Grammy Night = We Don't Care About The Young Folks...

As usual, the Grammy awards on CBS last night promised good things. Also as usual, they failed to deliver far too often. And like Charlie Brown, I ran up expecting to kick the football and once again brained myself when Lucy pulled it away.

Not the show was completely devoid of entertainment value. But how sad is it that one of the best performances of the night was thrown together at the last minute to cover for Chris Brown's absence? Rev Al Green with My Southern Boyfriend Justin Timberlake doing "Let's Stay Together" with a little help from My Australian Boyfriend Keith Urban and Boyz II Men was really cool, very fun and not seven million years long. Like say...

U2 doing their godawful new single and Radiohead blathering on about being back where they started from. Just because you could pay what you wanted for In Rainbows doesn't mean it's not boring. I act like I'm not a rock'n'rolla because I'm not. But I can appreciate good rock music. And Coldplay's performance of "Viva La Vida" was stunning. The fact Chris Martin can hop around in a candy-colored jacket and still hold the melody is nothing short of astonishing. Opening the set with the piano based Jay-Z collab "Lost" was another genius move.

Speaking of Hova, how sweet was "Swagger Like Us?" I could have died. Ready-to-pop M.I.A. busts a few lines of her Record Of The Year nominated "Paper Planes" before being joined by the "Rap Pack" of a Jeri-Curled Kanye, an on-fire Jay-Z, Lil' Wayne and T.I. for the nominated all star track. I still love Yeezy's "How does feel to wake up and be the shit and the urine?" It's insanity! Plus I ain't never seen maternity wear quite like Maya's polka dot faux-bikini. Seriously, that is fuckin' awesome.

Also fuckin' awesome? Katy Perry's fruity stage set. J.Hud's emotionally fueled "You Pulled Me Through" starting with an a capella vocal and ending with a massive choir and a little tear. That's what you call an build up! Adele, still chasing those effing pavements, with a little help from Sugarland at the end. And muthafucking Neil Diamond, with the performance of the night! The man can get a crowd of industry types to "bum, bum, BUM" along to "Sweet Caroline" like a bunch of drunk sorority girls at a karaoke bar. Damn, I love me some "Sweet Caroline"

Alas, not all was greatness. While the tween set was sated by some Jo Bros feat Grammy fave Stevie Wonder and a duet between Jo Exes Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, I was left a little cold by both. And Miley makes such weird faces when she sings! And did we need another Beatles tribute? Seriously, didn't we just have two last year? Gawd!

You may have noticed I have purposefully avoided any talk of the winners and losers. That's because Jennifer Hudson's win for Best R&B Album and Adele's win for Best New Artist were the few highlights of the telecast awards. When it's all Raising Sand, all the time you know I have nothing to discuss. Unless you want a rant? You do? Schweet...

OK, I love Alison Krauss. She is a divine goddess among bluegrass singers, her soft dreamy vocals astound me, her contribution to the soundtracks of O Brother, Where Art Thou and Cold Mountain are the stuff musophiles like me dream of when we are forced to put down our iPods and go to the movies. "When You Say Nothing At All" is divine, "Brand New Favorite" is stunning. I loves her, mmkay? I get that Robert Plant is a legend, Led Zepplin is what rockers around the globe long to be. Not my scene, but I get it. Throw in uber-producer T-Bone Burnett and you have the makings of some good stuff, if you're into that kind of sound.

BUT IT'S NOT POP! The biggest problem I had with the multiple wins Alison Krauss and Robert Plant got was the one for Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals. You have the bubbling disco hip-hop hybrid of the Madonna/JT banger "4 Minutes" or the vocal acrobatics of Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown on "No Air" or the electro-synths of "If I Never See Your Face" with Rihanna sexing up a Maroon 5 joint or the Grammy wonder twins John Mayer and Alicia Keys in some song I never heard, and you give it to "Rich Woman" - a nice; if boring; White Stripes rip off? Seriously? I don't get it. It's a nice song, but it put My Real Boyfriend to sleep.

For Record Of The Year, I was gunning for a "Paper Planes" win. M.I.A. is my favorite Sri Lankan baby mama. But I really thought Coldplay was gonna snag it, and I would have been happy for the symphonic rock of "Viva La Vida" to garner some gold. I though Adele would be the most likely to upset the British soft-rockers, "Chasing Pavements" is a very "Grammy" kind of song. And "Bleeding Love" is a pop song with enormousness written all over it. So how did "Read The Letter" win? T-Bone's dick-sucking abilities? Perhaps. It's quite possibly the most boring song I've ever heard. OK, not really. But compared to the others in the category I don't get it. At all.

Album Of The Year I'm less upset about. It would have been nice to give a rap album an award, I believe Outkast's win for the brilliant double disc Speakerboxxx/The Love Below was the last time a hip-hop disc won, Lauryn Hill's equally amazing The Miseducation Of... was the only other time it happened. So I was thinking the possibility of a Lil Wayne win was slim but sneakily enticing prospect, even I didn't think it deserved it. But I figured it would come down to Coldplay or the Krauss/Plant combo platter. And T-Bone's baby pulled through.

Why am I surprised at any of this? Last year I felt the same let down after Herbie effin Hancock beat out Kanye and Winehouse (which elicited a "Herbie can stuff a Hancock in it" from my sister.) In fact, excepting the 2004 awards, I've never really been pleased with the results of the Grammys. Why do watch? So I can blog. How very meta of me...