5 Songs You Hear In Country Music Hell

Over the last 6 months or so my manager has decided that we should be listening to country music whenever he is working.  Depending on who you are, that sounds like musical heaven or absolute hell.

The thing is, I used to enjoy watching videos on CMT and listening to country radio upon occasion. While I don't have every George Strait song memorized, I have a variety of country CDs in my collection and in my iTunes. But listening to nonstop country a minimum of 2 days a week, all shift long, is not quite my cup of tea. I start to notice there are a few templates that repeat. Maybe the old joke about playing a country song backwards and getting your truck, dog and woman back could be replaced with these stereotypes instead.

1. The Song About How Great Small Town Living Is
 Example: "Where I Come From" - Montgomery Gentry; "Tattoos On This Town" - Jason Aldean; "Boondocks" - Little Big Town; "Homeboy" - Eric Church

No "hip hop hats" allowed

Every geographic location has its pros and cons. A big city like New York may have Central Park and the Museum Of Modern Art and Broadway but the traffic is awful and the crime is insane. But if you listen to country music radio, not only does small town living not have any cons but it's better than any other place on earth. After all, The Big City is where bad kids run away too, according to Eric Church, when they could be sitting on a tailgate of a truck drinking beer.

But Smalltown USA is where no one calls the cops during a parking lot beatdown (this is a plus according to Montgomery Gentry) and where you can play cards on Saturday night and go to church on Sunday morning (per Little Big Town, who love small town living so much their name and debut single were inspired by it!) You cannot do this in The Big City because of the roaches that sleep in your deck of cards, and also drug dealer sleeping in your churches.

And living in a close knit rural farming community means leaving a lasting mark. Like teaching kids, helping a neighbor in need or preserving historical buildings. Right, Jason Aldean? Wait, the tattoos on this town are graffiti on an overpass and skid marks from drag racing? Well, that's good too...

2. The Song About How Great Country Music Is
Example: "Songs About Me" - Trace Adkins; "Banjo" - Rascal Flatts; "Country Must Be Country Wide" - Brantley Gilbert

Country music is unique in it's storytelling abilities and it's focus on all American values like maternal pride, long term relationships and putting boots in people asses.

That's because these are songs about every single person on earth (at least the white ones) Trace Adkins believes. They are about "loving and living [so far so good] and good hearted women [um...] and family [Sister Sledge style family?] and God [Allah? The Black Madonna?]" Besides, who doesn't like a banjo solos? LIBERALS. That's who.

After all there is a country station pretty much everywhere you could go, so Brantley Gilbert must be ashamed of his assuming that people from Idaho aren't really country. It's not like they are from Hollywood. Like Keith Urban, the traitor.

3. The Song About The Dangers of Drinking, Followed By A Drinkin' Song
Examples: "Whiskey Lullaby" - Brad Paisley & Alison Krauss; "I Love This Bar" - Toby Keith; "Nothing To Die For" - Tim McGraw; "Dirt Road Anthem" - Jason Aldean

Drinking is bad!

I actually like the song "Whiskey Lullaby" thanks to a beautiful melody sung beautifully by Brad and Alison. But the emotional whiplash of going between that and a song like "I Love This Bar" or the anti-drunk-driving PSA of "Nothing To Die For" segueing into Jason Aldean's enjoyment of an "ice cold beer sitting in the console" of his vehicle.

I know different artists will have different opinions of drinking but the switcheroo for the listener is uncomfortable.

4. The Song Objectifying Women
Examples: "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" - Trace Adkins; "Country Girl (Shake It For Me)" - Luke Bryan; "Somethin' 'Bout A Truck" - Kip Moore

Pictured: Human with objects behind her.

Sexual objectification is hardly exclusive to country music. In fact, the genre is one of the few places where women over 40 can still be considered a hitmaker. And male artists are just as likely to be seen in tight pants and tees (or topless!) as the female ones are, creating an equality of sorts.

See?

Which is why it's so disappointing when songs like "Country Girl" get such heavy airplay. Luke asks this nameless female to shake it for everyone - the DJ, the rednecks, the young bucks, the catfish, the moon and himself. But is she ever asked if she wants to shake it for her own pleasure, for the pure joy of the dance? Of course not, she's a sex object not a person with opinions or desires. Silly homo, tricks are for chicks.

Meanwhile Trace Adkins is back, this time to pimp his country ride with a LMFAO-level crappy dance track complete with terrible lyrics and a cheesy beat. He performed this at the Grand Ole Opry. May Kitty Wells never see that footage.

5. The Song By A Frat Boy Peter Pan (who is capable of more)
Examples: "Red Solo Cup" and "As Good As I Once Was" by Toby Keith; "Living In Fast Forward", "Beer In Mexico" and "Out Last Night" by Kenny Chesney

Sometimes, the world needs a 50-year-old to sing about drinking from plastic cups. Wait, I meant the opposite of that. The world needs Toby Keith to leave that nonsense to talentless white "rappers" like Asher Roth, instead of a man capable of decent records like "You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like That" and "She Never Cried In Front Of Me." But since he also gave us the ode to twincestuous three ways and bar fights titled "As Good As I Once Was" I guess I am expect too much. Get your Frat Boy antics on, old man.

More gratuitous shirtlessness

Ditto for Kenny Chesney. His catalog includes sweet ballads like the tale of a couple who made it to 50 years "Don't Blink" and the totally not homoerotic football tribute "Boys Of Fall." Also included? Crap like "Out Last Night" (recorded in his early 40s) about - get this - going out. Last night, even. I KNOW! If the lazy title wasn't enough, his singing is lazy on the track and his Barney Stitson aping list of fake stories to help him get laid is even lazier.

The thing is, country music is a diverse field (except skin-color-wise) with room for everyone to come to the party (except big city folks, liberals or pacifists.) So there are bound to be some really annoying music to come out of it, just like in rock or hip-hop. I just wouldn't play a rock or hip-hop radio station in a shoe store with employees who would rather scoop their eardrums with a grapefruit spoon than listen to steel guitars and banjos all day long. That's all.