Wednesday, April 4, 2012

5 Film Roles Rihanna Should Have Had Before "Battleship"

Apparently this Battleship film is not some bad fever dream by Milton Bradley but a real live film with Rihanna making her film debut (unless you count her cameo in one of those straight to DVD Bring It On sequels.)

We will have to wait a little while to see if the Barbados born beauty is a decent actor, but with so many hits to her name I thought she would have joined the ranks of singer-turned-actors with a film based on one of her songs. Here's my pitch for 5 films that RiRi needs to star in:

Alfre Woodard
What's My Name? - Rihanna stars in this Hallmark Hall Of Fame Presentation as a young woman caring for her retired CEO grandmother, played by Alfre Woodard, who has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Trying to balance her commitment to her family and the demands of her boss (Downtown Julie Brown) Rihanna begins to fear the pressure will lead her down the same road.

Stand Under My Umbrella - Heiress and celebutante Missy Sunshine (Rihanna) is a party girl who has never had to learn anything about business, just pleasure. When her parent's plane crashes with the entire board of their Canada-based rain gear brand Sunshine Together she must team up with the gruff factory foreman (Mike Myers) to keep production running on schedule for a show at Fashion Week featuring a performance by Justin Beiber. But a girl still has time to mix business with pleasure when line worker Ryan Gosling catches her eye, eh? Eh? Eh?

Stand Under My Umbrella
We Found Love - From the producers of the Harold & Kumar films comes a spy comedy starring Pam Grier as veteran CIA agent Hope McGinty who doesn't have time to train upstart agent Tamera Fedora (Rihanna) as they try to track down rogue undercover agent-turned-assassin Jennifer Love Hewitt, playing herself. She's been killing off dictators for years, using her Hollywood persona and giant breasts to gain access to places no one else can. But she's going after directors now, and when she kidnaps Hope, can Tamera find Love before the world turns into a Hope-less place?

S.O.S.
S.O.S. - During pop star Sassasfras Jones' (Rihanna) South Asian tour her plane crashes with only herself, her back-up singer Miriam (Zoe Saldana) and manager/boyfriend (LL Cool J) surviving. To pass the time the three begin sexual games their relationships may not recover from and ancient grudges are dug up while they wait for rescue.

Run This Town - Rihanna, Jay-Z and Kanye West team up again, this time for a documentary-style drama about fictional female gangster Miranda "Hot Lips" Turlington (played by Rihanna) who ran Miami Beach with an iron fist during the 1920s. An impressive roster of Oscar and Grammy winning talent joined the cast, from Meryl Streep (playing historian and Hot Lips expert Simone Creston) to Will Smith (as Turlington's grandson, trying to reclaim her legacy as philanthropist and businesswoman besides criminal queenpin) and Lady Gaga as Hot Lips' lesbian lover, jazz legend Cassandra Calliope.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am literally already in line for "S.O.S." I've bought my popcorn and everything...

C. Paul Keller said...

You can't resist the siren call of Zoe, can you? ;)

Anonymous said...

And if at some point in time she says "I'll show you crazy!" during a fight with Rihanna, I can die.