I know, that title is so topical and fresh. Next thing you know, I'll be busting out Richard Hatch jokes.
The rules have changed, we get twelve singers performing tonight but only three make it through. The top guy and top girl make it through, as well as the next highest vote getter. Confused? Don't worry, just gaze into Ryan's robot eyes and he will beam the explanation right into your brain. He's good like that.
Last night the first 12 contestants on America's favorite talent show had the difficult task of picking songs from a very limited theme: Songs From The Billboard Hot 100. Not this weeks Hot 100, just from the Hot 100. All seven million songs that have ever landed on that exclusive chart. You could choose a song from High School Musical or The Beatles or Garth Brooks or literally thousands of other artists. It's so limiting! Maybe that's why they all sucked giant donkey balls last night?
We're opening the night with the theme from Las Vegas (the show, not the city. The city's theme is "Heaven's Just A Sin Away") that latter day Elvis hit "Little Less Conversation." Remember that Hobbity dude, Jon Peter Lewis? He was all short and adorbs in season three. Any way, he sang this song and got all crazy white boy dancing with it. Will Jackie Tohn do the same? She says her goal is to get "Miss Abdul on her feet." Like that's so hard. Just slip an extra gram of coke into her drink. She looks like Santigold's white sista-in-arms in black stretch pants, fresh high topped dunks and a polka dotted top with a sweetheart neckline. And yes, she gets crazy with it. It's such a ridiculous song, requiring absolutely no singing skills. Jackie's fun, but I really didn't get any impression of real skill. Like a really cool chick at a karaoke party, not an Superstar. Kara thinks she worked the stage, but so did Taylor Hicks. And he won, only to be stuck playing Teen Angel in a traveling production of Grease. Ouch. I bet even Diana DeGarmo thinks that's lame.
Next is Ricky Braddy. Who? Exactly. I never saw him, not once, in the earlier episodes. He's cute, and he's wearing a fly wine colored jacket over white shirt and dark wash jeans. With a faux-hawk. He's like my thinner twin! I'm kinda in love with him right now. He's singing that song Elliot Yamin sang through his jacked-up teeth in season six. It's called "A Song For You" like a sing-o-gram or something. No, it's not "Your Song" by Elton John. Same idea, different organization of words. Anyway, Ricky "No Screen Time" Braddy has really good vocals, really nice inflections and gives good face while singing. It wasn't really special, but it was good. I really like this dude. Too bad Danny "Hot Widower" Gokey and Anoop Dogg are going through long before Ricky is. Even with his parents wearing "Braddy Bunch" t-shirts? Sooo cute. It could be enough to put him over.
I keep hearing good things about lil' firecracker Alexis Grace, the hot mom with pink streaks in her hair. She's gonna sing Aretha's "Never Loved A Man The Way I Loved You." Which is predictably disappointing. She really tries for a gritty soul sound, but it just comes off a very good karaoke. Randy thinks she dug down deep and pulled out pain and soul, but I did not hear it. She's good and, after hearing the rest of the singers tonight, the best female we heard.
Oh dear. Brent Keith wants to show us who he is, bringing us a "rockin' country" song. Little Big Town's "Hicktown"is a fun, if totally lacking in vocal interest. And Brent set the bar even lower by sounding like a hot country boy singing down at Big Ray's Bait, Tackle 'n' Beer. Sloppy and goofy, without showing any real talent.
And the bad karaoke night continues with Stevie Wright. She's cute and perky and fun, but the judges thought she skewed old with her "At Last" during the final solo round in Hollywood week. So she flips the script and pulls out Taylor Swift's "You Belong To Me" - a song which requires very little upper vocal range. Thing is, she couldn't keep up with the music and her lower range doesn't have enough power. She seemed really uncomfortable, too. That made me uncomfortable! If she wanted to go the young route, like the judges suggested, I would have attempted Taylor's "White Horse" instead. Or Porter Block's power-pop cover of the High School Musical anthem "Breaking Free." But alas, this was a bad choice and it really does Stevie in.
Anoop Dogg in the house! My boy Anoop Desai combines the best parts of boy band lightness and smooth R&B vocals in a cover of Monica's "Angel Of Mine." The judges may not have been as impressed as I am, but I really enjoyed it. He's so likable, I still think he'll make it through.
How does one begin to describe the absolute mess that was Casey Carlson's "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic"? This was the very definition of karaoke, using the original arrangement to back drop her Disney Channel star vocals was a bad idea. Even choosing this song was a bad idea, but Casey doesn't just sing against the music, she adds weird Miley Cyrus facial expressions and an awkward stage movements. She's a stunning girl, with a decent voice. She just really needs a team of producers, choreographers and handlers to whip her into superstar shape.
Too bad Michael Sarver is married, because that is one roughneck who could rough me up! I know, I'm so bad. But he's so very cute in a manly way. And his vocals until tonight were smooth r'n'b loverman meets country cute. Tonight, he really disappointed, performing the overplayed "I Don't Wanna Be" in a very karaoke fashion.
I know I keep harping about the karaoke aspect of AI this week, but I got used to the risks taken by David Cook, Jason Castro, and Brooke White. In fact, Chikeze, Danny Noriega and Kristy Lee Cook even took more risks than this bunch. Ever since Daughtry channeled nearly every song he performed to fit his sound and voice in season five, we've discovered that it doesn't have to be just karaoke. Blake Lewis took it a step forward in season six and then last year was a banner year for "artists" as opposed to "products." I really don't want to go back to the beginning, I want true musical talent to emerge. We want more than just vocalist who can be pushed around by cheap-ass production team 19 Entertainment uses.
Back to Michael. It was a decent vocal, but still nothing special. I think it's going to come down to Anoop and Michael to come in second after Danny Gokey tonight.
Kara doesn't know who Ann Marie Boskovich is as an artist. Has she been watch the same show as I have? After her faithful cover of "I Hope You Dance" during Hollywood week, I could see the slick country-politan singer that Ann Marie is. She does the same thing, pulling a glossy vocal out of her back pocket to perform "Natural Woman." Yeah, she doesn't have the same roundness of sound as Aretha, but I always preferred Carol King's version anyway. (Cue the pearl clutching of my sisters in drag.) It was pretty, a little lightweight, but good. And I don't understand why Kara wants her to do "Love Song" by Sara Barellies. It's a nice song, but that is not who Ann Marie is.
Poor Steven Fowler! He will always be known as the guy who forgot the words (twice!) to David Cook's coronation song "Time Of My Life" last week. This week he attempts Michael Jackson's "Rock With You" and he sounds good. Too bad there is no market for disco singers anymore, because he really does sound nice. Occasionally his voice seems to go off track, but it's a soulful slickness that really fits with the dance floor sound. But, he doesn't leave much of an impression. He reminds me of season four's Vonzell. Nice, but not very memorable.
Why can't Tatiana Del Toro just suck? Not that way, pervs! She's a totaly drama queen and was really obnoxious during her audition and Hollywood week. But she keeps making it through. And now she sounds really good, even tackling the Untouchable herself, Miss Whitney Houston. "Saving All My Love" is not the most difficult Whitney track, but the judges always make the comparison. And Tatiana is good! She has a beautiful voice, and she seems to have taken her Prozac because girlfriend is no longer crazy as hell. We'll see if that is enough to put her through, especially since her only real female competition is Alexis.
Oh, Danny Gokey! You beautiful weeping man, you. I know your wife has only been gone a few months, I hope you won't forget her when you're up to your dick in groupies. Which will happen any minute now. Not just because you're hot (which you are!) but because you can sang. Your version of "Hero" was really lovely. You have great control, great tone and much improved stage presence. I think I love you...
So, who is sticking around? Danny Gokey, for sure. Probably Alexis, but Tatiana may sneak in there. For the third, I think it will come down to the roughneck or Anoop Dogg. We'll find out tonight!
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