5 Songs You Hear In Country Music Hell

Over the last 6 months or so my manager has decided that we should be listening to country music whenever he is working.  Depending on who you are, that sounds like musical heaven or absolute hell.

The thing is, I used to enjoy watching videos on CMT and listening to country radio upon occasion. While I don't have every George Strait song memorized, I have a variety of country CDs in my collection and in my iTunes. But listening to nonstop country a minimum of 2 days a week, all shift long, is not quite my cup of tea. I start to notice there are a few templates that repeat. Maybe the old joke about playing a country song backwards and getting your truck, dog and woman back could be replaced with these stereotypes instead.

1. The Song About How Great Small Town Living Is
 Example: "Where I Come From" - Montgomery Gentry; "Tattoos On This Town" - Jason Aldean; "Boondocks" - Little Big Town; "Homeboy" - Eric Church

No "hip hop hats" allowed

Every geographic location has its pros and cons. A big city like New York may have Central Park and the Museum Of Modern Art and Broadway but the traffic is awful and the crime is insane. But if you listen to country music radio, not only does small town living not have any cons but it's better than any other place on earth. After all, The Big City is where bad kids run away too, according to Eric Church, when they could be sitting on a tailgate of a truck drinking beer.

But Smalltown USA is where no one calls the cops during a parking lot beatdown (this is a plus according to Montgomery Gentry) and where you can play cards on Saturday night and go to church on Sunday morning (per Little Big Town, who love small town living so much their name and debut single were inspired by it!) You cannot do this in The Big City because of the roaches that sleep in your deck of cards, and also drug dealer sleeping in your churches.

And living in a close knit rural farming community means leaving a lasting mark. Like teaching kids, helping a neighbor in need or preserving historical buildings. Right, Jason Aldean? Wait, the tattoos on this town are graffiti on an overpass and skid marks from drag racing? Well, that's good too...

2. The Song About How Great Country Music Is
Example: "Songs About Me" - Trace Adkins; "Banjo" - Rascal Flatts; "Country Must Be Country Wide" - Brantley Gilbert

Country music is unique in it's storytelling abilities and it's focus on all American values like maternal pride, long term relationships and putting boots in people asses.

That's because these are songs about every single person on earth (at least the white ones) Trace Adkins believes. They are about "loving and living [so far so good] and good hearted women [um...] and family [Sister Sledge style family?] and God [Allah? The Black Madonna?]" Besides, who doesn't like a banjo solos? LIBERALS. That's who.

After all there is a country station pretty much everywhere you could go, so Brantley Gilbert must be ashamed of his assuming that people from Idaho aren't really country. It's not like they are from Hollywood. Like Keith Urban, the traitor.

3. The Song About The Dangers of Drinking, Followed By A Drinkin' Song
Examples: "Whiskey Lullaby" - Brad Paisley & Alison Krauss; "I Love This Bar" - Toby Keith; "Nothing To Die For" - Tim McGraw; "Dirt Road Anthem" - Jason Aldean

Drinking is bad!

I actually like the song "Whiskey Lullaby" thanks to a beautiful melody sung beautifully by Brad and Alison. But the emotional whiplash of going between that and a song like "I Love This Bar" or the anti-drunk-driving PSA of "Nothing To Die For" segueing into Jason Aldean's enjoyment of an "ice cold beer sitting in the console" of his vehicle.

I know different artists will have different opinions of drinking but the switcheroo for the listener is uncomfortable.

4. The Song Objectifying Women
Examples: "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" - Trace Adkins; "Country Girl (Shake It For Me)" - Luke Bryan; "Somethin' 'Bout A Truck" - Kip Moore

Pictured: Human with objects behind her.

Sexual objectification is hardly exclusive to country music. In fact, the genre is one of the few places where women over 40 can still be considered a hitmaker. And male artists are just as likely to be seen in tight pants and tees (or topless!) as the female ones are, creating an equality of sorts.

See?

Which is why it's so disappointing when songs like "Country Girl" get such heavy airplay. Luke asks this nameless female to shake it for everyone - the DJ, the rednecks, the young bucks, the catfish, the moon and himself. But is she ever asked if she wants to shake it for her own pleasure, for the pure joy of the dance? Of course not, she's a sex object not a person with opinions or desires. Silly homo, tricks are for chicks.

Meanwhile Trace Adkins is back, this time to pimp his country ride with a LMFAO-level crappy dance track complete with terrible lyrics and a cheesy beat. He performed this at the Grand Ole Opry. May Kitty Wells never see that footage.

5. The Song By A Frat Boy Peter Pan (who is capable of more)
Examples: "Red Solo Cup" and "As Good As I Once Was" by Toby Keith; "Living In Fast Forward", "Beer In Mexico" and "Out Last Night" by Kenny Chesney

Sometimes, the world needs a 50-year-old to sing about drinking from plastic cups. Wait, I meant the opposite of that. The world needs Toby Keith to leave that nonsense to talentless white "rappers" like Asher Roth, instead of a man capable of decent records like "You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like That" and "She Never Cried In Front Of Me." But since he also gave us the ode to twincestuous three ways and bar fights titled "As Good As I Once Was" I guess I am expect too much. Get your Frat Boy antics on, old man.

More gratuitous shirtlessness

Ditto for Kenny Chesney. His catalog includes sweet ballads like the tale of a couple who made it to 50 years "Don't Blink" and the totally not homoerotic football tribute "Boys Of Fall." Also included? Crap like "Out Last Night" (recorded in his early 40s) about - get this - going out. Last night, even. I KNOW! If the lazy title wasn't enough, his singing is lazy on the track and his Barney Stitson aping list of fake stories to help him get laid is even lazier.

The thing is, country music is a diverse field (except skin-color-wise) with room for everyone to come to the party (except big city folks, liberals or pacifists.) So there are bound to be some really annoying music to come out of it, just like in rock or hip-hop. I just wouldn't play a rock or hip-hop radio station in a shoe store with employees who would rather scoop their eardrums with a grapefruit spoon than listen to steel guitars and banjos all day long. That's all.

Soundtrack Of The Day: "Trespassing (Live @ NewNowNext Awards)" - Adam Lambert

Adam Lambert's new disc Trespassing is upon us in about a month, and lead single "Better Than I Know Myself" hasn't been exactly blowing up the charts or airwaves despite rehashing the winning formula of his hit "Whataya Want From Me" (Dr. Luke produced pop-rock ballad.)

Last night on the NewNowNext Awards his follow up single and title track made it's TV debut. Produced and cowritten by Pharrell, it doesn't sound like anything on the radio now, which should make it a shoo-in for a hit. But alas, pop radio is fickle and despite the glorious gospel background singers and relentless guitars it may be too far from the Black Eyed Peas template radio currently plays with. Catchy chorus and Adam's amazing vocal tricks make this a winner in  my book, just not necessarily in Cumulus Radio's.

Get More: Watch Reality TV, Video and Movies, Logo TV

Soundtrack Of The Day: "All The Rowboats" -Regina Spektor

The always lovely singer/songwriter Regina Spektor returns in May with a new album What We Saw From The Cheap Seats. Russian-born and NYC-based Spektor's last two albums have been among my favorites since I first saw the "Fidelity" video on VH1, and if "All The Rowboats" is a taste of the upcoming album it doesn't change my opinion one bit. The beautiful piano and the old-world influence in the lyrics is back, as are the unusual percussion choices (I swear the "drums" at the end are mixed with her vocals tics, which is classic Regina) and the intimate theatricality. But Regi looks so much more girl next door in the video, with a basic tee, blown out hair and smoky eyeshadow as opposed to the bright red lips and black and white dress of "Fidelity" or the LBD and Lone Ranger mask in "Laughing With."

But the artistic direction of the video, with the stop-motion ocean waves, is also classic Regina Spektor and I love her for following through with that. Watch:

New Video Roundup! Scissor Sisters, The Gossip & Rufus Wainwright

New music videos are popping up everywhere, so I think it's time for a quick video round up:

First off, Rufus Wainwright's new album Out Of The Game features production by Mark Ronson is scheduled for a May 1 release. Wainwright mentioned wanting to go for a  poppier, dancable sound but the title track is more alt-country. The song may require a few more listens to really be enjoyable but the video stars Helena Bonham Carter, so it's definitely watchable!




Meanwhile, The Gossip returns at the end of May with A Joyful Noise. Lead single "Perfect World" is glorious Duran Duran style pop, with a fierce chorus and drums. The video stars dancers in a medieval church with the stained glass windows turning like a kaleidoscope.



Scissor Sisters already dropped one single from their upcoming album Magic Hour, the Cazwell-style "Shady Love" The new single, "Only The Horses" is more sleek but equally dancable, thanks to production from Rihanna's cohort Calvin Harris and Alex Ridha. The sound is not a unique as their previous stuff, but it's good so I'll take it. Lyric video:

5 Film Roles Rihanna Should Have Had Before "Battleship"

Apparently this Battleship film is not some bad fever dream by Milton Bradley but a real live film with Rihanna making her film debut (unless you count her cameo in one of those straight to DVD Bring It On sequels.)

We will have to wait a little while to see if the Barbados born beauty is a decent actor, but with so many hits to her name I thought she would have joined the ranks of singer-turned-actors with a film based on one of her songs. Here's my pitch for 5 films that RiRi needs to star in:

Alfre Woodard

What's My Name? - Rihanna stars in this Hallmark Hall Of Fame Presentation as a young woman caring for her retired CEO grandmother, played by Alfre Woodard, who has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Trying to balance her commitment to her family and the demands of her boss (Downtown Julie Brown) Rihanna begins to fear the pressure will lead her down the same road.

Stand Under My Umbrella - Heiress and celebutante Missy Sunshine (Rihanna) is a party girl who has never had to learn anything about business, just pleasure. When her parent's plane crashes with the entire board of their Canada-based rain gear brand Sunshine Together she must team up with the gruff factory foreman (Mike Myers) to keep production running on schedule for a show at Fashion Week featuring a performance by Justin Beiber. But a girl still has time to mix business with pleasure when line worker Ryan Gosling catches her eye, eh? Eh? Eh?

Stand Under My Umbrella

We Found Love - From the producers of the Harold & Kumar films comes a spy comedy starring Pam Grier as veteran CIA agent Hope McGinty who doesn't have time to train upstart agent Tamera Fedora (Rihanna) as they try to track down rogue undercover agent-turned-assassin Jennifer Love Hewitt, playing herself. She's been killing off dictators for years, using her Hollywood persona and giant breasts to gain access to places no one else can. But she's going after directors now, and when she kidnaps Hope, can Tamera find Love before the world turns into a Hope-less place?

S.O.S.

S.O.S. - During pop star Sassasfras Jones' (Rihanna) South Asian tour her plane crashes with only herself, her back-up singer Miriam (Zoe Saldana) and manager/boyfriend (LL Cool J) surviving. To pass the time the three begin sexual games their relationships may not recover from and ancient grudges are dug up while they wait for rescue.

Run This Town - Rihanna, Jay-Z and Kanye West team up again, this time for a documentary-style drama about fictional female gangster Miranda "Hot Lips" Turlington (played by Rihanna) who ran Miami Beach with an iron fist during the 1920s. An impressive roster of Oscar and Grammy winning talent joined the cast, from Meryl Streep (playing historian and Hot Lips expert Simone Creston) to Will Smith (as Turlington's grandson, trying to reclaim her legacy as philanthropist and businesswoman besides criminal queenpin) and Lady Gaga as Hot Lips' lesbian lover, jazz legend Cassandra Calliope.