Top Chef Recap: Wedding Bells And Sexy Tomatoes

Previously on Top Chef: Ariane won. What? I know! Alex goes home to his fiance. Hot guys left: 2, maybe. Boo!

This week, it was all about the Swedish bad boy, Stefan. In the opening moments of the episode he's left another gift for Jamie, a little plush toy dressed in pants made from a Calphalon dish rag. She thinks he has a crush on her, which he sort of admits to. He thinks she's sexy, and tries to get her to kiss him later in the episode. Maybe lesbian means something different in Sweden?

In the Quickfire challenge, it's a bracket-style head-to-head. The chefs taste sauces and have to out-guess each other as to the ingredients. After Hosea interviews that his competitor Daniel has more brains than people give him credit for, Daniel proves him a liar by say he thinks he'll win the challenge. Why? Cause he feels like a winner. I feel like a lesbian today, does that mean Jamie will kiss me? Daniel's out in the first round. Good, I don't have to listen to him breathe through his twatwaffle facial hair. Hosea beats out Carla and Stefan to win the quickfire.

After a knife draw creates teams Old, New, Borrowed and Blue, Padma reveals the chefs will be cooking for judge Gail Simmons' wedding shower. Cheap way to throw a shower, Padma. Get your show to foot the bill. Daniel interviews that he thinks Gail will make a hot bride. Eww, he's kinda creeping me out.

Team Old is Jeff, Stefan and Hosea. They decide on an heirloom tomato trio. Jeff is making a tomato sorbet. Hosea is making a chilled tomato soup. Stefan is making a tomato terrine and enemies. Oh, what! He's telling Jeff his sorbet will melt before they can serve it. He's bossing Hosea around, telling him what kinds of tomatoes to use in his soup and calling him a douche boy. Before the plates go out, he says the sorbet isn't sexy. Thing is, his terrine of eggplant wrapped tomato slices looks gray and mushy, the opposite of sexy. He's just being a total twatwaffle. Anyway, upon serving the dish all the dishes get some good reviews from Gail and her 45 female guests, including Food & Wine editor-in-chief Dana Cowin.

Team New is Carla, Eugene and Daniel. Daniel and Eugene collaborate on an OK idea of new-style surf & turf sushi. It's all cooked, but rolled like sushi. They decide to make them awful by deconstructing them so you have to roll your own. Carla is making a microgreen salad in little fried wonton wrapper bowl. They seem OK, a little boring. But then Daniel has to go a ruin them with some mushrooms. AND NOT TELL CARLA ABOUT IT! Rude, and gross. The microgreens are fresh and bright, mushrooms are heavy and earthy. They don't go together at all. And to really make things bad, they don't tell the guest they have to roll the sushi. Really awful, crowded plating, too.

Team Borrowed is Ariane, Rahdika and Jamie. They borrow some Indian flavor from Rahdika's heritage and Jamie's secret ingredient stash. Ariane is cooking the lamb, which Rahdika's making the marinade and yogurt sauce for. Jamie is spicing some carrot puree with her secret Vadouvan spice blend. The judges and guest rave over the dish, and it looks and sounds really tasty. Except the lamb part. I don't like eating baby animals. The chefs freak out about it not getting cooked through in time, but they wait an extra two minutes and it's cooked perfectly.

Team Blue are Melissa, Leah and Fabio. Since there are no blue foods, they opt for deep water fish, like a Chilean Sea Bass and some blue corn flour coating. It's placed on top of a bed of chard and a corn sauce. It looks really boring, and one of Gail's girlfriends says it looks like old people food. Ouch.

Of course, a bridal shower brings up wedding talk. Ariane blathers on about it being a woman's special day, but then cracks me up with her comment "You'd like to think she only gets one." Stefan tells Tom Collichio that he's been married twice, to the same chick. They're divorced again, but he's not trying for a third time. Of course not, he's still holding out for Fabio. Only problem is, Fabio's married. His wedding picture on the show is friggin' hot, I couldn't find that one. But this picture is also really hot. He's a little cocky, but he's hot enough to make up for it.

At the judges table, Ariane and Team Borrowed is given high praise, and Jamie really wants to be named the winner. But Ariane is shocked to discover she wins again! Jamie is trying to hold back, but I can tell she was pissed.

Carla also holds back when Team New is told off for their awful dish. She just calmly says she never tasted Daniel's mushrooms. If she wasn't a lady, she probably would have beat the jerk down for ruining her salad with them. OK, I'd probably beat him down. Maybe Carla really is a better person than me. She cooks with love, after all. Daniel gets the boot, and is a total jerk about it. He interviews that if he had thrown people under the bus, maybe he'd still be here. And it's true Eugene deserves some blame for the dish, but Daniel added the mushrooms, the beef and the useless BBQ sauce. Plus, I can't stand the fact he breathes like a fish out of water. I'm glad he's gone.

Next Week: MARTHA!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!

Top Chef Recap: Spitting Up Is Hard To Do

Last week: MFB Richard left, and much weeping ensued. Foo Fighters declared Ariane's turkey the best. Teams were named "Cougar" and "Sexy Pants." That is all...

OK, I'mma spell it out for y'all. This week's Top Chef was boring. I watched and re-watched it, notebook at the ready and dreaded the thought of recapping it. So, I shall just give you the highlights:

Rocco DiSpirito! Dreamiest chef, ever! The quickfire challenge was about making a breakfast amuse bouche, and Rocco revealed his love of bacon. The winning dish? Did not have bacon. He loses cool points for giving the Quickfire winner his book as a gift. Tacky!

Amushe Bouche: Use this term amongst your friends, you will sound super smart. It's a single bite hors d'ouvre, but it means "mouth pleaser" in French. I am twelve years old, obviously, because I found that incredibly amusing.

Quickfire Losers: Daniel made a childhood favorite, a cornflake-coated zucinni blossom stuffed with hash. What, your mother never made zucinni blossoms for breakfast? I guess she doesn't love you as much as Daniel's did. Of course, you could eat Chef Boyardee for breakfast like Jamie did as a kid. The thought makes me nauseous. Also not good: Fabio's "pudding-like" Espresso cream, per Padma.

Quickfire Winners: Leah, for a breakfast sandwich that was a true amuse bouche. Also ran Jamie made a similar dish, only with bacon, but it was a two biter, not an amuse bouche. Leah totally calls her on it, as she should.

My Quickfire Winner: Adriane, for her chive and bacon cream cheese stuffed french toast with chili-infused maple syrup. Coming from PA's maple syrup capitol, I know from maple syrup. It sounds really savory and sweet, which is my kind of breakfast. Or second breakfast. Or elevenses.

The Elimination Challenge: Create a dish to demo on live TV, in two and a half minutes. I found this hurried and uninteresting for the most part.

Aw, Spit: Melissa's shrimp had so much habernaro that Tom spit it out. After Padma did the same in the second week and Dave Grohl thought Richard's vanilla creme looked like spit last week, I though we had reached a spit-up quota only to matched by your average colicky baby. But no! Kathie Lee Gifford spits out Jeff's malfouf roll on real live TV. Next weeks challenge: make a dish that will not be compared, or cause any one, to spit.

Winner: Adriane's tomato and watermelon salad. Where does this come from? She was totally bottom three material the first two weeks, then gets great praise the next. She must be embracing her inner cougar!

Loser: Alex, for attempting a Creme Brulee in under an hour. This is apparently impossible, per Rocco. And I will believe anything that hot hunk o' man says. He packs his knives and goes back to his fiance and his wedding in a couple weeks. Lucky man! And another cute one bites the dust.

PS: I know, my paint skillz rival Perez Hilton's! You don't have to remind me...

Top Chef Recap: Foo Fighters & Turkey; or Who Spit On My S'Mores?

Since I work retail, it's not just Thanksgiving but also Black Friday that consumed my weekend. I know this post is late, and I'm skipping the pictures. Sorry!

Last Week: Jill made glue-flavored dog food out of an ostrich egg. She went home, obviously. Stefan and Fabio kissed. HoYay!

We open in the apartment, and it's boring chit-chat. I'm not wasting my holiday weekend recapping that shit. Moving on!

The cheftestants gather in the GE kitchen. Padma walks in and her rack is really something to behold. Maybe I've been blind, since boobs are not my thing, but I don't recall her having such spectacular cleavage. Someone got a new bra! (My aunt, the tiny faux-lesbian, has no boobs, and she has one bra that just creates something out of nothing. They exist!)

Anyway, enough tittie chatter. Christian Bale Grant Achatz is the guest judge. He's a "superstar" in the food world. Then why hasn't he been on Food Network, huh? HUH? I don't know you, Grant Achatz, if that is your real name... Bring me some Giada or Nigella, I'll get excited. Jamie is excited, so is Hosea. So he's a big deal to "people in the know." I am not in the know, and that's OK. I'm OK with The Naked Chef and Racheal Ray.

The chefs have to draw knives. Each knife has a big-ass number on it and I'm as mystified as they are as to what the numbers mean. It's a page number from The Top Chef Cookbook, available now in bookstores and makes a great holiday gift. Buy one!

It's a pretty simple challenge, at least the chefs seem to think so until Padma and Batman walk back in after about ten minutes. There is this weird camera angle on Padma, she's in profile and shouting "Stop!" She looks so intense for the first time ever. OH NO! She's showing human emotions this season, someone call the professor. The virus may spread to Heidi and our Host-bots will revolt!

The reason for stopping the cooks mid-chop is this: the Padma-bot wants soup. Y'all better make the lady some soup, who knows what other malfunctions she may have. Since there is no time make broth, some Swanson Broth has been provided. Say it again, Padma: Swanson Broth Soup Quickfire Challenge. Now that the sponsors have been please, go about your culinary business. Make a soup using the ingredients you already had out for the Top Chef recipe.

Leah is nervous, because she has Hung's Tuna Tartar with white asparagus. She has to make a chilled soup to have raw tuna. Plus, she hates white asparagus. Carla is also nervous about making a soup out of an Oil Poached Shrimp dish, but she feels like a culinary MacGyver. Also, she layers flavors and uses "that special ingredient, love." Aww, just like mama! Jamie is not worried, cause she loves soup. She uses Middle Eastern flavors all the time, so a soup based on a deconstructed falafel is a piece of cake. MFB Richard ran out of time before he could add extra lime juice to his Mexican soup.

Padma and The Dark Knight start tasting soups. Adriane is told her lamb is over cooked, MFB needed more acid but most of the reviews were positive. Daniel made a ham and egg soup, which Padma loved.

Jamie, Leah and Daniel were picked as the top recipes. Leah eked out a win, apparently you don't have to like white asparagus to cook with it. There is no bottom three, which is probably since there didn't seem to be a super-sucky soup.

Leah gets to choose a team, she picks Hosea, Jamie, Radhika, Michelle, Fabio and Stefan. Fabio is very excited about working with HFB (his future boyfriend) Stefan. Don't worry, there will be kissing!

Padma tells the teams that she has a video from the clients they will be cooking for. Foo Fighters! The teams will not be learning to fly, however. They are cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the band and their crew. The chefs are stoked, since all chefs want to be rock stars "and now we're cooking for rock stars!" Um, that's kinda sad. Cooking for someone in your dream job is not a thrill, it's a diss. Anyway, Padma has a copy of the band's tour rider, which is hoot to read! She gives the important bits: they love bacon, chocolate covered bananas and they have a bunch of vegans on their staff. Get your tofurkey on!

OK, I'm not a vegan, I love bacon and fried chicken too much to give it up. But I understand that vegans like to have their values respected just like everyone else. That said, it's Stories From Retail time! At work on Saturday I had a guy ask me if this pair of hiking boots was all man-made materials. They had a mixture of suede and nylon panels on them, so I replied in the negative. He turned to a younger guy I assumed was his son (who was totally cute, by the way!) and asked if that was too much leather. The kid scoffed and said it was. My brain is cycling through reasons why someone would want only man made materials, most customers are on the prowl for real leathers and won't believe me when I tell them that black polished leather is real leather. But I settle on the "moral dilemma" thing and ask if the dude is vegan. He was, and I showed him some vinyl snow boots. Dad is not pleased, because he doesn't think they look very comfortable or useful for walking. They are not the best boots we carry, but they are serviceable winter footwear. But I don't think Dad got his head around the fact that his kid didn't want leather, some parents don't understand their kids have values that differ from them. So I get vegans, even if I don't think I could ever become one. Plus, since yeast is a living being, can they eat leavened bread?

Back on topic! The chefs head to Rochester to cook a Thanksgiving feast at the arena. They get a tour of the building, but Fabio is just itching to get into the kitchen. However, the kitchen is actual an outdoor veranda with a bunch of shelves full of toaster ovens and microwaves. No fridge, no freezer. Yikes! Fabio opines that if they can do it in these conditions, no one has an excuse not to put out a good Thanksgiving. It's true, I managed to make Shoo-Fly Pie this year and only managed to coat the bottom of my oven in burning molasses. The pie turned out fabulous, though.

The teams plan their menus. Ariane is making turkey, Jeff suggests a banana s'more, since no freezer for chocolate covered bananas. Richard is making that, but it wasn't his idea. I want to you to remember that!

Off to the grocery, we learn that Leah's team is called Team Sexy Pants for no reason. Alex explains that his team is called Team Cougar, because Ariane is a cougar. She's a mom, and "older than some of us" but still works out in short shorts (I need video of this!) and is on the prowl. Um, OK. Someone has a Mrs Robinson crush. Ariane seems befuddled by this title, but it makes her smile.

They shopping done, and Fabio makes his move on Stefan again. He kisses him on the forehead before they leave the store. I'm really hoping these two kids make it work in this crazy world.

Back at the arena, Eugene proves to be the real McGyver as he rigs a grill out of chafing dishes and charcoal for making some pork loin. But it starts to rain and Fabio has an understandable freak-out about not going home because his tiramisu got wet. I understand, because a ruined tiramisu is a tragedy! Not like a tsunami or AIDS epidemic, but still pretty sad.

Daniel is also freaking out, cause his roasted potatoes won't brown. So he microwaves them and mixes them in with the mashed ones, at Eugene's suggestion. Sounds gross.

There is a mad rush to get the food on the buffet line before time runs out. Everything makes it. Boring! I wanted to see a mad turkey dash, with Ariane giving a hand off to Alex and having the poultry hit the floor. That would have been exciting!

Anyway, Hosea fanwanks over serving rock stars again. MFB Richard just wanks over serving hottie Tom Collichio. The boy is seriously in love!

The Judges and the Foos start at the Cougar's buffet. Spoonbread with figs standing in for stuffing, potatoes, pork loin, turkey, macaroni and cheese with what Alex calls "some love, baby" but the rest of use the word bacon. Dave Grohl gets a culinary boner over the bacon. Who doesn't? Bacon is the best food ever.

Taylor and Dave both diss the spoonbread, they are not a fan of the figs. But the turkey is perfectly cooked and the drummer loves the pork. Especially the fact he rigged his own smoker thingy. The potatoes are deemed "underdone" and the mac and cheese is beloved. Time to hit Sexy Pants' buffet.

Turkey, vegan cornbread stuffing, yams, roasted corn salad. Nate loves the stuffing, Dave loves the yams with burnt marshmallows. He really hams it up about the need for burnt marshmallows on yams. I think I would punch him in the balls if I hung out with him for any length of time.

The gang heads back for dessert. This year, I made all the desserts for Thanksgiving. I made an Apple-Cranberry Crisp and an Apple Crisp, two Pumpkin Pies and a Shoo-Fly Pie. They were delicious, and like William Hung I have no professional training. So what does a real chef do? Fabio makes a pumpkin tiramisu with cinnamon and roasted honey. It's sounds heavenly. There is also a blueberry-peach crisp with cinnamon cream at Sexy Pants buffet. Also sounds good. The Cougars made a peach cobbler and a berry parfait with pumpkin mousse. Not as appetizing, but the cobbler looks decent. Dave has a positive reaction to the s'mores at the buffet.

Back at the tasting table, Sexy Pants get a major thumbs up. Tom tries to get all "chef" on them, talking about how an Italian made an Italian classic with a American twist, but the Foos are just loving the sugar rush and don't care. Taylor disses the Barf-eit and the vanilla creme on the s'mores gets compared to spit. Tasty.

There is no clear consensus as to who should win. The desserts are better from Sexy Pants, but Cougars made a better turkey. Daniel thinks Cougar is gonna win, he has his party underwear on. That is not an image I wanted, thanks. Although it makes me wonder, does he shave his pubes like that? Eww! Why did I have to go there?

Foo Fighters pick Sexy Pants, who get to come to the concert. Cougars have to clean up. I guess Daniel will have to keep his party underwear to himself.

Daniel flips off Sexy Pants back at the stew room. Classy man, Mr. Twatwaffle Face. At the Judges tables, Gail give Ariane props for the perfectly moist turkey, but Daniel gets told about his awful potatoes. Jeff also gets blasted for his parfait and his spoon bread. But his leadership skills are appreciated by his team. He's a bit miffed that they are in the bottom, since they "have a lot of heart." As Simon would say, this isn't Heart Idol. The s'mores are named a "failed concept" by An American Psycho.

The judges deliberate, and MFB gets hit hard for his Smores, but so does Twatwaffle. The thing is, both guys were talked into these decisions by others. They didn't bring that up, which is admirable. Plus, it was ultimately their choice to make this shit. But they fact that the concept for the s'mores was Jeff's should have been discussed, since it was an Epic Fail. I guess I'm just fanwanking, because I want Daniel gone before Richard. Because I love him!

Speaking of the twat faced one, Daniel is dripping peanut butter on the floor in the stew room. Jamie (and her unfortunate choice of headgear) is having none of it! Daniel attributes her behavior to Aunt Flo, which is such an neanderthal thing to say.

Boo! It comes down to Jeff, Daniel and Richard. MFB goes home. He weeps, I weep, Justin Timberlake tells us to cry him a river. We do. He'd tried out three times before, and that makes me a little sad. That I fell in love with a loser! Just kidding, Richard. You will live in my heart next to Blake Lewis and that one guy from Top Design as my Reality TV Crushes.

Next Week: Kathie Lee Gifford doesn't swallow. No wonder her hubby cheated. I'm so timely with my jokes!

Top Chef Recap: Sour Grapes and Hot Dogs

Previously on Top Chef: I fell in love with Richard; some apples were peeled, food cooked and Team Rainbows formed. A tiny gay boy and an army wife went home. Yes, I know they have names. I just don't bother remembering the cannon fodder's handles. If they have names, I have to feel bad for them and I just don't have time for that.

We open at the apartments with a shirtless Jeff. Hello! He's not really my type, plus he seems more vain than I, but I can't really object to gratuitous male shirtlessness.

Richard relays his sadness at losing a member of Team Rainbow. I relay my sadness at finding out he has had a boyfriend for two years. Tiny emo tear= :'(

Ariane is sitting at the table with Carla, bedhead in full effect. It appears she is eating ice cream for breakfast. There is no judgement in that statement, just an observation. I mean, haven't we all had a pint (or half gallon) at dawn? No? Just me? OK then, moving right along. She is bemoaning the fact that she is one of the oldest contestants. Big deal, it's not like basketball, you don't reach your peak at 25.

The Real Swedish Chef, Stefan, gloats about winning both of the competitions in the first episode. Dude, one was a speed contest involving peeling apples. It's not really an indicator of culinary skillz. Anyway, he thinks Fabio is his biggest challenger. I think a man crush is forming.

Fabio seems unaware of the bromance brewing between him and the other half of the Euro Duo. He is more concerned with sharing this bit of Italian wisdom: "It doesn't matter how many dragons you kill, is who takes home the princess." Wise words. But in this case, is the princess Padma? The title of Top Chef? Princess Toadstool? Barbie As The Princess And The Pauper?

We arrive at the kitchen. Padma introduces guest judge Donatella Arpaia who owns a million restaurants in New York City. Padma lists them for a week or two, but forgets the name of one. Donatella reminds her of Kefi with a laugh that says "You better remember them all bitch, or I will cut you." I may have read too much into that laugh.

So the chefs have to cook a food that New Yorkers spend $100 milli on in a year. Melissa proves herself as the brain trust of the show by guessing cheesecake. Yes, I get that there is a New York style cheesecake, but seriously? I thought pizza, so I may not be any smarter than Missy. The answer to this puzzler is hot dogs.

Not only must the chefs make this street-food favorite but they compete against hot dog queen Angelique. She's so famous, she doesn't even get a chyron to let us know how to spell her name.

Fabio loves hot dogs, but doesn't know how to make them. Well first, get a broom. Sweep up whatever scraps are left from butchering your last kill. Push them into a casing, cook and serve. Not that hard! (Hehe, I said hard and hot dog in the same paragraph. I am so twelve years old!)

Immunity is up for grabs, and they have 45 minutes to make a "signature hot dog" I would cook a weenie, and write my name in ketchup. That's a signature hot dog.

Daniel is crushing hard core on "The Hot Dog Lady of All Time." Perhaps that's why he can't get his pickle jar open. That is not a euphemism. He is twisting, but no lid removal is happening. This is just getting dirtier! Anyway, it's nice to see a tough guy beard does nothing to sway a stuck jar lid.

Fabio decides he cannot beat "American hot dog at his own game." So hot dogs are male, the show is a female? Confusion continues to reign whenever the Italian talks. Anyway, he's making a sausage thing.

Stefen decides on a World Dog, which involves French bread, Irish tartar sauce, Italian sausage and Wisconsin cheddar, panini grilled. The tarter and cheese makes me think of a McDonald's fish sandwich, not really a Top Chef kind of thing.

Padma and Dontella begin tasting with Jill's spring rolls made with store bought hot dogs. They look a little sad, like a Family Circle recipe for budget appetizers. The ladies do not seem impressed. Radhike made a kabob-style sausage (whatever that means, you can't really see it under the onions, cucumber and tomato jam.) Donatella makes a face at Eugene's cheesy dog thing, but it's not really explained. Perhaps she's never had a Hawaiian's hot dog in her mouth before? I never have either, perhaps it's different... Carla made a lamb and pork sausage that was deemed "moist." Jamie's dog had a piece of bone in it. She says that "totally sucked" which a normal lesbian reaction to bones. Or is that boners? My bad...

Stefan gets pissy when his dish is placed at the bottom, next to Jill's. Radhike wins, which is swap from last week's bottom four performance. Good for her!

On to the elimination challenge! The chefs must make a "neo-American" lunch menu for fifty hungry New Yorkers. Each chef will be responsible for one dish. Immediately they start talking over each other, mostly clamoring for dessert it sounds like. Isn't that usually the course nobody wants? Jeff interviews he was just sitting back and letting "the children scream" which sounds like my babysitting strategy. Kidding! He does start organizing the chaos fairly quickly and efficiently.

Once the chefs are divided into courses, shopping can begin! Jill gets excited over an ostrich egg. She's going to make a quiche. OK, so you buy a giant egg to make something you can easily make with a dozen or so regular chicken eggs? Sounds so very cutting edge and "neo-American." Only not really.

Fabio gets some meat (not from Stefan), Richard buys peanut butter and fruit while Jamie peels some corn. And shopping is over.

Back at the kitchen, Fabio, Hosea, Jamie, Melissa and Leah form team Apps. Isn't that an adorably annoying way of saying appetizer? Jamie is making a chilled sweet corn soup. I'm not sure about the "chilled" part, but it sounds kinda tasty. I love corn, but hate soup. But this more like a puree of corn, not the lumpy concoction of various ingredients. My hatred of soup is a texture thing, not a flavor thing.

Jill requires some help for Fabio to crack open her ostrich egg. As the massive golden orb spills forth, Jamie snarks that there is difference between playing it safe and playing it ridiculous. Which makes for a great soundbite, until you listen to it. Of course, there is a difference! The two are a complete opposite.

Over in dessert land, where I long to retire, Carla, Daniel, MFB and Radhika are their sweets on. Adriene is making a lemon meringue martini. I love the idea of a lemon meringue drink, but it has to have enough tartness. She informs us that she's not a baker, so she's nervous. Wait, I thought this was a drink? I guess it's a drink with a meringue on top, so that's the baking required. And meringue is some what difficult to make. So why attempt it? Gah!

Tom walks into the kitchen to drop a couple of knowledge bombs up in this jawn. First, the restaurant for the challenge? His own, Craft. Also, the fifty hungry New Yorkers? All tried out for Top Chef, and didn't make it. Oh snap! This is not just a tough crowd, this a pissed out crowd out for blood. And a spin off show of their own.

We arrive back at the apartments, and the Euro Duo Man Crush Hour is back on. It's not as exciting as it sounds. Ooh, do we have some straight crushing going on, too? Leah admits to preferring the boyfriended state to the single one. Me and you both, honey! She looks like Vanessa Carlton as she cozies up to Hosea.

Day Two! Two hours are given for prep at Craft. Fabio dismisses Jamie's corn soup as being "pure and simple as it gets." Which compared to the spherical olives he's making for his salad, yeah it's pretty simple. He's got some olive puree which he places in some sort of liquid that suspends the puree in a ball, which is firm on the outside and liquid on the inside. I hate olives, but that is really cool anyway!

Adriane is wandering the kitchen, force-feeding her lemon cream to everyone like a demented mama bird. She gets a couple of reactions of "too sweet" so she considers making it again. Instead, she gets defensive: "You know what? It's what I made, it's what I'm gonna serve." That's the attitude of a WINNER!

Out in the dining room, the Top Chef rejects are arriving. As they are interviewed, I see why they didn't make it on the show. They were really hamming it up. "Cherry Surprise? What is that? I'm not happy about it!" Really?

Speaking of hams, Carla gets animatedly excited about Tom being in the kitchen. She needs a Seroquel, for reals. Or at least some Calms Forte.

Serving of the "Apps" begins. Jamie is really psyched about her corn soup, with chili oil and mint. That does sound good, really good. "Top three, for sure," she crows. Perhaps she is not over-confident, the judges really like it. Hosea is also quite stoked about his crab salad. The judges are not as enthused. Gail says it has a muddy taste. Leah made a potato and scallop thing. She sounds bored describing it, it looks boring and Padma says it looks very 80s. A diner claims the scallops are sandy. Eww. Fabio's dish gets rave reviews. Padma lifts one of her spherical olives with a fork and declares it beautiful. It really puts the new in neo-American. Melissa's grilled avocado with nectarines is quite forgettable. One smarmy diner claims he could have done better than that. Dude, I think I could have done better than that.

Appetizers are done, dinner is served! Jill presents her ostrich egg quiche. I looks really dry. She think originality should garner her some points, but I think that may be the only points she accumulates. The comments are "looks like dog food" and "tastes like glue" so yeah. Go originality? Eugene attempts a deconstructed open face meatloaf sandwich. It looks like literal shit. Donatella is more genteel, but voices that complaint openly. Stefan made halibut with pasta. Yawn. Jeff is slow at getting his honey mustard chicken with spoon bread out to the diners. Is it worth the wait? Yeah, his comment is "I have no complaints about this dish." Any other episode, this would be damning with faint praise, but I think it's enough to keep him safe. Alex's pork tenderloin looks really scary, with a bright red demi-glaze of red beet. The reviews are not good, but I was to terrified by the bloody dish.

Bring on the diabetic coma, it's time for dessert. Radhika made an avocado mousse with chocolate wontons. I'm not an avocado fan, but I think it looks so pretty with the chocolate brown against the pale green. One of the judges say it tastes like sweet guacamole. Daniel doesn't make twatwaffles to match his facial hair (I will never let that go!) Instead, pound cake with toasted pistachios and strawberry sauce is served to pleasant reviews.

Here comes the moment we have all been waiting for, ever since they first started the promos. Ariana sends her martini thing out. It looks like a lot of flavors going on, cherries on the bottom, as well as lemon curd and meringue. Padma takes a bite, gives a face. Yes! She spits the offendingly sweet nibble into her napkin. I think that'll send her home.

MFB Richard gets a better review, thank God. His sandwich of banana bread with peanut butter and bananas brulee was deemed an "after-school snack." I think the word they were looking for was afternoon delight. Carla's apple tart looks like heaven! But the little slice of cheddar on the side, next to the apple chips? Not so devine. I looked really cheap and oily, like it came in a Lunchable that sat out too long. But I am seriously craving some apple tarts, though. Good job!

The diner's remarks were really vicious, but in a rehearsed kind of way. When some prick in a sweater vest and buzz cut goes "As a possible candidate for Top Chef, it almost angers me to eat this food," I could almost see the script he prepared sitting on his table. I'm pretty articulate, and can come up with some witty remarks on the fly, but that's quite a compound sentence to pull out of thin air. And it angers you? Get a fuckin' life.

Even before judge's table, Tom clearly articulates that there were some serious mistakes. Ouch. The panel deliberates as the cheftestants clean up. Tom calls the menu clunky, regional and old-fashioned. He seems truly shocked at the vast gap between last week's good-to-brill selections and this week's hot mess.

Tom pulls the bottom and top chefs into the judges room, but not before letting the whole cast know that he was impressed with how quickly the chefs set up and sent out the dishes. But the dishes were far less impressive. He says he thought they set back American Cuisine about twenty years. Another "ouch."

Jamie, Hosea, Fabio, Carla, Arian and Jill file before the judges table. Carla gets praise for her tart, and gets told about the cheese. No sooner does Padma say Fabio's name and he's off running with a long winded defense of his dish. He rattles off the ages of the cheese and vinegar, the grade of meat and number of plates of this very salad he sells in his restaurant, ending with "You tell me why I am here!" Padma: "You're here because we liked your dish." Oh. Oops! Laughs all around. Gail is all about the grilled lemon, but Tom and Donatella rightfully zone in on the ingenious spherical olives. Jamie's corn also gets some great reviews, but Fabio is the clear winner. He is excited to be tied with his Future Boyfriend Stefan for elimination wins. They even seal the man crush with a little kiss. I know!

Hosea is mystified as to his appearance in the bottom three. I am too, it looks like a Top Chef dish with the mango and crab and vanilla and citrus. I looks like it should work, but Gail says the flavors were just off. I'm guessing using tinned crab led to that. Ariane knew her dessert was too sweet, but she thought she just tasted it too many times.

Oh Jill. Your defense made as much sense as the emails I get from my MySpace stalker. You rambled on about eggs and pressure and trailed off at random points. It was so uncomfortable to watch, I had to laugh. The reaction shots from the panel were priceless.

Ariane is convinced she is going home. I was too, until Jill had her "I have an egg" speech. That sealed her fate, and it looks like some knife packing is in her future. Both ladies weep, and Carla is forced to comfort the one who is staying. Ariane doesn't think she deserves to stay, but Carla claims the universe doesn't make mistakes. Carla, hun, you do realize According To Jim lasted 6 years? I think the universe is not infallible.

Next week: Foo Fighters' Thanksgiving. 'nough said.

Top Chef Recap: Apples To Big Apples

I've got another confession to make: I have not one culinary bone in my body. I can make chicken in a couple forms, biscuits, Chex Mix and a few pasta things, but I'm such a picky eater that I would never eat a single thing they make on Top Chef. That is not the point of Top Chef for me. I love watching people cook, just don't make me eat any of it!

Let's get recapping! Top Chef is back and it's in New York City, my second favorite fantasy future hometown. We open with a blah-blah-blah from Padma about the prizes and who cares? It's not like American Idol where the winner gets a god-awful song that Adult Contemporary stations will play. They get a spread in Food & Wine magazine, which must be nice for the readers of said periodical. We don't care about the prizes, we just want a culinary boner!

Introductions begin, and we meet this really hot blond egotist named Jeff. In his audition video he reveals he asks his server if his hair looks good. If it doesn't, he has a comb. Lord, I thought I was the only one! However, under that Chase-from-House face probably resides a Grade-A twatwaffle. Speaking of twatwaffles, don't you love Danny's facial hair? So closeted Jersey frat boy!

We also meet Lauren who is an Army wife fresh out of culinary school. She annoys me already, but we also meet her former schoolmate Patrick. They share an excited fruit/fly hug, and Patrick tells us he is on Top Chef at age 21, still in culinary school, to "share his passion with the world." Which I totally believe, if by "share his passion with" he means "be on TV in front of." He's cute though, in a mini-Jay Brannan kind of way.

Oh, but he's not the cutest! That would be my future boyfriend Richard... le sigh. Richard made me laugh right out loud when he told us his "inner queen" wants to know what Padma is wearing. He's friggin' adorkable, and that's not a culinary boner he's giving me. Oh! What? I don't think David Cook minds when I cheat on him with other reality contestants. He knows he's my little Cookie Monster.

Ahem! Where was I? Oh, what was Padma wearing? A fugly wine-colored vest over a white tank and jeans. Now that's Richard's inner queen's curiosity is sated, we can allow our eyes to glaze over while Ms. Lakshmi recites some speech about if you make it in New York... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Wait! What? Did she just say they were gonna kick somebody to the curb during the Quickfire Challenge? Wha? I guess this is Top Chef getting serious up in this muthafucking jawnpiece. Word! And this life altering Quickfire consisting of what difficult challenge? Peeling apples you say, Padma my lovely? Ok, it's not like anyone's gonna sweat blood over some Granny Smith action.

I spoke too soon! MFB (my future boyfriend, Richard) slices his thumb. How do ya like them bloody apples? But he finishes in the top eight, along with resident crazy (every reality show has one!) Carla, who does this hysterical walk/run from the peeling tables. Next, the bottom eight have to brunoise chop the apples. Boring.

Also boring? The dishes the bottom four chefs make. Radhika confessionals early that we shouldn't assume her Indian heritage would cause her to make spicy curries and things. So she makes a totally not-at-all Indian chutney. And it looked really undercooked for a chutney, but Tom and Padma liked it. Newly reunited gay besties Lauren and Patrick both make salads, cause everyone knows how impressive a salad is. I mean, maybe Patrick tosses a really good salad, but still put a little effort into a close elimination challenge. But Lauren really seals her fate by claiming everything's better with bacon. Which is so true, but it's such a public access TV cooking show line.

They end up in the bottom two, and they clench their little hands and look all nervous. Isn't that a sign of the end of the world, hag will battle against f*g? I don't know if his dish was better than hers really but this is Bravo. The gay stays in the picture. Lauren has to pack up her knives and go wait for her soldier boy to return.

The knife block appears, and the chefs pick knives with parts of New York City written on them. They will be cooking dishes inspired by Chinatown or Jamaica or what have you. But not until tomorrow, now it's time to check out the NYC digs!

Back at the apartments, Patrick, Richard and tatted-up Jamie form Team Rainbow. Bravo thinks this is clever, so t-shirts must be produced. But Team Rainbow is hot. Jamie is my kind of lesbian and I may have dropped a hint about how I feel about Richard. (To quote my gurl Shannan: I luh bby boi!)

But it's not all rainbows and hotties, into each episode some drama must fall. The "Euro Duo" Stefan and Fabio pick one of the most important issues facing the international community to discuss rationally with the only person with a thick accent than themselves, Danny. So we have an Italian, a Swede and a Jersey Tool fighting over whether a vinaigrette is an emulsion. You can't make this shit up! I love it.

Let's go shopping! Two contestants go into their assigned neighborhood to shop for ethnic ingredients. The highlights include Carla revealing the depth of her crazy by admitting all her dishes are inspired by her spirit guide. Also by asking the Russian shopkeeper which caviar was the "yummiest." Special culinary term, y'all. Patrick then shows us why he is not just a 21-year-old student. He knows Chinese cooking, he took a class on Asian food at the culinary institute. Which explains why he buys black rice noodles, but never made them before. Can't be too hard, right? We'll see.

So some cooking happens back at the kitchen, nothing too exciting and then the big reveal. The guest judge is Jean-George Vongerichten, which is a major deal? I don't know, unless Julia Child comes back from the dead for a guest judge appearance I doubt I'll recognize any of these major chefs they get to come in. Unless they are also on Food Network or are grade-A hotties like The Naked Chef or Rocco DiSpirito.

So the first head to head competition is between Stefan and Ariana. They are both cooking Middle Eastern, so there is yogurt and lamb and couscous. I love couscous, it's one interesting food item I do like. Stefan's beef and onion skewers with cinnamon is the winner. Ariana's grain was seriously undercooked, thanks to her having idea what the fuck to do with Middle Eastern ingredients.

Now, I see MFB Richard is nursing a serious crush on Tom. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think Tom is kinda cute, but a little old for me. Richard thinks he has great eyes, which what I'm into also. OMG, we have soooo much in common. He totally likes me! Wait, how did I get "Richard totally likes me" out of "Richard has a crush on Tom?" I have no idea. But the way he says "I think Tom's really cute" is so friggin adorable, you have no idea how hard I'm crushing on him right now. Gah!

Anyway, let's talk food again, shall we? Richard made a Greek lamb slider and Jamie made a deconstructed Greek salad. The lamb was overcooked, which put the win in Jamie's corner. Aww, Team Rainbow hugs all around!

Radhika and Jill had Jamaican cuisine. Both looked kinda icky. Jill's scallop was overcooked, Radhika fish was mushy. Jill ekes out a win here.

Fabio reads from his notes, since his English is not that good. Jeff made a coffee seared tenderloin with black beans and rice and some grilled corn cut from the cob, which was not fully plated. It won over Fabio's Carribean mushroom-covered avocado thingy.

For the Russian portion, Hosea and his unfortunate tiny beard made a smoked fish trio, that looked very pretty with the creme fraiche, caviar and apple chutney. Carla's smoked trout on potato latke. It was missing a nice sauce, so Hosea's dish was the clear winner.

Italian! I know a little bit about that kind of food. In fact, I'm eating some luscious Totino's Pizza Rolls right now! I'm sure they're quite authentically Italian. Leah made a red snapper with mushrooms over risotto. It's a very tiny portion! Not very Italian in my experience. But it wins over Melissa's rib eye with arugula salad and tomato sauce. Not enough salt in the sauce, according to Gale.

Here comes Danny's Chinese dish. Poached chicken salad with bok choy, shitakes and won tons, which is apparently a rip-off of a Wolfgang Puck dish. It's wet, too, according to the guest judge. He even wipes his finger across the plate for dramatic effect. Patrick's sad looking fish and bok choy thing looks like the glossy cover of an '80s cookbook entitled Modern Asian Cooking For The Microwave. It's so very bland, and his black rice noodles were gummy. But he took a course on Cuisines Of Asia! Danny barely won, which leads Patrick to admit to being nervous about being on the bottom again. Oh, Pat, perhaps you should talk to your boyfriend about that in private, not on national TV. (God, the gay jokes are just flowing tonight!)

Oh snap, in all my lusting after Richard I forgot I almost had a crush on Alex! He's my safety school, if MFB gets the boot early. I think it's his hair. Anyway, I will never get this recap done if I keep letting boys lead me down the garden path. Alex's Indian dish is lamb chops with ragout and basmati rice. It looks pretty traditional, but with a little spice. Eugene also used basmati rice and lamb, but Padma tells us it's a classic dish called curds and rice. He wins this round. Eugene is excited about his accidental dish.

Deliberations begin. Patrick is called amateurish. Ariana also gets a drumming. She's shaking in her Danskos. Top three is Leah, Stefan and Eugene. Padma reminds them that in every season but one, the winner of the first challenge also won the whole shebang. Stefen takes the win, and he thinks it would be great for a non-American to win Top Chef. Um, OK?

Ariana's under cooking gets rehashed. Patrick's lack of flavor styling is bashed, it needed scallions or something. When Tom wonders what Ariana would have done if a client asked for a Middle Eastern meal, she snaps back that she would have books to look at. Um lady, I may not have a hard on for Tom like Richard does but you still don't get snippy with the head judge. Both chefs are asked why they should stay, both grandstand about passion and all they have to give. Whatever.

Back in the holding room, Patrick is still talking about "sharing his passion" and I just wanna smack him upside the head. You came to win money or get famous, guppy! It's obvious...

So who goes? Newbie Patrick, or old pro Ariana? You'd think the gay card might get played again, but no. Team Rainbow loses it's first member on the first episode, and Patrick packs his knives and go. But not after a big bear hug from MFB (boy, he just gives it up, doesn't he?)

In the previews for the upcoming season we have a lot of swearing and OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! MARTHA STEWART!!! I DIE! See you next week for hot dogs and more New Yawkas, kids!

Are You Ready For Some Top Chef Action???

Top Chef is back in less than a half-hour! Sweet action! (Not too sweet, though. Maybe they used some vinegar for acidity?) More Papa Bear Collichio, more monotone explanations from Padma and more bitching from Gail is on it's way! The chefs are in New York this season, (which is where I will be in a week and a half, yay!) and apparently the city is at war. Sweet, delicious pastry war, yum. (Why can't a guy find a Youtube video of the Cobra Starship-soundtracked promos for the new season?)

The big news? I will be recapping the damn thing, yo. Yes, recapping is not just for American Idol anymore. So whip out your culinary boners, the recaps go live over the weekend (cause I work a twelve-hour shift on Thursdays, so I shan't have time to recap until Thursday evening/Friday morning at the earliest.)