A Few Thoughts On Prop 8, Opposite Marriage And Kathy Griffin's Mom

It's been a full day since the California Supreme Court uphelp Proposition 8 and I am learning a lot about the legal system. The court decision had more to do with legal processes than it did marriage, and I still think that marriage equality will come in short time to California.

BUT, that still doesn't make me any less mystified as to why Prop 8 passed in California to begin with. The proposition made marriage between same sex couples illegal, in case you hadn't heard. It doesn't makes sense to me, but maybe I'm missing something.

Maybe I am oblivious to the gathering storm that Carrie Prejean and her frenemies at NOM have been warning us about. A storm of what exactly? Houses being rented by a committed couple, kids being raised by committed couples, flowers being purchased by one half of a committed couple to give to the other half. I know, it sounds like hell. How dare a man try to woo and marry another man? That's crazy talk!

So, what is the basis for this fear? What kind of horrors will be visited upon your opposite marriage if Justin Timberlake finally gives in to my marriage proposals? I really want to know. My own mother (whom I love and respect, for the record) insists that all marriages should be called civil unions and that would take all the semantics out of the equation. But why all that be changed?

Marriage is already a legal state, one that has been has been constantly evolving as long as humans have been marrying. At one point it was between one man and as many women as he wanted. At other points it was only between a man with money and the daughter of a man who wanted that money. Marriages have been arranged between children for political gain. Marriages have been performed by jumping over brooms. The apostle Paul thought marriage should only be entered into as a last resort, like when you are so horny you can't control yourself. And more recently, marriage has been between a white man and a white woman, or a black man and a black woman.

Why is it such a stretch that an exclusive legal contract between two adults like marriage could be signed by two people regardless of gender? Why should the name suddenly change, without any good reason? A lot of questions, very few good answers. Why can't I visit my husband in the hospital, why can't I inherit his estate, why can't we link our names, our credit history and our hearts before God and these witnesses, just like an opposite married couple can?

What about love? This is the topic we like to dance around. When it comes down to it, when you say that I can't marry my boyfriend you are saying my love is somehow less important, less holy, less committed than the love you have for yours. That you have the right by virtue of your gender to enter a legal contract that I can't. That is what makes it discrimination. That is what makes it wrong.

I don't want this to be a one sided debate, I would love to hear a rational defense for excluding me from the marriage process. And, no, "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" does not count!

Ten Days Of Idol Insanity: Every Year, There Is A Hottie. Or Four...

Since the dawn of time, looks and sex appeal have impacted important decisions. Beauty and talent have become intertwined even more with the dawn of television. Obvious examples include that C&C Music Factory video where the heavier singer was replaced with a thin model and the marked difference between reactions of TV viewers and radio listeners in the Nixon/Kennedy debates.

In the world of American Idol, beauty is a double edged sword. While sex appeal alway sells, unless you have a lot of talent to go with it you get knock with Paula's kiss of death: a critique that starts with "First, let me say you look lovely tonight." It a little sexist, there have been two male winners (Reuben Studdard and Taylor Hicks) who are not even close to GQ model levels and a third who I think is ten kinds of sexy, but not conventionally boy-band gorgous (David Cook.) But all of the female winners have been stunners. Either thin and dynamic (Fantasia) pretty and perky (Jordin Sparks) thin, pretty and cool (Carrie Underwood) or with a great ass that lesbians and straight men love (Kelly Clarkson) - the looks are a variation on girl next door to the sexiest power. Plus, they all have killer pipes. Don't ask me to explain why it was OK for Simon to dis Mandisa for her weight, yet Reuben was praised as The Velvet Teddybear. In fact, pretty boys like Kris Allen and Anthony Federov got dissed more that the pretty girls do. I can't explain it. All I know is that it's not something that the industry will change, because it still works.

Now that I got that out of my system, I'm ready to start posting pictures of hot people. Being equal opportunity people here at Pictures And Conversations, we'll show you both the boys and the girls that get the blood pumping.

First, let's talk about my personal favorites each year I've watched the show. Only one per year, kids. Mama's not a slut...

I started watching American Idol during season three, the year Fantasia, Jennifer Hudson and LaToya London put the nation on notice that divas were doing it for themselves. The entire top four was female, after J.Hud's shock elimination that left Fantastia, Latoya, Diana DeGarmo and Jasmina Trias. So, were there any dudes on that year? Yeah, footballer Matt Rogers, gospel man George Huff and redheaded crooner John Stevens all brought the musky stuff. But it was John Peter Lewis that turned me into a pervy hobbit fancier. I mean, he hit all my hottie buttons - goofy, geeky, short and a crazy white-boy dancer. The only song I remember from him was "Little Less Conversation" but it was a doozy. He danced his way into me heart and became my first Idol crush.

The next year, I tried to keep a rein on my hormones. There were a lot of talented ladies to keep my eyes on, Nadia Turner was my favorite that season. But Carrie was really good and Vonzell just tore shit up. I wonder what happened to her? But even the constant eye-fucking from Constinine M. and ass-hatty mugging of Scott Savol could distract me from the beauty of Anthony Federov. Yeah, Bo Bice was a better singer, but Bo was a grubby southern rocker and AFed was my boy bander that showed up a couple years too late to jump on the O-Town train. At first I was turned off by the tracheotomy scar, which is shallow. I discovered that he was a thing of beauty, his glasses came off and he was Rachel Leigh Cook in She's All That, only with a dick. At least, I hope he had a dick. In my dreams, he did...


Then there was DAUGHTRY. His broad shoulders and meaty arms and sexy bald head and bad boy with a heart of gold attitude. He's almost generically pretty, like someone took every AfterElton poll and Abercrombie ad and dumped them into a computer and said: "make a sexy singer man who looks like THIS." The computer spit out Chris Daughtry, and I've been thanking it ever since. His voice and stage presence were undeniable, and his lips were soft and kissable.


Season six, the year Blake Lewis stole my heart and never gave it back. Chris Richards was cute, but I didn't need another Justin Timberlake, I needed a TimberBlake. Blake had that cool style I wanted to emulate and that smile that promised he knew what was doing to you, and he knew you liked it. Plus, he was awash in talent. He could sing, he possessed a really soft, tender voice. And he could beatbox, everybody knew that. And when he re-arrange that Bon Jovi song, it was like he gave us everything we wanted. It was way too much, we bit off more than we could swallow. But we wanted to swallow it, anyway. I wanted to swallow whatever Blake gave me. I bought his album, the first time I ever bought an Idol's entire album. (Kelly doesn't count, that was a gift.) I bought the MP3 of "You Give Love A Bad Name" - another first. I read some fucking fan fiction about him and Chris and their moist, delicious Cake and was so overwhelmed with emotion, I almost cried at end. It was weird, I probably should be discussing that with my therapist. But just look at that hair!


Last year, you guys were with me during my Idol journey of love, lust and David Cook. I called him my beloved Cookie, I drove 40 minutes to pick up tickets to see him live and weeks later I returned and stood in line for an hour with a million cougars before the show started. I didn't care, his warm voice embraced me, and his genuine smile lit up my loins. You know how rare a real smile is on a celebrity? They always look like the have some kind of smiling disease, like they had to be retrained to smile properly and some one didn't do it right. Not with David. His smiles are like an O-face, totally spontaneous and totally scary and totally hot. Most important is his love for his family, it is the hottest thing about him. When he cried after "Always Be My Baby" because his terminally ill brother was in the audience, I wanted to just wrap him in my arms and kiss his pain away.


This year was the hardest, I mean that in every way possible. For the first time, every top 10 guy had a HOT factor. Anoop had that cool nerd vibe, Micheal had that hardworking country boy thing, Lambert has the outsized personality (and fashion style and hair), Gokey is all sexy choir boy, Jorge had his accent and Matty G was Justin Timberlake again. But Kris Allen, the super-sexy boy next door with his understated charm and perfect bone structure, crept into my heart and made a nest there. I just want to kiss him on the nose, and stroke his cheek and generally be a silly girl around him so he'll wrap his arms around my tiny frame from behind and pick me up so my legs flail in the air. (It's a fantasy sequence, K?) He's what they call "man-pretty."

But there are a zillion hotties every season of Idol. So let's celebrate some of them, shall we?

The Original Idol - Kelly Clarkson

Season 5 Runner Up - Katherine McPhee

Season Six Winner - Jordin Sparks

Season Four Contestant - Anwar Robinson

Season Seven Second Runner Up - Syesha Mercado

Season Eight Winner (?) - Adam Lambert

Season Five Contestant - Ace Young

Season Three Contestant - Jasmine Trias

Idol Recap: When Smokey Sings...

Sorry the recap is late! Due to the show airing against my Bible study this week as well as work and personal obligations, I just now had a chance to watch the last episode.

In celebration of the 50th anniversary of legendary record label Motown, the Idols are performing the labels biggest hits. Who blew me away, and who just blew?

Mmm, Matt Girard. You just picked the song with a title I want to hear spoken by you every day. "Let's Get It On" is Marvin Gaye's sexiest number, and Matt didn't do a whole lot new with it. But it was a really solid, sexy and vocally enjoyable performance. Also, I just want to hear Matt say "let's get it on" over and over again. I'm repeating myself...

Following one sexy man with another is something I never object too. However, not even Kris Allen's hottie status (Square Hippies named him adorkable of the month!) will get to me enjoy "How Sweet It Is" - one of the most obnoxious love songs of all time. Also, because I hate it, I don't know how correct Kara was in saying he didn't do Marvin Gaye's version or James Taylor's version but did his own version. It didn't seem that interesting or fresh.

Scott MacIntyre continues his plans to take the Adult Contemporary throne away from Micheal Buble with a schlocky performance of "Can't Hurry Love." The honky-tonk piano needed a more soulful and gritty vocal to work, instead it sounded tinny and trite.

Meanwhile, in Crazytown, Megan Joy is tackling Stevie Wonder's "For Once In My Life." In rehearsals with Smokey, she sang it over the piano alone and it sounded kinda cool. Once they added the full band and background singers, it sounded clipped and her vocals needed that breathing room. Slowed down, she could have blown us away, but as is it was disturbing.

I just bought Marianne Faithfull's new CD (review coming this weekend, hopefully!) and she covers this Smokey classic. I think Anoop Desai did it better, he has such power in his ballads. But he's more fun in his uptempo songs. I wish he could marry the two qualities and create a powerhouse performance. This was sweet and tender but, like Simon said, a little boring.

I'm glad Micheal Sarver ain't to proud to beg, because he will have to beg to stay in the competition. One place he won't have to beg to stay? My bed... Ahem, moving on. He never took control of the song like he should have, and he was really shouty. Even before I heard he was voted off last night I knew was bottom three, at least.

Lil Rounds needs help in picking songs. Two weeks in a row her stunning vocals have been tied down to melodies that didn't allow her to soar. With "Heatwave" I could tell she had fun, and that dress was amazing. But she was a little shouty in spots (I wrote that before Kara said it!) and she needs a diva song to remind America why she's fabulous.

I loved the Link Larkin look Adam Lambert was sporting, but I hope he's not going to faux-class it up for America all the time. But even better than the suit, his reinterpretation of "Tracks Of My Tears" allowed the lyrics to shine. His falsetto and the minimal instrumentation kept the story of heartbreak front and center. I love that classic Motown sound, but he really took the song to a higher place.

Danny Gokey, why you gotta do the mentors like that? Remember my girl LaKisha, she ignored the advice of Lulu and Rod Stewart and... well she made it to the top four. Nevermind, carry on. After Smokey told him to sing the "alrights" and "outta sights" of "Get Ready" he let the BGVs do it for him. Between that, and the fact I just noticed he has a really great ass, I couldn't pay attention to the performance much. It sounded decent, but he needs to wow me again. Taking off his pants doesn't count, but I won't stop him!

Ohh, snap. We have a new female frontrunner! Alison pulled ahead of Lil to grab the ring when she stomped her high heels around that stage and tore "Papa Was A Rolling Stone" a new one. Her vocal power is astonishing, and sounds effortless. I am constantly amazed at the way this little sixteen-year-old fireball just brings energy and grit to the stage, every week. The boys may be cute this year, but girlfriend is white-hot.

OK, so Micheal went home. I could have guessed that. And while I'm a little bit sad to lose some eye candy, there is plenty more - plus loads of talent. I'll bet some of these guys have huge talents. (Can you tell I haven't gotten laid lately?) Join me next week, this time I should be on schedule.

David Cook LIVE! At Dickinson College

Last night, I saw the Man Of My Dream, the current Idol champ, the Word Nerd himself - David Cook. The blistering rock show took place at Dickinson College before a sold out crowd, with Ryan Star as opening act.

Ryan was a perfect opening act, his modern rock sound a perfect match for my beloved Cookie. I knew his closing song, "Back Of Your Car" (and it's sexy opening line "It's the perfect time of night to be taking off your clothes now") from his stint on CBS's Rock Star: Supernova so had high hopes that he would have the same energy level as he did then. My hopes were exceeded, every song bristled with rock star swagger and oozed sex appeal. From the opening rock anthem "Brand New Day" to the humorous "Psycho Suicidal Girl" with it's acoustic opening verse and chorus that opened into a cavalcade of electric guitars and drum to the emotion-drenched love song "Last Train Home" with a great drum beat, every song was rock n roll at it's finest. Speaking of finest, Ryan may even be as hot as David. Compare and contrast:

After the short set from Ryan Star and his band we were treated to a really hot roadie/tech in plaid with great hair and glasses and beard (and a bunch of normal looking ones) setting up for the David Cook show. Seriously, if that hot roadie/tech is reading... call me.

Then David and band enter the stage to "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. Don't ask why, it was just cool as fuck. Just like David... He opened the set with "Heroes" and started a recurring theme of sounding amazing live when he just sounded decent on CD. You may recall that I was annoyed at the mix on the CD, the vocals seemed buried in the instrumentation. But live, Cook's vocals were strong and clear.

The band was tight, providing two back up guitars, a bass, occasional keyboards and drums. David played guitar on most of the songs, which included a track from his unreleased Axiom Heart disc as well as "Life On The Moon," "Mr. Sensitive" and new single "Come Back to Me." The early stand out songs were the hidden track "Kiss On The Neck" which roared like a beast and current single "Light On" but there were no bad songs in the bunch. A heavy rock cover of Fleetwood Mac's "Little Lies" was the only nod to his American Idol past, I was hoping for "Always Be My Baby" but it would not have fit well with the very strong modern rock vibe that the show provided. Ending the set was another cover dedicated to the teachers in the audience - a cover of "Hot For Teacher" which was loud as hell but got the crowd moving. For an encore, the drummer return with a striking drum solo before the band launched into the heaviest song on the record, and new rock radio single, "Bar-Ba-Sol" and finally shut the show down with "A Daily AntheM" which had the crowd waving and singing the "oh, oh, oh, oh" from the end for a long time.

All in all, the show was tight, David's banter with the crowd and his band members was easy-going and endearing and the music rocked my socks off. Even if he wasn't fine as frog's hair I'd probably still have had a great time. And at only 15 bucks, it was totally worth it. David Cook with opening act Ryan Star is currently touring, check out the dates at his website.

PS: American Idol Recap coming this afternoon/evening!

Read This! - "Chasing Adonis: Gay Men and the Pursuit of Perfection" by Tim Bergling

Chasing Adonis is Tim Bergling's third non-fiction piece on gay men, released in 2007. I have not read his two prior titles, Reeling In The Years: Gay Men's Perspectives on Age and Ageism and Sissyphobia: Gay Men and Effeminate Behavior, but after finishing Chasing Adonis: Gay Men and the Pursuit of Perfection, I am quite interested in acquiring those volumes.

Utilizing information from an online poll, survey and interviews with gay men from all walks of life, Bergling uncovers the truth we all know but don't always like to admit. Men are visual creatures, and we all have ideas as to what visual perfection looks like. The author explores the different sources that influence our desires, from early exposure to hot men in ads. You know the ones I'm talking about. No? Perhaps I'll refresh your memories...

No that we've a little hottie break, let's get back to the book! Tim Bergling provides anecdotes from a variety of men who like men and what they like about men. About what happens when men watch porn or act in porn; and those both performing and observing at the strip club. About the men we fell in love with as kids and the men we fall in love with now. (Psst, they're the same men!) About the boys in the gym, and those who love them... and those that hate them. About body image issues, about the bears vs the twinks vs the muscle queens. A lot of raw data, with an astonishing lack of filter. Despite the fact that Tim's picture presents him as good looking guy with a fit body, he doesn't come off with an agenda of proving that better looking guys are better people. Or worse people, for that matter.

I have a bad habit of believing in a "douche/hotness" scale. I've always felt that the hotter the guy, the more of a douche he would be. Which is totally wrong, because I don't know any really hot guys well enough to make that determination. How can I tell if they are douchey if I never really get to know them? I work retail so I've met a lot of different guys, at least for a few minutes. And while I've had my share of douchey male customers with hot bodies, there have been just as many average guys and gals that have been total twatwaffles.

Chasing Adonis is a light read, no heavy psychobabble or dry statistics. Just a bunch of gay gays doing what they do best: talking about other guys. I recommend it.

Chasing Adonis: Gay Men and the Pursuit of Perfection is published by Harrington Park Press and is available now.

I Hear Sex And Candy; or My Favorite Sexytime Music

OK, so I don't know why I'm in such a sexy mood. A residual effect of the dirty texting I was doing last night with my current romantic interest? Or maybe it's that I'm wearing my new Very Sexy For Him cologne from Victoria's Secret. They knew what they are talking about with that name, I caught myself copping a feel on my own leg a couple of times already.

Whatever the cause, I'm in the mood for some sexy tunes. Full disclosure: the closest thing to a soundtrack to sex I've ever had was this one time I made out with a rebound guy while the film Labyrinth was on the telly. I never think to throw on some panty-dropping music before the panties start dropping. So maybe this is real boner killer music, I wouldn't know from experience. But I'm willing to find out. Your move, Captain...

"The Look Of Love" - Dusty Springfield
This pop classic was written by master songwriters Hal David and Burt Bacharach for the original version of Casino Royale, and nothing is smoother than Dusty's voice gliding over piano and gentle jazz percussion in the duo's masterpiece. It brings to mind James Bond-like seduction in a bachelor pad: champagne flute in hand, lights dimmed over low slung couches and clothes coming off. "It's a bit warm, you say? Let me take that jacket for you. Pants too, if your legs are hot... which they are." Listen Here.

"Justify My Love" - Madonna
The beat and synths work together to make your body sway and a natural bump and grind emerge from your otherwise white boy body. The lyrics put ridiculous thoughts in your head, as you start unbuttoning your shirt and pulling off your tie. It's an audio strip tease, even without the visuals of the NSFW video. I literally cannot stop myself from toying with any fasteners on my clothes by the second verse, my grandmother could be in the room and I'd be "wanting... waiting... for you... to justify my love." Listen:




"Let's Get It On" - Marvin Gaye
Yeah, it's an obvious choice. But nothing says sensual seduction like soul music, and "Let's Get It On" is a soul classic that will make those roving hands start moving in the right direction. Belts unbuckling sound great over Marvin's earnest plea and it'll give you some pointers for the soft sweet nothings you whisper. Listen:




"The Bad Touch" - Bloodhound Gang
I'm not one to find songs that just lay it out there to be sexy. I want a little mystery, a little subtlety. But by this point, subtlety is out the window, a no clothes no holds barred make out is in progress and this song pretty much matches that mood. "You and me baby ain't nothing but animals, so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel." Listen Here.

"Heaven (Candlelight Mix)" - DJ Sammy & Yanou feat Do
Remember that electronica version of Bryan Adams song "Heaven" from about five years ago? This is the candlelight mix, a piano ballad version that is perfect for the afterglow. Snuggle next to your man and stroke his chest hair as the pianos play you to sleep. Listen:





"Untouched" - The Veronicas
This is the song for that day about halfway between the last date and the next. You want to see him, touch him, kiss him. The sexy strings underscore a throbbing beat, creating a juxtaposition not unlike the one between desire and propriety. Desire wins, play this track during your dirty texting, or old school phone sex. Listen:




Need to cool down now? Me too... try playing this to kill your libido:

(Belated) Year End List: The Hot Men Of 2008

I know, 2009 is already a week old. So why am I still posting 2008 year end lists? Maybe because I started it back before Christmas and kinda forgot to finish it. Don't judge, you don't know! Regardless of timing, who doesn't a post full of hot dudes? Lesbians, that's who.

A wise man once said "There is a lot more to life than being really, really good-looking." But it's still a nice feature. For my choices for the Hot Men Of 2008, I needed more than looks. Smarts, great attitudes and wit all make me hornier than just kissable lips and rock hard abs. But when you have both... sigh... Oh, David stop! People are watching... Ahem! I need to stop daydreaming or I will never finish this post.

The Chris Daughtry Award (For Hottest American Idol Rocker): David Cook

It took a couple of weeks of American Idol before I saw the true hotness of the Cookie. But when he rocked out to "Hello" it was on, girls and gays! The beautiful eyes, the sexy gravelly voice and the cute facial hair got me started, the talent got me hooked and the huge heart made me fall madly in love. His relationship with his family, the fact he wore a rubber bracelet all season that was given to him by a reporter as a tribute to the reporters sick daughter and knowing that he is decent human who is down with the gays created a monster of sexy proportions, both inside and out.

The Dave Leiberman "If You Can't Stand The Hotness, Stay Out Of The Kitchen" Award (For Hottest TV Chef): MFB Richard from Top Chef
Yeah, Jeff might've been the conventionally sexy one, and Richard did have a habit of wearing "funny" t-shirts. But his boyish crush on head judge Tom Collichio and his full admission of having an "inner queen" in the first episode alone cemented his place as runner-up to David Cook in the Hottest Reality Bear Cubs Competition in my mind. And once he left the show, not even Martha Stewart could make it worth watching anymore.

The Anti-Perez Hilton Award (For Hottest Blogger): Junior
I know what you're thinking, is there really such a thing as a hot blogger? I know conventional stereotypes suggest days-old facial hair growth and bathrobes covering beer bellies and comic book tees are the costume of choice for blog writers and I would imagine there are still some who hold to that look. But there are some choice blogging hotties out there, from celeb bloggers like Kanye and model Bryan David Thomas (probably NSFW) to funny, witty cuties like D'Luv at Chart Rigger and Andy Towle at Towleroad. But only Juice With Junior's blog god makes great great fashion choices, is ridiculously funny and smart and has a rather sexy smile (see his video ender for the Juice With Junior Awards above.) Oh, and he comments on my blog... not that I was swayed at all by that. (Editor's note: Yes I was.) I dub him Hot Blogger 2008. Video via Juice With Junior.

The "Dear God, Don't Let Him End Up Looking Like Bruce Jenner In A Couple Years" Award (For Hottest Olympic Athlete): Matthew Mitcham
I bet you thought it was gonna be the Phelps. Yeah, he's got a great body but a consistently dumb look on his face. Matthew has a nice body, a brilliant smile and really great hair. It's all about the hair for me, sorry. Plus, as the first openly gay diver to win a gold medal, he's really a role model for young athletes. You don't have to hide any part of who you are to be a sexy, confident and athletically gifted man. Oh, and did I mention he was hot as ballz? Picture via Hunk Du Jour.

The Dreamy Vampire Of 2008 Award (For Hottest Actor In A Vampire Film Or TV Series, duh): Robert Pattison from Twilight
I'm sorry, but he is just fucking hot. The rest of these guys have a lot more going on than their faces, but once and a while you need just pretty. And damn, he is pretty. Picture via Twilight Poison.

Plus, the usual suspects:Justin Timberlake (from the "4 Minutes" video)
David Beckham (from the Armani underwear ads)

Freddie Rodriguez (from Ugly Betty. All the Betty screen caps of Freddie I could find were shite, so I picked this random bit of hotness. Don't know where it comes from, but who cares? A soaked white tee fine with me...)

The Men of Lost Like Lays potato chips, I can't have just one. From Daniel Dae Kim's anxious husband and father to be Jin (sixth from left) to Matthew Fox's daddy issues ridden doctor feel-damn-good (fifth from left) to the always sexually charged (and shirtless) southern boy Sawyer (played by Josh Holloway, third from left) to Naveen Andrews' former Iraqi soldier with the hair I would kill to run my fingers through (third from right) and more recent additions Henry Ian Cusick (far right) and Ken Leung (not pictured) I wouldn't mind being stranded on a haunted island with these boys.

Top Chef Recap: Apples To Big Apples

I've got another confession to make: I have not one culinary bone in my body. I can make chicken in a couple forms, biscuits, Chex Mix and a few pasta things, but I'm such a picky eater that I would never eat a single thing they make on Top Chef. That is not the point of Top Chef for me. I love watching people cook, just don't make me eat any of it!

Let's get recapping! Top Chef is back and it's in New York City, my second favorite fantasy future hometown. We open with a blah-blah-blah from Padma about the prizes and who cares? It's not like American Idol where the winner gets a god-awful song that Adult Contemporary stations will play. They get a spread in Food & Wine magazine, which must be nice for the readers of said periodical. We don't care about the prizes, we just want a culinary boner!

Introductions begin, and we meet this really hot blond egotist named Jeff. In his audition video he reveals he asks his server if his hair looks good. If it doesn't, he has a comb. Lord, I thought I was the only one! However, under that Chase-from-House face probably resides a Grade-A twatwaffle. Speaking of twatwaffles, don't you love Danny's facial hair? So closeted Jersey frat boy!

We also meet Lauren who is an Army wife fresh out of culinary school. She annoys me already, but we also meet her former schoolmate Patrick. They share an excited fruit/fly hug, and Patrick tells us he is on Top Chef at age 21, still in culinary school, to "share his passion with the world." Which I totally believe, if by "share his passion with" he means "be on TV in front of." He's cute though, in a mini-Jay Brannan kind of way.

Oh, but he's not the cutest! That would be my future boyfriend Richard... le sigh. Richard made me laugh right out loud when he told us his "inner queen" wants to know what Padma is wearing. He's friggin' adorkable, and that's not a culinary boner he's giving me. Oh! What? I don't think David Cook minds when I cheat on him with other reality contestants. He knows he's my little Cookie Monster.

Ahem! Where was I? Oh, what was Padma wearing? A fugly wine-colored vest over a white tank and jeans. Now that's Richard's inner queen's curiosity is sated, we can allow our eyes to glaze over while Ms. Lakshmi recites some speech about if you make it in New York... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Wait! What? Did she just say they were gonna kick somebody to the curb during the Quickfire Challenge? Wha? I guess this is Top Chef getting serious up in this muthafucking jawnpiece. Word! And this life altering Quickfire consisting of what difficult challenge? Peeling apples you say, Padma my lovely? Ok, it's not like anyone's gonna sweat blood over some Granny Smith action.

I spoke too soon! MFB (my future boyfriend, Richard) slices his thumb. How do ya like them bloody apples? But he finishes in the top eight, along with resident crazy (every reality show has one!) Carla, who does this hysterical walk/run from the peeling tables. Next, the bottom eight have to brunoise chop the apples. Boring.

Also boring? The dishes the bottom four chefs make. Radhika confessionals early that we shouldn't assume her Indian heritage would cause her to make spicy curries and things. So she makes a totally not-at-all Indian chutney. And it looked really undercooked for a chutney, but Tom and Padma liked it. Newly reunited gay besties Lauren and Patrick both make salads, cause everyone knows how impressive a salad is. I mean, maybe Patrick tosses a really good salad, but still put a little effort into a close elimination challenge. But Lauren really seals her fate by claiming everything's better with bacon. Which is so true, but it's such a public access TV cooking show line.

They end up in the bottom two, and they clench their little hands and look all nervous. Isn't that a sign of the end of the world, hag will battle against f*g? I don't know if his dish was better than hers really but this is Bravo. The gay stays in the picture. Lauren has to pack up her knives and go wait for her soldier boy to return.

The knife block appears, and the chefs pick knives with parts of New York City written on them. They will be cooking dishes inspired by Chinatown or Jamaica or what have you. But not until tomorrow, now it's time to check out the NYC digs!

Back at the apartments, Patrick, Richard and tatted-up Jamie form Team Rainbow. Bravo thinks this is clever, so t-shirts must be produced. But Team Rainbow is hot. Jamie is my kind of lesbian and I may have dropped a hint about how I feel about Richard. (To quote my gurl Shannan: I luh bby boi!)

But it's not all rainbows and hotties, into each episode some drama must fall. The "Euro Duo" Stefan and Fabio pick one of the most important issues facing the international community to discuss rationally with the only person with a thick accent than themselves, Danny. So we have an Italian, a Swede and a Jersey Tool fighting over whether a vinaigrette is an emulsion. You can't make this shit up! I love it.

Let's go shopping! Two contestants go into their assigned neighborhood to shop for ethnic ingredients. The highlights include Carla revealing the depth of her crazy by admitting all her dishes are inspired by her spirit guide. Also by asking the Russian shopkeeper which caviar was the "yummiest." Special culinary term, y'all. Patrick then shows us why he is not just a 21-year-old student. He knows Chinese cooking, he took a class on Asian food at the culinary institute. Which explains why he buys black rice noodles, but never made them before. Can't be too hard, right? We'll see.

So some cooking happens back at the kitchen, nothing too exciting and then the big reveal. The guest judge is Jean-George Vongerichten, which is a major deal? I don't know, unless Julia Child comes back from the dead for a guest judge appearance I doubt I'll recognize any of these major chefs they get to come in. Unless they are also on Food Network or are grade-A hotties like The Naked Chef or Rocco DiSpirito.

So the first head to head competition is between Stefan and Ariana. They are both cooking Middle Eastern, so there is yogurt and lamb and couscous. I love couscous, it's one interesting food item I do like. Stefan's beef and onion skewers with cinnamon is the winner. Ariana's grain was seriously undercooked, thanks to her having idea what the fuck to do with Middle Eastern ingredients.

Now, I see MFB Richard is nursing a serious crush on Tom. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think Tom is kinda cute, but a little old for me. Richard thinks he has great eyes, which what I'm into also. OMG, we have soooo much in common. He totally likes me! Wait, how did I get "Richard totally likes me" out of "Richard has a crush on Tom?" I have no idea. But the way he says "I think Tom's really cute" is so friggin adorable, you have no idea how hard I'm crushing on him right now. Gah!

Anyway, let's talk food again, shall we? Richard made a Greek lamb slider and Jamie made a deconstructed Greek salad. The lamb was overcooked, which put the win in Jamie's corner. Aww, Team Rainbow hugs all around!

Radhika and Jill had Jamaican cuisine. Both looked kinda icky. Jill's scallop was overcooked, Radhika fish was mushy. Jill ekes out a win here.

Fabio reads from his notes, since his English is not that good. Jeff made a coffee seared tenderloin with black beans and rice and some grilled corn cut from the cob, which was not fully plated. It won over Fabio's Carribean mushroom-covered avocado thingy.

For the Russian portion, Hosea and his unfortunate tiny beard made a smoked fish trio, that looked very pretty with the creme fraiche, caviar and apple chutney. Carla's smoked trout on potato latke. It was missing a nice sauce, so Hosea's dish was the clear winner.

Italian! I know a little bit about that kind of food. In fact, I'm eating some luscious Totino's Pizza Rolls right now! I'm sure they're quite authentically Italian. Leah made a red snapper with mushrooms over risotto. It's a very tiny portion! Not very Italian in my experience. But it wins over Melissa's rib eye with arugula salad and tomato sauce. Not enough salt in the sauce, according to Gale.

Here comes Danny's Chinese dish. Poached chicken salad with bok choy, shitakes and won tons, which is apparently a rip-off of a Wolfgang Puck dish. It's wet, too, according to the guest judge. He even wipes his finger across the plate for dramatic effect. Patrick's sad looking fish and bok choy thing looks like the glossy cover of an '80s cookbook entitled Modern Asian Cooking For The Microwave. It's so very bland, and his black rice noodles were gummy. But he took a course on Cuisines Of Asia! Danny barely won, which leads Patrick to admit to being nervous about being on the bottom again. Oh, Pat, perhaps you should talk to your boyfriend about that in private, not on national TV. (God, the gay jokes are just flowing tonight!)

Oh snap, in all my lusting after Richard I forgot I almost had a crush on Alex! He's my safety school, if MFB gets the boot early. I think it's his hair. Anyway, I will never get this recap done if I keep letting boys lead me down the garden path. Alex's Indian dish is lamb chops with ragout and basmati rice. It looks pretty traditional, but with a little spice. Eugene also used basmati rice and lamb, but Padma tells us it's a classic dish called curds and rice. He wins this round. Eugene is excited about his accidental dish.

Deliberations begin. Patrick is called amateurish. Ariana also gets a drumming. She's shaking in her Danskos. Top three is Leah, Stefan and Eugene. Padma reminds them that in every season but one, the winner of the first challenge also won the whole shebang. Stefen takes the win, and he thinks it would be great for a non-American to win Top Chef. Um, OK?

Ariana's under cooking gets rehashed. Patrick's lack of flavor styling is bashed, it needed scallions or something. When Tom wonders what Ariana would have done if a client asked for a Middle Eastern meal, she snaps back that she would have books to look at. Um lady, I may not have a hard on for Tom like Richard does but you still don't get snippy with the head judge. Both chefs are asked why they should stay, both grandstand about passion and all they have to give. Whatever.

Back in the holding room, Patrick is still talking about "sharing his passion" and I just wanna smack him upside the head. You came to win money or get famous, guppy! It's obvious...

So who goes? Newbie Patrick, or old pro Ariana? You'd think the gay card might get played again, but no. Team Rainbow loses it's first member on the first episode, and Patrick packs his knives and go. But not after a big bear hug from MFB (boy, he just gives it up, doesn't he?)

In the previews for the upcoming season we have a lot of swearing and OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! MARTHA STEWART!!! I DIE! See you next week for hot dogs and more New Yawkas, kids!

David Cook Should've Left The Light Off His New Video

I love David Cook more than any other American Idol winner since Kelly. He is hot as ballz, has an incredibly sexy voice and a brilliant rock-star swagger and persona. I am in love with his new single, "Light On" which was co-written by Soundgarden's Chris Cornell and has an anthemic feel and a sexual pulse that thrills me. I have literally been salivating for the release of the video, I knew my beloved Cookie would turn it out to turn me on!

Alas, while David's performance clips in the video are arousingly rock-star with all the gorgeousness and star power one would expect, the plot involving high school kids with crushes was beyond lame. This is an adult rock song, not some High School Musical cover. I would still drag DC into a deserted dressing room for a little bump n grind session, but the morons who green lit this concept video will get none of this jelly. Don't try to turn every cougar's favorite heart throb into a teen sensation. Give us edge, give us sexy darkness! This video fails every time David Cook's face is no longer on the screen. As it should...

Gossip Girl's Ads = Genius!

For the second time this year, the advertisements for The CW's series Gossip Girl are making headlines. No, not the show itself, it gets plenty of print for it's soapy goings-on, but the ads themselves. In April, tongues were wagging over the print ads that featured two characters in a heated make-out session with the letters "OMG" or "OMFG" (text slang for Oh My God and Oh My F***ing God) above them. Now, the provocative series is doing it again, taking unflattering reviews from the Parents Television Council and various magazines and using the quotes to highlight the scandalous nature of the program. From "Mind-blowingly inappropriate" to "Every parent's worst nightmare" the reviews were not meant to encourage viewing, but with just those lines highlighted, people with be watching. In fact the PTC says the campaign "reeks of desperation" but I think it's clever, edgy and sexy. Both the spring ads and the current advertisements are genius, as graphic and iconic as the movie posters for West Side Story or Breakfast At Tiffany's, only perhaps less classy. Deliciously naughty, or downright wrong? That's up to you... Read more at TV Guide's website.

I Think I [Heart] Mormon Boys!

OK, so I was just about ready for bed and checking a couple of blogs when I found out my favorite sexy Mormons were under attack! Apparently the Church Of Latter Day Saints does not approve of the hot and steamy "Men On A Mission" calendar series. It's not that risque, really just twelve buff Missionaries missing shirts. Nothing to get steamed about, it's good for the PR! I might even consider switching denominations for a guy like this:

David Cook In His Undies...

Freshly minted Idol winner, and newest addition to my tag cloud, David Cook is HOT! I love him to death. So I was pleased to see his "remake" of the famous scene from Risky Business with a white button down and underwear for a Guitar Hero commerical during last night's AI finale. Check out his sexy legs below:

I Want To Be Henry Tilney...

As many of my readers (all three of you) know, I'm a huge fan of Jane Austen's novels. I've read almost all of them. I've read Pride And Prejudice a million times, and I just gave an annotated edition to a co-worker as a graduation gift. She loved it, natch, because Pride And Prejudice is an amazing book. I don't even have time for people who haven't read it. I may need to re-read it again soon, although I should read Mansfield Park, the only Austen book I've missed. I've only read Northanger Abbey once, but it's there I found my Austen match: Mr. Tilney.

Most readers of Austen strive to either have (girls and gays) or be (everybody else) Mr. Darcy, and with good reason. No, not that he's played by Colin Firth in the brilliant BBC miniseries, but because he's a rich man who comes to the aid of a woman with very fine eyes. He loves Lizzie despite himself, deep down he is a romantic.

I often compare situations in my life to those of Austen's characters, especially those in Pride And Prejudice. I worry that I am being to much like Jane Bennett and being too cautious in hiding my emotions from my Mr. Bingley. Other times I fear I am being a Mr. Collins, completely oblivious to others desire to avoid my conversation. On the flip side, what if I allow myself to become Charlotte Lucas, accepting the hand of a Mr. Collins for the sake of avoiding loneliness? How horrid a life like that would be, attached to man who I have no feelings for. I hope I would never be swayed in my feelings for someone, just because my friend think he is beneath me, like Emma's Harriet Smith. But who knows? I think I have an Emma or two in my life, but I hope I never become that meddlesome.

But the second son of General Tilney, that is a man I would have no trouble either becoming or being with. He's a bit snarky, poking fun at his love interest Catherine Morland while remaining charming. Even with the gloomy secrets lurking in his past, he is jolly and pleasant. When his temperamental father forces young Catherine out of the house in the dead of night, his gentlemanly instincts cause him to break from his family (and the possible fortune he would inherit) and marry Miss Morland. So romantic! So dreamy! If I could inhabit the being of any Austen hero, I would want to be Henry Tilney.

Tastylicious: Becks Undressing!

File this under: please sir may we have another? David Beckham undresses as he walks the hallway of the Ellen show to his dressing room. Proof there is a God, or just further proof that Posh is luckiest girl in the world? Watch it over and over until you are sure. I did. ;)

Not enough Becks? Is there such a thing as enough? Check out the close up scan of his Armani Underwear campaign. There are no words.

Today At B&N...

I stopped at Barnes & Nobles this afternoon to check up on an application I had put in there a few weeks ago. The manager of the new B&N at the Harrisburg East Mall was the one I happened to ask, and she remembered my application! Which is very cool, she said they would probably start interveiws in June or so. Cross your fingers for me, I would love to work at a bookstore, that would be the ideal retail job for me!
But that's not the thing that's wriggling around in my mind. Also while I was there, I picked up a couple of books, one very interesting one that I may blog about later. I was standing in line, and a woman joins the line behind me. I just glanced over at her book, and it's a novel by Ted Dekker. My sister Abby loves that author, so I said so. She told me she thought it looked suspenseful, I told her the ones I'd read were. She told me she had finished her book and was out grabbing lunch, so she needed a new one. We spoke for a couple moments longer about Borders Rewards vs B&N's club thingy.
It was just a simple conversation, but I don't conversate with strangers that often. Well, I do sometimes. I do occasionally mention CDs I like, compliment cute shoes or hair, that sort of thing when I'm out and about. I don't do it all the time, but I like it when strangers compliment my hair, rings or coat, which they do, so I like to give a shout out to funky hairdos when I see them. But never to cute guys! I have no game with dudes, I can compliment a chick without thinking, but I see a hot guy and all I can do is think "Must not stare" and try to avoid them. I don't know how to change that, I really wish I could though. How many possible dates have I passed up by being so stupid? Well, not that many I'm sure, but if it's been even one I'm seriously bummed.