5 Film Roles Rihanna Should Have Had Before "Battleship"

Apparently this Battleship film is not some bad fever dream by Milton Bradley but a real live film with Rihanna making her film debut (unless you count her cameo in one of those straight to DVD Bring It On sequels.)

We will have to wait a little while to see if the Barbados born beauty is a decent actor, but with so many hits to her name I thought she would have joined the ranks of singer-turned-actors with a film based on one of her songs. Here's my pitch for 5 films that RiRi needs to star in:

Alfre Woodard

What's My Name? - Rihanna stars in this Hallmark Hall Of Fame Presentation as a young woman caring for her retired CEO grandmother, played by Alfre Woodard, who has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Trying to balance her commitment to her family and the demands of her boss (Downtown Julie Brown) Rihanna begins to fear the pressure will lead her down the same road.

Stand Under My Umbrella - Heiress and celebutante Missy Sunshine (Rihanna) is a party girl who has never had to learn anything about business, just pleasure. When her parent's plane crashes with the entire board of their Canada-based rain gear brand Sunshine Together she must team up with the gruff factory foreman (Mike Myers) to keep production running on schedule for a show at Fashion Week featuring a performance by Justin Beiber. But a girl still has time to mix business with pleasure when line worker Ryan Gosling catches her eye, eh? Eh? Eh?

Stand Under My Umbrella

We Found Love - From the producers of the Harold & Kumar films comes a spy comedy starring Pam Grier as veteran CIA agent Hope McGinty who doesn't have time to train upstart agent Tamera Fedora (Rihanna) as they try to track down rogue undercover agent-turned-assassin Jennifer Love Hewitt, playing herself. She's been killing off dictators for years, using her Hollywood persona and giant breasts to gain access to places no one else can. But she's going after directors now, and when she kidnaps Hope, can Tamera find Love before the world turns into a Hope-less place?

S.O.S.

S.O.S. - During pop star Sassasfras Jones' (Rihanna) South Asian tour her plane crashes with only herself, her back-up singer Miriam (Zoe Saldana) and manager/boyfriend (LL Cool J) surviving. To pass the time the three begin sexual games their relationships may not recover from and ancient grudges are dug up while they wait for rescue.

Run This Town - Rihanna, Jay-Z and Kanye West team up again, this time for a documentary-style drama about fictional female gangster Miranda "Hot Lips" Turlington (played by Rihanna) who ran Miami Beach with an iron fist during the 1920s. An impressive roster of Oscar and Grammy winning talent joined the cast, from Meryl Streep (playing historian and Hot Lips expert Simone Creston) to Will Smith (as Turlington's grandson, trying to reclaim her legacy as philanthropist and businesswoman besides criminal queenpin) and Lady Gaga as Hot Lips' lesbian lover, jazz legend Cassandra Calliope.

Ten Days Of Idol Insanity: My Danny/Adam Fanfic!

For those of you unaware, Fanfic is a genre of amateur writings focusing on established characters from TV, film, comics and other areas of pop culture. While writing sequels and variations on someone else's work is a tale as old as fiction, in the 1960s a boom of Star Trek related fanfic ushered the modern wave of sci-fi/fantasy and with the birth of the internet it's become more and more widespread, no longer resigned to mimeographed fan zines. A special branch of fanfic is slash fiction, fiction stories that focus on homosexual relationships between male characters. It can be downright pornographic, and even frighteningly disturbing -especially the Harry Potter slash fiction. While some still hold to the "gay only" rule, some latched onto the straight slash category.

I experimented with Narnia and Pilgrim's Progress fanfic when I was a kid without even knowing there was a name for it. A few years ago I attempted a real person slash fic about a famous acting/writing duo from Boston, and the one gentleman's girlfriend from the block. It was kind funny and really dirty. I'm pretty sure it was also anatomically impossible. It will never see the light of day, if I even still have it around.

Well, for Ten Days Of Idol Insanity I thought I'd try a real person slash fic, only a "no lemon" one because this blog would never go NSFW on y'all's asses. Also, for the record: THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION AND IS NOT AT ALL BASED ON FACT. NO HARM WAS MEANT BY THIS WORK OF FICTION AND IT WILL BE REMOVED UPON REQUEST. Please to enjoy:

Whole Lotta Love: A Danny/Adam SlashFic

Adam stepped gingerly out of the shower. With a deft motion, he grabbed a towel and tightly wrapped it around his lean waist. As he ran a comb through his hair, he inspected his face. Without the ever-present eye makeup and styled hair, he still had an otherworldly quality. His dark eyes were even more piercing without the liner.

As he walked the hallway back to his room, hoping Kris wasn't sleeping yet so they could chat about the day's performances, he heard a familiar sound coming from Danny's bedroom. He hadn't heard the sniffling and squelched noises of someone trying to hold back sobs in some time. Over the first few week it was a daily occurrence, but Adam assumed it had stopped for the time being.

Adam paused before he passed the door that hid the sobs. The first few times he heard Danny, he shrugged it off as more attention-grabbing theatrics from the grieving widower. Over the weeks Danny had become more human to him, even likable. He knew that behind the smug looks and self-satisfied clapping after each performance was a very lonely young man.

While he thought he understood Danny's emotional state, Adam was still reluctant to get involved. Would he understand that any attempt to be friendly was just a platonic move? Danny seemed uneasy around him ever since the first time he mentioned an ex-boyfriend, and what more could he expect from a church music director? Ever since then, Adam had avoided being alone with Danny, out of respect for his uneasiness as well as more self-preserving motives.

But Adam also understood the widower's heartache. He'd been through the wringer, love had done a number on his heart, too. And he wondered if Danny had felt a resurgence of painful emotions thanks to the tanking of his Aerosmith performance earlier that evening. "Poor Danny, I don't think he's ever sounded that bad," Allison had whispered to Adam during after their duet.

So he took a breath, repeated a brief mantra and knocked on the door. He could hear a soft "Come in" and Danny shifting on the sheets.

Adam pushed the door open. The room was dark but the light from the hall was enough to reveal red-rimmed eyes, no longer covered by dark-framed glasses. Adam hesitated. Why did I have to be a hero? I don't know what to say to him, he thought with a gulp. Too late, just say something.

"Are you OK?"

The words dropped into the air, sounding at once insincere and weak.

"I'm fine, just go put on some clothes."

"Oh, sorry. I was walking back from the shower and heard you... well... I heard something."

"I was crying. OK? Got a problem with men showing emotion?" Danny spat.

"Whoa, I didn't mean to offend. I just though you might need to talk about it. I understand more than you might think," Adam said. He attempted to hide the annoyance in his voice, Danny was hurting and embarrassed. Cut him some slack, Lambert.

"Yeah, maybe you would."

Danny motioned to empty bed across from where he was sitting. Adam tried to keep himself covered as he walked over to the spot. Damn, I wish I had put on some clothes before I dropped in on Joe Homophobe here.

"Danny, what's wrong? I mean, I could guess. But it always helps to say it out loud."

"Yeah, I'm sure you could guess. I tried to be everything you are tonight. I tried to be powerful and exciting and just tackle that song with gusto. I wanted that audience frenzy you get."

"But you do have the audience behind you..."

"Yeah, but you! Kara called you a rock god. I wanted, just for one moment to beat you at your own game. I guess maybe I can't," he sputtered as he flopped back onto the bed.

"Danny. Danny," Adam leaned forward and tapped the other man's knee, "sit up. Look at me. You may not be me, but I could never be you. You do have a gift. Every singer has their own special music, just embrace that."

"Yeah, I know. I just wish I still had..." he trailed off as tears welled up again.

"You miss her don't you?"

"Her? Yeah, I miss Sophia. I couldn't have become the man I am today without her. I loved her."

Adam looked at Danny. He was puzzled. He sounded like he was describing a teacher, or a favorite aunt. The tone in his voice didn't match the intense emotion that poured from his eyes.

"And I'm sure you wish your friend Jamar was here, he could do a better job comforting you right now," Adam said quietly.

"I miss him. I do. God, I had know idea how hard it would be. How do you survive without the man you... your best friend."

"Danny. Don't play games with me. You're in love with him, aren't you?"

"You're sick! Get out of my room. I'm not gay, I'm not like you! Leave!" Danny stood up and grabbed Adam by the arm.

"Don't grab me, I'll go. Just do one thing for me. Think back to the moments you've shared with Jamar, think back to the moments just now. You weren't crying about your song, or your wife or the stress of being here. You are crying because you can't imagine staying here any longer, without the man you have come to love. It's OK. I know exactly the kind of tears you are shedding." Adam gulp as Danny paused for a moment. "Just remember. Whether you go home tomorrow night as a top three member or get eliminated, you still get to go home. Go to him. Tell him what you are feeling. Don't be surprised, he may feel the same way."

A million emotions flashed on Danny's face. Anger, relief, sadness, fear and just briefly, genuine joy before a hard look came over his eyes.

"Get out."

Almost a week later, the three men returned from their fast paced trips home. Adam attempted to avoid Danny, but unpacking in the corner of his room he couldn't avoid the Milwaukee returnee.

"So, did you enjoy going home?" Adam said a smoothly as possible.

"Don't act like you didn't see it. It's all over the internet, the videos of me losing the words to 'Billie Jean'. It's all your fault, too."

"What, how?"

"You put the idea in my head. You, with your words. You distracted me from the goal, from the show. You made me think it was possible, to be happy. And I couldn't wait to see him." Once more, the tears poured out of his eyes. "It wasn't. He looked at me like I was sick. He said he loved me, but not like that. And he'll pray for me to get over it, my 'pain and loss that warped my mind.' Yeah, that's what he called it."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know it would go so badly. I shouldn't have pushed you."

"It's OK. I feel free. I told the truth, and the truth will set you free. That's in the Bible."

"I know. I just wish truth didn't hurt so much on the way on the way to freedom. But you are so strong, Danny. You'll make it." He took Danny's hand in a firm squeeze.

"Thanks. I just wish I could see Sophia one more time, tell her I found love again. Tell her I'm gonna be OK."

Adam looked Danny right in the eye.

"You will be OK."

"I know."

Danny looked right back and pushed his lips against Adam's. Adam was taken aback but, after freezing for a split second, he kissed him back.

Fin

So kids, what'd ya think? Is the most awful piece of Idol-related trash since Taylor Hick's first single? Or did it make you cry? Or maybe laugh uproariously? Tell me all about it in the comments...

A Christmas Gift For All My Readers: "The Pick Up Line"

It's just a little something I whipped up for my friends and family, and now you get to enjoy it too! Please enjoy this frothy bit of fiction, The Pick Up Line.

“Cindy, you’re gonna laugh at me, but for once I want some cute guy to use some cheesy pickup line on me. Something like ‘Do fries come with that shake?’ so I can respond in kind.” I said with a sigh.
“What would you say?” Cindy had a permanent smirk on her face, but as her best friend I could tell when she was really amused and when she just smiled to cover her intense boredom from the rest of the world. Like now, she knew I was about to something at least mildly amusing from my place in her bean bag chair.
“I dunno, maybe ‘For you, honey, the whole happy meal?’”
“That’s great! That is classic. It returns the interest in the same form it was given. Now you just need someone to use that line.” She rolled over on her bed so her eyes met mine. “Too bad only cheesy guys use cheesy lines.”
“What’s wrong with cheesy guys? At least they have the gumption to say something when they are interested Not like the emo boys who write poetry clearly aimed at someone in class, but never actually talk to the girl in question. Or like the jocks who think a simple ‘Sup?’ and a flex of their biceps will get them out of any pre-sex conversations.”
“Don’t knock it, it seems to work.”
“Not on me. I want someone to make me laugh, someone to have conversations with. Not someone who wants me to polish his muscles for him.”
A loud guffaw came from the bed. Cindy‘s laughs are always loud. It fits her, she is larger than life. Not just in size, but in attitude and charisma. Every girl wanted to be her friend, even the Barbie-clones on the cheer squad. She knew it all, and like a teen Ann Landers she doled out advice to every heartbroken freshman and rash-prone senior.
“To which muscle are you referring? Never mind, I’ll get my mind out of the gutter. You are never going to get a date to the winter formal with that kind of prejudiced attitude. Haven’t you learned anything from Elizabeth Bennett’s mistakes? Your Mr. Darcy could be on the wrestling team and you’re pining after an imaginary dude with a porn-stache and leisure suit.”
“He doesn’t have to dress cheesy! He can have good taste in clothes, and amusing taste in pick-up lines.”
“I don’t know about that.”
A stuffed rabbit sailed from my corner to her bed. Cindy jumped up to grab a pillow before gasping.
“We’re gonna be late if we don’t go now!”
I grabbed my blue polyester smock with a gold -colored plastic nametag announcing to the world that I’m Here To Serve and we both took the steps two at a time and dashed out the door to Cindy’s van.
Luck, and traffic, were on our side. We got to the store with eight minutes to spare, which gave me time to check my hair in the cracked mirror in the break room.
“Hey, cheesy child, why worry about your hair? You know you’ll have a Santa hat on your head faster than Barbra can sing ‘Jingle Bells’”
“True that, sister, true that.”
I popped the red and white chapeau on my unnaturally red hair and gave my widest grin. “What guy can resist a Santa hat and cheese ball grin.”
“All of them.”
I swatted her, and missed.
Cindy and I keep busy between holiday shoppers, organizing shoe care kits in lines and decorating a Stocking Stuffers! sign with bows.
“What would you do if your mom put a can of shoe polish in your stocking?” I questioned Cindy.
“Move!” she replied with a laugh. “I mean socks are one thing, but shoe horns? No thanks.”
“But it’s a red shoe horn! So festive.” I raised one to each ear, mimicking earrings. Cindy chuckled nervously and her real smirk was replaced with her fake one. I turned around.
“Festive, indeed. To bad they’re not red and green, they’d be even more Christmasy,” spoke the man of my dreams. His dark hair fell in waves of controlled chaos and the stubble on his cheeks framed his perfectly kissable lips. He was wearing an chocolate, red and cream argyle sweater over dark wash jeans, a crisp white shirt collar peeking out around his neck. His shoes were the same brown as his shirt, and his eyes.
It may sound silly to you, but that is important to me. Even before I started working at Shoe Choice I knew that not matching your shoes to your outfit shows disregard for important details. Not just details in fashion, but in life.
“Too bad,” I said quietly.
“Do you have dress shoes with leather soles? I need them for a dance.”
“Yes, but we only have Bostonians. They’re back this way…”
“I can show you,” Cindy piped up.
I glared at the back of her retreating head as my newest crush and my best friend walked away. That lasted about two seconds as an elderly lady approached with a million questions like “Why are all your slippers made in China?” and “Will these fit my grandson? He’s twelve.” I answered them with a smile, like I always do. I’m very good at my job, but the cute guy in argyle played on the edges of my thoughts.
I was still ringing her up and fielding questions from her equally verbose daughter when Cindy and Mr. Argyle Sweater returned. Argyle gave a winning smile as he waited.
“I’m so sorry to hold you up, young man,” the lady said as she tried to grasp her bag and pull it off the counter.
“No, it’s fine! You and your sister have a lovely Christmas.”
The daughter gave a startled look. “She’s not my sister.”
The mother jabbed her “sister” with her elbow and said “I think he was trying to pay me a compliment. Or make a joke.”
“Well I find it cheesy,” she replied.
“Nothing wrong with cheese,” Argyle said with a wink at me. I just stared back with an incredulous smile.
The older woman laughed as they walked out the door.
“That was pretty cheesy,” I said as I scanned his shoe box. “Not that I’m complaining.”
“Good. I like cheese. Sometimes it’s the easiest way to communicate.”
“Would you like a bag?” I said.
“Why don’t you grab one of the Christmas ones for him, they’re at the other register,” Cindy said.
“I’d appreciate it,” Argyle said.
I was so annoyed. Cindy should know I was angling for more face time, why did she keep pushing me away from him? He wasn’t even remotely her type, plus she was already seeing someone.
I decided to give my best catwalk, just to give him something to remember.
“Hey baby, do fries come with that shake?”
I turned. Did he really just say that? The grin on his perfect mouth contrasted with the knowing smirk on Cindy’s. I should have known. She planned this. I batted my eyes.
“For you, stud? The whole happy meal.”

Read This? "The Little Girl Who Was Too Fond Of Matches" by Gaetan Soucy

This is quite possibly the strangest novel I've ever read. "The Little Girl Who Was Too Fond Of Matches" was written in the first person perspective of one of two siblings who wake up one morning to discover they're father has dies, leaving them orphaned and alone. They have no first hand knowledge of the world outside of the sprawling property they live on, but by reading "dictionaries" the unnamed narrator has created a dense language made of strange, often old-fashioned phrases and words that evoke the meanings, even if they aren't correct. The descriptions take some concentration to unravel. The plot follows a trip into the nearby town to find a "pine suit" to bury the father in, despite never having visited it. Some discoveries are made that change the narrator's world, before returning home to find brother has gone slowly insane. Many secrets are revealed as the pages fly by, so I don't want to delve into the plot too much more than that.
But the writing is so very odd. I don't know if it is brilliant or just showy, but I almost couldn't get past the first couple pages. Then I was so sucked into it, I couldn't stop. The heartbreaking conclusion makes it worth the difficulties you may encounter in the wild narrative style. I wouldn't recommend it to the casual reader, but Gaeten Soucy might be up your alley if you want something different.