5 Film Roles Rihanna Should Have Had Before "Battleship"

Apparently this Battleship film is not some bad fever dream by Milton Bradley but a real live film with Rihanna making her film debut (unless you count her cameo in one of those straight to DVD Bring It On sequels.)

We will have to wait a little while to see if the Barbados born beauty is a decent actor, but with so many hits to her name I thought she would have joined the ranks of singer-turned-actors with a film based on one of her songs. Here's my pitch for 5 films that RiRi needs to star in:

Alfre Woodard

What's My Name? - Rihanna stars in this Hallmark Hall Of Fame Presentation as a young woman caring for her retired CEO grandmother, played by Alfre Woodard, who has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Trying to balance her commitment to her family and the demands of her boss (Downtown Julie Brown) Rihanna begins to fear the pressure will lead her down the same road.

Stand Under My Umbrella - Heiress and celebutante Missy Sunshine (Rihanna) is a party girl who has never had to learn anything about business, just pleasure. When her parent's plane crashes with the entire board of their Canada-based rain gear brand Sunshine Together she must team up with the gruff factory foreman (Mike Myers) to keep production running on schedule for a show at Fashion Week featuring a performance by Justin Beiber. But a girl still has time to mix business with pleasure when line worker Ryan Gosling catches her eye, eh? Eh? Eh?

Stand Under My Umbrella

We Found Love - From the producers of the Harold & Kumar films comes a spy comedy starring Pam Grier as veteran CIA agent Hope McGinty who doesn't have time to train upstart agent Tamera Fedora (Rihanna) as they try to track down rogue undercover agent-turned-assassin Jennifer Love Hewitt, playing herself. She's been killing off dictators for years, using her Hollywood persona and giant breasts to gain access to places no one else can. But she's going after directors now, and when she kidnaps Hope, can Tamera find Love before the world turns into a Hope-less place?

S.O.S.

S.O.S. - During pop star Sassasfras Jones' (Rihanna) South Asian tour her plane crashes with only herself, her back-up singer Miriam (Zoe Saldana) and manager/boyfriend (LL Cool J) surviving. To pass the time the three begin sexual games their relationships may not recover from and ancient grudges are dug up while they wait for rescue.

Run This Town - Rihanna, Jay-Z and Kanye West team up again, this time for a documentary-style drama about fictional female gangster Miranda "Hot Lips" Turlington (played by Rihanna) who ran Miami Beach with an iron fist during the 1920s. An impressive roster of Oscar and Grammy winning talent joined the cast, from Meryl Streep (playing historian and Hot Lips expert Simone Creston) to Will Smith (as Turlington's grandson, trying to reclaim her legacy as philanthropist and businesswoman besides criminal queenpin) and Lady Gaga as Hot Lips' lesbian lover, jazz legend Cassandra Calliope.

Line Fillers: Drake on "What's My Name?"

Did you ever get the feeling a rapper is just filling a couple bars with idiotic nonsense for C.R.E.A.M.? What, they all do it? Well, let's explore:



"I heard you good with them soft lips"
Aww, thanks. I pride myself on my ability to... kiss. Wink, nudge.

"Yeah, you know word of mouth"
Word of mouth? Ah! It's a pun. You're so funny. Or should I say punny.

"The square root of 69 is 8 something"
You're a math whiz, it's actually 8.30662386. I had to Google that. I'm not sure what point you're trying to make?

"Cuz I've been tryina work it out, Aaaah"
Really? Couldn't finish that line, so you went with throat exam sound effects? Unless maybe you bruise your esophagus 69ing. Yeah, I got your dirty joke, Drakey poo.

"Good weed, white wine"
You know what? I thought you said Good Weave. I thought it was tip on a hair salon.

"I come alive in the night time, okay, away we go"
Where we going? Where we going?

"Only thing we have on is the radio"
Way to steal a double entendre from country star Gary Allan. Jeez, Drake.

"ooooh, let it play, say you gotta leave
but I know you wanna stay"
Yes, cuz this pick up line contest is just getting me all hot and bothered.

"You just waiting on the traffic jam to finish, girl"
Wait, I thought it was nighttime? Is there a Penn State game?

"The things we could do in twenty minutes, girl"
Really? Twenty minutes? Some kind of stud you are. And did you just rhyme "girl" with "girl?" I am disappoint.

"Say my name, say my name"
When no one is around you, say "baby I love you"... wait, this isn't Finish The Lyric? My bad.

"Wear it out, its getting hot, crack a window, air it out"
Aww, what did I tell you about queefing in bed? You're gross, Drake.

"I can get you through a mighty long day"
Why, you got a mighty long... cup of coffee?

"Soon as you go the text that I write is gonna say..."
Say what? SAY WHAT? Finish your thoughts before you drift off in post-coital slumber.

PS: Does anyone else wonder why Rihanna keeps asking her Nana what her name is? Can't she just look on her album cover? Does she have memory loss as a result of dating Chris Brown? Someone help her!

Rihanna Plays Professor Slash, Teaches "Rock Star 101"

Rihanna keeps trying to turn out hits from her Rated R disc. After the bright colors and clubby sound of "Rude Boy" took off, the Barbados native returned to the darker looks of her "Russian Roulette" and "Hard" videos for "Rockstar 101."

She goes for the scary/sexy looks from "Disturbia" but keeps it all in black and white, as well as dressing up a guest guitarist Slash, complete with hat, wig, glasses and ax. Watch:

Oh, Kanye! How Do You Expect To "Run This Town" With Lyrics Like These?

Jay-Z just dropped a new single, and I'm really loving the beat and the Rihanna-sung hook. The lyrics are the usual Hova stuff, bragging about having money and fame and such. But Kanye, whom I usually love but has been slipping on his guest spots of late, turns in such a laughable third verse I can't help but wonder if he's just phoning it in anymore.

The first third of the verse makes lyrical sense, it's about the subject of the rest of the track -fame and fortune. Slightly disjointed, jumping from "everybody on my dick - no homo" to talking about buying his family cars to not wanting his picture taken at church. It fits with the theme, but the segues are poor.

But then comes the comedy gold. Kanye jumps to the topic of girls following him around and focusing on one in particular. This line is classic misogynistic stupidity:

"She got a ass that'll swallow up a g-string/And up top, unh... Two bee stings"

I think it's the "unh" that does it, I just lose it at that moment. Such a sick description of a woman's body, too. BUT! It gets better...

"And I'm beasting/Off the riesling/And my n----- just made it out the precinct"

Pure nonsense! And I hate the use of the n-word, even by African American rappers. But the first two lines make no sense at all. And he keeps going:

"We give a damn about the drama that you do bring/I'm just tryin' to change the color on your mood ring"

Are we still discussing Ms. "up top, uhn, two bee stings"? Because I would think after that comment, the mood ring color would need to be changed from Orange-Red for aggressive to Violet for "in love." Meanwhile, let's talk fashion with Kanye:

"Reebok, Baby/You need to drop some new things/Have you ever had shoes without shoe strings?"

I have, Kanye. I have. Oh wait, still chatting up that ass that swallowed up a g-string? My bad. Keep insulting her footwear choice, that usually gets the ladies in bed.

I just devolves into random Dr. Seuss rhyming games after that but 'Ye does manage to bring it round to the chorus at the end:

"You feelin' like your runnin', huh? Now you know how we feel"

Y'know, because we gonna run this town tonight... Rihanna, bring the vocals! The video is hot, though:

Jay-Z - New Music - More Music Videos

Michael Jackson's Heritage: Rihanna, Ne-Yo and The Other Children Of MJ

I've wanted to talk about Michael Jackson's passing for some time now, but I don't really have the words. I came of age after the big hits, Thriller was released the year before I was born and the first Jackson song I'd heard was "Will You Be There" from Free Willy. As an adult I certainly understand the importance and genius of his work. He was a true artist, writing and producing not only his own hits, but also hits for Diana Ross and the charity single "We Are The World." His legacy extends beyond his own work, though.

Michael was a trailblazer, a pioneer in videos as well as music. Beyond the brilliant sound of "Billie Jean" the video was completely unique and groundbreaking. And then came "Thriller" - a music video in name only. It was an epic short film, financed by the king of pop himself.

I've often talked about the "Children Of ABBA" - my own personal theory on modern pop music. I feel that certain artists (from Taylor Dane to Britney Spears) are descended from the pop geniuses of ABBA, some via Madonna but even the Queen of Pop owes a debt to the Swedish quartet. Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the fact that there is another group of artists who descend from another musical genius, Michael Jackson.

It's not a black vs white issue. There is a different pop sound that Michael brought, a more organic approach to pop that the ABBA template doesn't have. While the children of ABBA create sleek pop masterpieces, reveling in the sanded down corners and smoothed down perfectness, the children of MJ rely on throbbing, jagged roughness. The stabbing bass line of "Billie Jean" would never work on an ABBA track, the layered harmonies of "Dancing Queen" would have seemed disingenuous on a Michael production. Neither is better than the other, both artists created pop masterpieces that influenced a million artists, both big and small.

Without Michael breaking down the color barrier at MTV, the idea of a black pop star (as opposed to "merely" disco star or R&B star) would have been impossible. Rihanna is one of the Children of MJ that springs to mind first. While the Barbados-born pop star doesn't write or produce her own music, that's not what makes a pop star a child of MJ. If you place her "Disturbia" next to "Thriller" you see the direct line from one pop star to another. "Umbrella" might not have the same sound as "Human Nature" but the similarity lies in the way both songs toy with melody and structure.

Another child of MJ is Ne-Yo, not just because "Because Of You" sounds like "Rock With You" but also in the way he inherits Michael's mantle as songwriter. He's written hits for Rihanna ("Unfaithful"), Beyonce ("Irreplaceable") and Lindsay Lohan ("Bossy") as well as his own. And the two world would have collided had Michael's passing not prevented Ne-Yo from cowriting for the King Of Pop's next record.

Michael's many children include dancing singers like Justin Timberlake and Chris Brown, although sometimes it seems those kids are stealing moves more than inheriting the spirit of Micheal's dancing. Ciara, however, exhibits that blend of homage and inspiration best when she dances, her moves come from that same place of joyous belief in the power of entertainment that MJ always seemed to possess.

Sonically, it's harder to point to an artist as a child of MJ, his voice should never be imitated. But his innovative contributions to pop music can be seen everywhere. I saw Keri Hilson as a child of MJ, but I was disappointed at the lack of her own songwriting on her debut album. Santigold is more of a MJ-style innovator, but her experimentation can sometimes go to far. Natasha Bedingfield is one of those pop stars that fluctuates between a child of ABBA and a child of MJ, songs like "These Words" and "Love Like This" have that free-flowing Michael sound while "Pocketful of Sunshine" falls on the ABBA side of the pop spectrum.

Really, I see Michael's influence most these days in the punk-pop/emo scene. Not just because Fall Out Boy covered "Beat It" but also because of the level of involvement a lot of these artists have behind the scenes. From writing their own songs, to picking producers and protegees with an eye towards creating a real pop sound to the energy they bring to the stage, artists like Paramore and Fall Out Boy may be the next logical step in music evolution.

If "Thriller"-era Michael took a look at the pop scene today, he'd probably be disappointed in the production he'd find. Look at the Billboard charts, from the lazy songwriting on "Birthday Sex" to the sonic blandness of "The Climb" to the all-around uselessness of "Don't Trust Me" we need more Children Of MJ.

VIDEO: What Made Kanye And Rihanna Get So "Paranoid"?

Kanye has never made a boring video. From the anime-inspired clip for "Stronger" to the hilarious "New Workout Plan" starring Anna Nicole Smith, he's made a career out of taking risks in both the studio and in front of the camera. He may have an inflated ego, but he almost deserves it.

Now, Mr. West has dropped the fourth single from his epic 808s & Heartbreak album. "Paranoid" features Mr. Hudson, but it's Barbados-born pop star Rihanna that stars in the new clip. In some stunning lingerie and gowns, the always beautiful Rihanna makes a triumphant return to pop performance after her recent assault, allegedly at the hands of her then-boyfriend Chris Brown.

In the video, Rihanna doesn't have a whole lot to do, just pose a lot and drive a car around looking really hot. She does both well. Watch here.

Everybody Sing! Pop Divas Join Forces For "Just Stand Up"

All-star charity singles were huge in the 80s, remember "We Are The World?" But with exception of some failed attempts post-9/11, nobody has been stepping up to the plate. Well, no more! The all-female chorus on "Just Stand Up (To Cancer)" includes cancer-survivors Melissa Etheridge and Sheryl Crow; hip-hop chicas Beyonce, Rihanna, Keyshia Cole, Fergie, Ciara and Ashanti; multi-octave range rovers Mary J. Blige, Leona Lewis and Mariah Carey; country stars Carrie Underwood and LeAnne Rimes and pop-tarts Miley Cyrus and Natasha Bedingfeild. And, it's surprisingly listenable. Like most charity singles, the lyrics are trite, but hearing some of the best songbirds on the planet give it their all, although Leona could out-sing her duet partner Fergie, obvs! Listen below, and read the lyrics and a break-down of who-sang-what here.

Rihanna's Creepy New Video - "Disturbia"

I'm not even sure how many times I can watch this new David LaChapelle-directed clip for Rihanna's euro-pop influenced single "Disturbia." The bondage-themed video is too reminiscent of the ads for the Saw and Hostel movies, which make me nauseous. But I love this new techno-meets-hip-hop sound that Chris Brown (this track's co-writer), Rihanna and Ne-yo are bringing to the radio. Watch:

We're Halfway There... (Part One)

OK, kids, we've made it to the midpoint of 2008, and I'm hankering for some list making! So far 2008 has brought us a new Spears baby (not Britney's) a couple of pop diva comeback albums (again, not Britney's) and a new seriously hot American Idol (still not Britney) and an American pop star on How I Met Your Mother (yup, Britney!) So, what are my favorite tracks of 2008's first half?

I've decided to make two lists. The first is a top 15 list of just pop hits. These are the songs with heavy radio airplay and charted high on the Hot 100. Last year, a lot of these songs got buried at the back of my top 50, because I get so sick of hearing them they become less hot than the album tracks and indie stuff. But my number one pop hit may end up being my number one song of the year, it just depends on what the rest of the year holds. It's most played on my iPod, despite also being a massive radio hit. The peak position on the Billboard Hot 100 (per Wikipedia) is listed after the title.

List number two, which you will get later this week, is the non-hits. Maybe they got light airplay or are totally not radio-friendly indie-type stuff. Or perhaps they are remixes or album tracks, but my love for them is as strong or stronger than the radio hits. For my year end list, I will probably not do the separate lists, but who knows? That's six months away...

Paulbo's Top 15 Pop Hits 2008.5

15. Miley Cyrus - "See You Again" (#10)
For a song that I hated the first few weeks of radio play, Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus's biggest pop hit sure is high on my chart. I still think some of the lyrics are shit ("My best friend Leslie said oh she's just being Miley" is one of the most obnoxious lines in pop music history) but it's got a killer beat, funky surf guitars and a chorus that is catchy as hell. More worth cranking in the car than I want to admit.

14. Janet Jackson - "Feedback" (#19)
Another beat-heavy track, only this time with a far more urban flair and mature lyric content. Featuring one of my favorite lines of the year: "My swag is serious/something heavy like a first day period" So gross, but so funny.

13. Rihanna - "Please Don't Stop The Music" (#3)
This Michael-Jackson-sampling club hit puts me in serious dance floor mode. Originally gaining major play in dance clubs in 2007 causing "Please Don't Stop The Music" to hit the top of the Billboard Clubplay Charts before it's official radio release in January 2008. But enough chart chat, it's a dance song. So shake that booty people!

12. Mariah Carey - "Touch My Body" (#1)
Sexy, flirty, fun. And that's just Jack McBrayer in the the video! Mimi emancipates herself from ballads and brings a naughty pop track to the masses. Apparently booty calls are her style, and a piano-driven beat is too. But she's not totally kinky, if there's a camera up here, then she best not catch this flick on YouTube. But the hilarious music video? That's all up in YouTube's bidness like a Wendy interview...

11. Coldplay - "Viva La Vida" (#1)
"Viva La Vida" is the first ever number one hit for the British band, and my favorite Coldplay track since "Yellow." I love symphonic rock, and this is a prime example of why.

10. Rihanna - "Take A Bow" (#1)
Many have tried to rip off "Irreplaceable" but leave it to that hit's songwriter (Ne-Yo) and production team (Stargate) to turn the new Beyonce into, well, the new Beyonce. It may not be as catchy as "umbrella-ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh" but it's still a stunning pop ballad.

9. Danity Kane - "Damaged" (#10)
I never really liked Danity Kane, they seemed like the Spice Girls for the '00s, only without the hits. While "Show Stopper" was an OK club track, "Damaged" is like "The First Cut Is The Deepest" only as a club banger! The lyrics are actually moving, but the girls don't park on the dance floor no matter how damaged their hearts are.

8. Natasha Bedingfeild - "Pocketful of Sunshine" (#6)
It's just a sweet little pop song, not as cloying as previous single "Love Like This" but not as brilliant as "Unwritten" or "These Words (I Love You, I Love You)" I love the downbeat of the track, reminiscent of fellow Brit-poppers Dido or Seal, which makes it a perfectly chill summer song.

7. Colbie Caillat - "Realize" (#20)
On this track Caillat's lyrics cut like a knife, which is something I never thought I'd say about the songwriter who described love as giving her "tingles in a silly place." It perfectly describes the tentative love one has for a friend, especially one that may be unavailable :coughstraightguyscough: Colbie wants her man to meet her halfway, to realize which she just realized, but we never find out if he does. I hope so, I know the pain of unrequited love and nothing spoils your peanut butter sandwiches more than it.

6. Chris Brown - "Forever" (#8)
I haven't heard a techno track get this much airplay since Cascada's "Everytime We Touch" but I'm not complaining. The beat insists on making you dance, the euro-synths shimmer like they should, the chorus is amazing: "It feel like I waited my whole life for this one night/It's only me, you and the dance floor" They may need a new word to describe this genre-blending on songs like this or Rihanna's "Please Don't Stop The Music" and much of Madonna's Hard Candy, perhaps techno-hop?

5. Katy Perry - "I Kissed A Girl" (#2)
A new-wavey nod to lesbian experimentation, with naughty lyrics like "I kissed a girl and I liked it/The taste of her cherry chap stick" and a synthy rock beat. It's an instant pop classic, from a girl whose worked with Matthew Thiessen of Relient K in the past and appeared in the Gym Class Heroes video "Cupid Chokehold" Emo enough for ya?

4. Jordin Sparks feat. Chris Brown "No Air" (#3)
The youngest American Idol winner completes her takeover of the pop charts with this torchy duet with R&B superstar Chris Brown. The runs-to-actual-lyrics ratio is pretty high, making it perfect for a chest-thumping lip sync in the bathroom mirror. I highly recommend it.

3. Flyleaf - "All Around Me" (#40, Hot Modern Rock Tracks Chart: #6)
With a stunning cry of "I'm alive!" over a bed of modern rock guitars, Flyleaf lead singer Lacey Mosely leaped into my heart. The smallest and most fragile looking rocker I've seen, her voice chills me, and the line from the chorus "I can feel you all around me/thickening the air I'm breathing" is one of the most amazing things I've heard all year. The album may be three years old, and the track may have debuted on the modern rock charts last year before finally entering the pop charts this year, but that only proves the longevity of this appealing rock smash.

2. Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake "4 Minutes" (#3)
This song was created just for me to love. My goddess, the Divine Madonna, and my boyfriend/stalkee, the Adonis-like Justin Timberlake, together? How could I hate? From the second the French radio rip hit the interwebs, I was all over it. The brassy beat, courtesy of pop-mastermind Timbaland and the self-referential hooky chorus were enough to have me in it's grips. The best dance single so far this year, with many other hit-worthy tracks on the parent album Hard Candy. I'm out of time, and I've only got four minutes...

1. Leona Lewis - "Bleeding Love" (#1, four non-consecutive weeks)
It's hard to believe this soaring ballad was written by former teen-pop star Jesse McCartney, and that the eighties-style beat wasn't a Timbaland production. The organ and strings put me in mind of Sinead O'Conner's "Nothing Compares 2 U" only with the vocals of Mariah Carey. I gorgeous pop ballad, perfect for singing along to, but you can't outsing the new diva in town, Ms. Leona Lewis.