th.

Speaking of singer/actresses, Beyonce's double disc I Am... Sasha Fierce releases tomorrow. I'm not crazy about the Chris Gaines style marketing ploy, but "If I Were A Boy" is an acoustic soul/pop hybrid. Addressing the double standard between the sexes is not a new pop idea, but Beyonce brings an emotional edge lacking from a track like Christina Aguilera's "Can't Hold Us Down" Others may be all about "Single Ladies" (which is a fantastic track in it's own right, plus gave us a brilliant SNL sketch with my other future boyfriend, Justin Timberlake) but I'm really in love with Beyonce as a boy. Of course, if she was a boy I'm doubting she would "drink beer with the guys" more I do believe she's a better man than I. (Oh, and I'm loving that she used her all-female band for the EMA performance of the song! It's more gender-queer than Katy Perry ever dreamed of being.)

"Can't Hold Us Down" is one of the few singles missing from Christina's Keeps Getting Better... A Decade Of Hits. But the album gives us two new songs, plus two new versions of prior hits. "Genie 2.0" was given a preview at the VMAs this year, and the full version is amazing. I just bought this military-style jacket from DC and when I'm driving down the highway in it and this uber-modern electronic song comes on I fell like a post-apocalyptic general weaving in between mobile storage units. I have to save my boyfriend (played by LL Cool J) and our puppy from a cyborg mad scientist on the way, too. I have a vivid imagination sometimes.


One other album track you should be checking out is from Taylor Swift's new album, Fearless. "White Horse" is the emotional opposite of my previous favorite off the new CD, "Love Story" In that song, Romeo sweeps in to save the day and whisks Juliet off in a storybook ending. "White Horse" is grounded in a more realistic emotional space. Against a light jazz piano, acoustic guitar and a country fiddle a story unfolds of childhood romantic fantasies crushed. But even though "I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale. I'm gonna find somebody someday who might actually treat me well... it's too late for you and your white horse to come around." Taylor Swift is growing into one of the most interesting songwriters in the business. "White Horse" actually made it's premiere on Grey's Anatomy, the launching pad for indie singer/songwriters like Ingrid Michealsen. She fully deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as country music's finest female writers like Dolly Parton and Shania Twain.

Christina Aguilera Thinks I'm Beautiful... Again!

Christina Aguilera rerecorded a few of her old pop hits for her new collection Keeps Gettin' Better: A Decade Of Hits, exclusively at Target this coming week. She previewed a sexy electro version of "Genie In A Bottle" at the VMAs this year, which had me excited. Now I know I have to hit the Target on my lunch break next Tuesday, just because some foreign language blog has leaked a chill new mix of Christina's greatest single. "You Are What You Are (Beautiful 2008)" was described by Entertainment Weekly as "how John Lennon might've sounded if he'd lived into the age of electro" and I couldn't agree more. Over a distorted organ, blurping electronic noises and simple backbeat Xtina's synthesized vocal speak-sings the classic words that have become an anthem for the disenfranchised of the world: "You are beautiful no matter what they say" It's haunting, and thanks to a wise decision to eschew the melisma that overshadow the lyrical strength of the original, more powerful than ever.

So, forget the fact that you're overweight, you need a shave and you may never have the right to get married. You are beautiful, no matter what they say, words won't bring you down. Not today. Not any day. You are what you are, you are beautiful...

Christina Aguilera - You Are What You Are (Beautiful 2008)