The Top Ten Nicki Minaj Lines Of 2011

I was gonna start on my list of top songs of 2011 when I realized something. I kinda hated 2011 in music. Amy Winehouse died, LMFAO killed 27% of brain cells in the world and J.Lo had a comeback.

But not all is lost! One of the music stories I've been dying over this year is the rise of Nicki Minaj. Her debut album, Pink Friday, may not have been as fi-ya as we were expecting but it did quietly hit number one on the Billboard Top 200 Albums chart and her ridiculous feature raps and outfits continued to entertain us until "Super Bass" blew me away as a summer jam supreme. Here are the top ten insane rhymes the lass once known as Onika Tanya Maraj gave us in 2011.

10.  "Till The World Ends" - Britney Spears feat Nicki Minaj & Ke$ha

"I ain't talking poultry when I say this chicken's fried"


Britney Spears had quite a year in 2011, Femme Fatale dropped three top ten hits, she turned 30 and ended the year with an engagement. Could Nicki's rap feature on a remix of second single "Till The World Ends" (which also featured the song's co-writer Ke$ha) have given the be-weaved one a boost?

9.  "Dance (A$$)" - Big Sean feat Nicki Minaj

"You fucking little whores fucking up my decors/couldn't get Micheal Kors if you were fucking Micheal Kors"

Again, Nicki pops up on a remix of an otherwise lame hiphop song, this time by Big Sean. But a Micheal Kors shout out always makes up for production flaws and boring sex-obsessed rhymes.

8.  "The Creep" - The Lonely Island feat Nicki Minaj & John Waters

"And when you sneak into a wake and you see a beefcake/Do the creep, HAH!/Do the creep, HAH!"

The Lonely Island grabbed double the queer-friendly power with John Waters bookending their stalker-themed comedy single and Nicki Minaj watching dudes undress from inside a locker. Get your arms T-Rexing, kids.

7.  "Y.U. Mad" - Birdman feat Nicki Minaj & Lil Wayne

"Hi, how are you? Yes it's nice to meet me."

Bragging is a staple of rap music, but nobody lays it out more simply than Nicki.

6. "Where Them Girls At" - David Guetta feat Flo Rida & Nicki Minaj

"Pebe, Pebe, who's Peabo Bryson?/Two years ago I renewed my license/Anyway, why'd I start my verse like that?/You can suck a dick, you can suck a ballsack/No! No! I don't endorse that/pause that/abort that"

After dissing Peabo Bryson, where else can our girl go? Dissing her own rhyme skills and teabagging, natch. Nothing like a rapper who can subtly poke fun at her own ability to spit nonsense and still get a hit. Wheezy, you next.

5. "Fly" - Nicki Minaj feat Rihanna

"I am not a word/I am not a line/I am not a girl who can ever be defined/I am not fly/I am levitation/I represent an entire generation"

In a more introspective moment for Nicki, she speaks the truth of thousands of girls who refused to be defined by the world and instead define themselves. The video reflects that - she appears as a ninja and Tinkerbell and S&M Barbie with Bride of Frankenstien hair, portraying many sides of the same "strong woman" coin.

4. "Roman In Moscow" - Nicki Minaj

"I ain't on my period but I got a new pad."

Nicki releases her sophomore disc Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded featuring her most outrageous alter ego Roman Zolanski. The "angry gay guy" doesn't pull any punches on the lead single, and indulges in this slightly less angry gay guy's favorite type of humor - menstruation puns. I'm sick, I know.

3. "Moment For Life" - Nicki Minaj feat Drake

"I call the shots, I am the umpire/I sprinkle holy water upon a vampire/In this very moment I'm king/at this very moment I slay Goliath with the sling"

Nicki takes the crown as king, compares herself to a vampire hunter like Van Helsing and a giant killer like David and yet loses none of her feminine spirit. This is why I look at Nicki as part of a new breed of feminist. They don't care if they have to be dude-like or girly, they are bad bitches who get shit done.

2. "Monster" - Kanye West feat Rick Ross, Jay Z, Nicki Minaj, Bon Iver

"You could be the king but watch the queen conquer"

The creepy video finally saw an official release this last summer, and the controversy surrounding use of female corpses in it led to a disclaimer at the beginning. But there are also dead male corpses, Nicki Minaj is very much alive in the clip and it seems like an intentional amping up of the misogeny already seen in hip hop videos. Just hearing Nicki's verse, which still gets me pumped a year after it's release, shows the exact opposite intent, on her part at least.

1. "Super Bass" - Nicki Minaj

"He could ball with the crew, he could solo/But I think I like him better when he dolo/And I think I like him better with the fitted cap on/He ain't even gotta try to put the mac on/He just gotta give me that look, when he give me that look/Then the panties comin' off, off, uh/Excuse me, you're a hell of a guy you know I really got a thing for American guys/I mean, sigh, sickenin' eyes I can tell that you're in touch with your feminine side"

Bubblegum rap is usually good for a bouncy beat or hooky chorus. And "Super Bass" has both, but it also has a pretty sweet rap (no pun intended.) The verses had teen scene queens Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez in a tizzy and little girls popping up on YouTube and the Ellen show with covers of the edited version. I also swoon for Jay Brannan's Long Island accent on "panties coming awf, awf" in his cover. This song was everywhere this summer, winning a VMA and a possible number one spot on my year end list.

The Wanted Are Totes Wankable, "Glad You Came" Is A Pretty Good Single, Too

The flip side to having Sirius installed in my car is all the hot music I can catch that the local stations ignore. The Wanted is a boyband out of the UK & Ireland and 20 On 20 and Hits One have been playing their single "Glad You Came" pretty regularly. It's a really pretty, yet bouncy pop track with a great accordion break a la "Stereo Love" which is right in my wheel house.

Well, while I was searching for yesterday's shitstorm of suck "Pick Up The Phone" I stumbled across the video for "Glad You Came" and almost had to excuse myself to the loo for a quick wank. (They make me all British sounding, in addition to raising my temp!) These lads are stunning, the one with the striped apron above looks like the love child of Puck from Glee and Robbie Williams (i.e. totes boffable.)

Oh, and the song is still pretty sweet.

This Is The Worst Song You Will Hear Today

I have been really enjoying the Sirius radio that came free with my new Kia Forte (not product placement!) especially the commercial free pop stations that allow me to catch some new songs that are rocking my world. But with a wider variety of songs to hear comes the possibility that some real shit will slip through.

I didn't know who Meddz was when I heard his awful, faux-Europop single "Pick Up The Phone" on the 20 On 20 pop station. Apparently he's some kind of dancehall/reggae artist, but this song is a shitty rip off of Taio Cruz or Jay Sean with lyrics that are literally about how hasn't bothered calling his chick in two weeks but can't figure out why she won't pick up the phone. So he pokes her on Facebook (people still do that?) and is gonna "Twitter" his love to the world.

The video is even worse. Like the two chicks that are talking about Meddz' terrible behavior are sitting in the most awkward positions ever, the framed picture that he caresses is clearly green screened in. Watch it here, or listen to the half of the song that YouTube allows me to embed. Hilariously embarrassing stuff.

Do You "L-U-V" The Leaked Madonna Song?

I love Madonna. One of my all time favorite songs is "Like A Prayer" and I even really enjoyed Hard Candy. So I've been sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for news about her 2012 LP, which meant I couldn't wait to get home from work last night to check out the leaked demo of "Give Me Your Love" that was blowing up my Twitter.

At first I was ready to turn it off. What the fresh hell is this? What is Madge doing ripping off Avril Lavigne Gwen Stefani Toni Basil? That cheerleader sound is not fresh, and with William Orbit and Martin Solveig reported to be involved with the album I was hoping for a modern sound that is also classic, like "Frozen" was.

But the more I listen, the less I hate it. Rumor has it MIA and Nicki Minaj are slated to rap on the finished mix and a more polished sound would elevate it, especially if they have MIA chant the "L-U-V Madonna/Y-O-U wanna?" Her voice would make it less silly, more insane. And it is frakking catchy as hell, I found myself repeating both the chorus and the cheer while housecleaning.

So I recant, Madonna can do no wrong. Except "Hanky Panky."

Check out "Give Me Your Love" from Perez Hilton's blog (one of the few places it hasn't been pulled from yet!) Ad plays before song...

Kelly Clarkson's Ex-Boyfriend Anger Gets "Stronger"

Kelly Clarkson sings my life. I have lost count of how many times I have said that, but it remains true and not the slightest bit glib.

From leaving a small town behind for bigger adventures in "Breakaway" to the tired, broken girl on "Irvine" to the mother-issues-addled child of a broken home on "Because Of You" to vitriol-spitting ex-girlfriend on pretty much every other single, Kelly has been telling the stories that I have lived and the emotions I have felt throughout her post-Idol career.

On her 5th album, Stronger, Kelly tackles her most famous role again - hurt and angry ex-girlfriend with sass and attitude to spare. Like My December with better hooks, Stronger focuses on rock-guitar laced breakup anthems while the occasional foray into ballads and even light R&B. Lead single "Mr. Know It All" would make the album seem like a Bruno Mars inspired R&B/pop affair, but Kelly quickly delves into dancable pop rock on the exemplary title track before veering into what she does best - angry kiss offs like "Honestly" and "You Love Me." A spooky music box intro leads into introspective lyrics where she holds out hope for love that accepts her on her own level on "Dark Side." Other songs showing a more nuanced look at the end of relationships than her breakthrough "Since U Been Gone" are "The War Is Over" and the gorgous ballad "Breaking Your Own Heart"

The album is not without flaws - "Einstein" is well below Kelly's intelligence level with the nonsensical chorus lyric "dumb plus dumb equals you" and the disc should have either jettisoned "Mr. Know It All" or found some more R&B sounds to make it seem less of an oddball track. Even her "flop" dark rock-orientated My December found room for funkier fare like "How I Feel" and "Yeah."

The deluxe edition includes her hit duet with Jason Aldean "Don't You Wanna Stay" and two more rocking breakup jams. But another duet, with former Idol judge and hitmaking songwriter Kara DioGuardi, is a very pretty and hopeful sounding end to a sometimes dark night of the soul.

(PS: can you tell My December is my favorite Kelly Clarkson album?)

Kelly Clarkson Aims For Gay Clubs With "What Doesn't Kill You"

I was out this past weekend for a birthday, and we went to local gay club Stallions (so discreet!) Now this isn't the type of gay club where they play Cazwell and obscure European dance pop, it's kinda lame with it's top 40 remixes on the dancefloor. But they played a really hot remix of Adele's latest single "Someone Like You" that reminded me of the heyday of club divas - big vocals over a slamming four-on-the-floor beat. I miss that CeCe Peniston/Martha Walsh sound!

Seems Kelly has been, too. She just put up the second official release of music off her upcoming 5th LP Stronger - the pseudo title track "What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)" It starts out kinda indie-guitarish then hits the chorus and (to quote PopJustice) "explodes into gay." I need this in the club, not another Rihanna remix. Kelly is the last of the female megastars of the 00s to explore dance music, so I think she's due.

Based On A True Story

I've been reading almost exclusively non-fiction these days, which is a complete turn around from my childhood. The one genre that held my attention in between Nancy Drew then and histories of gay porn and disco now is celebrity memoirs. As a kid I devoured the entire autobiography section of our rural library - which meant I'd read autobios of Reba, Dolly, Barbara Mandrell and Kathie Lee by the time I was 15. As a sheltered child I knew of these names but very little of what they did. I was entranced by their stories none the less.

Recently I finished Ricky Martin's exquisite memoir Me. As much as I was hoping for a juicy tell all with lots of details about exploits with other attractive Latin men, it was a surprisingly engaging and very spiritual life story. He didn't name names but he did discuss in depth his own inner turmoil surrounding his sexuality, his infamous interview with Barbara Walters (where he denied his homosexuality) and eventual decision to come out while writing the book.

But Me is about a lot more than that. It's about leaving his family to join the factory-like atmosphere of Menudo, his exhaustion after his US breakthrough and his calling to protect children around the world from sex traffickers. He talks about becoming a father. It's beautiful and a rather literary read. It could have used a few more pictures of the sexy star, but it's not really that kind of book. Unfortunately.

But turning to something a little more silly on the surface, I also read Confessions Of A Prairie Bitch by Alison Arngrim. The former child star of Little House On The Prairie is to this day known around the world as the hateful brat Nellie Oleson, even to the point of being beat up at a press event by child fans of the show during its heyday.

But Alison's story is much deeper than playing one of the most famous villains on family friendly TV. Her parents were in a marriage of convenience, a gay father who pushed his two kids into any publicity to further their career. Her brother molested her, starting at age 6. And she lost her gay best friend and TV husband to AIDS. These events led her into speaking up for AIDS organizations and going on Larry King Live to get tougher incest penalties enacted in California. Being a prairie bitch opened doors and gave a hurt young girl strength.

I would highly recommend both books to more than just fans of these very different celebrities.