Oh, Kanye! How Do You Expect To "Run This Town" With Lyrics Like These?

Jay-Z just dropped a new single, and I'm really loving the beat and the Rihanna-sung hook. The lyrics are the usual Hova stuff, bragging about having money and fame and such. But Kanye, whom I usually love but has been slipping on his guest spots of late, turns in such a laughable third verse I can't help but wonder if he's just phoning it in anymore.

The first third of the verse makes lyrical sense, it's about the subject of the rest of the track -fame and fortune. Slightly disjointed, jumping from "everybody on my dick - no homo" to talking about buying his family cars to not wanting his picture taken at church. It fits with the theme, but the segues are poor.

But then comes the comedy gold. Kanye jumps to the topic of girls following him around and focusing on one in particular. This line is classic misogynistic stupidity:

"She got a ass that'll swallow up a g-string/And up top, unh... Two bee stings"

I think it's the "unh" that does it, I just lose it at that moment. Such a sick description of a woman's body, too. BUT! It gets better...

"And I'm beasting/Off the riesling/And my n----- just made it out the precinct"

Pure nonsense! And I hate the use of the n-word, even by African American rappers. But the first two lines make no sense at all. And he keeps going:

"We give a damn about the drama that you do bring/I'm just tryin' to change the color on your mood ring"

Are we still discussing Ms. "up top, uhn, two bee stings"? Because I would think after that comment, the mood ring color would need to be changed from Orange-Red for aggressive to Violet for "in love." Meanwhile, let's talk fashion with Kanye:

"Reebok, Baby/You need to drop some new things/Have you ever had shoes without shoe strings?"

I have, Kanye. I have. Oh wait, still chatting up that ass that swallowed up a g-string? My bad. Keep insulting her footwear choice, that usually gets the ladies in bed.

I just devolves into random Dr. Seuss rhyming games after that but 'Ye does manage to bring it round to the chorus at the end:

"You feelin' like your runnin', huh? Now you know how we feel"

Y'know, because we gonna run this town tonight... Rihanna, bring the vocals! The video is hot, though:

Jay-Z - New Music - More Music Videos

The Kelly Clarkson Video I Almost Missed...

Sorry Girls 'n' Gays! I've been out of commission all weekend, between work, Pridefest, (EPIC!) taking a trip to the kinfolk up north and trying to squeeze in a little time with the boyfriend, I barely had a chance to breath since Wednesday.

I finally get a little moment to hit the interwebs and ZOMG! New Kelly Clarkson video! Junior had to draw it to my attention, this is the second time he's had to keep my head on straight gay.

I've known forever that "Already Gone" was the next single from my once and future beard, the lovely and diva-licious Kelly Clarkson. I even wrote a video treatment concept a few months ago. But I beginning to think it was getting the "Sober" treatment and no video would ever surface. So when I saw the gorgeous stills from it a couple weeks ago, I started getting excited. It looked glamorous, it looked sexy.

The video is all those things, but it's also not very Kelly. She lounges on a couch wearing pearls, she wanders the halls of a swanky penthouse apartment, she's surrounded by a CGI orchestra. Don't get me wrong, Kelly looks stunning. But since when did she wear chandelier earrings and black floor length cocktail dresses? I'm all for changing up one's look, but this doesn't feel natural. When she runs her hand down the champagne colored dress, they look small and childlike. She doesn't look comfortable in any of the shots, she looks like a little girl forced to pose for a pageant. She did the old-school Hollywood glamour thing so much better in the Reba duet version of "Because Of You" - she needed something fresh.

WHAT THE HELL DID THEY DO WITH THE KELLY I LURVE (and the missing minute or so of song run time?) Seriously, I am not happy with this video. Kelly is such a dynamo on stage and in the appropriate videos, I wish someone would give her a concept worthy of her talent. Watch:

Grammy Night = We Don't Care About The Young Folks...

As usual, the Grammy awards on CBS last night promised good things. Also as usual, they failed to deliver far too often. And like Charlie Brown, I ran up expecting to kick the football and once again brained myself when Lucy pulled it away.

Not the show was completely devoid of entertainment value. But how sad is it that one of the best performances of the night was thrown together at the last minute to cover for Chris Brown's absence? Rev Al Green with My Southern Boyfriend Justin Timberlake doing "Let's Stay Together" with a little help from My Australian Boyfriend Keith Urban and Boyz II Men was really cool, very fun and not seven million years long. Like say...

U2 doing their godawful new single and Radiohead blathering on about being back where they started from. Just because you could pay what you wanted for In Rainbows doesn't mean it's not boring. I act like I'm not a rock'n'rolla because I'm not. But I can appreciate good rock music. And Coldplay's performance of "Viva La Vida" was stunning. The fact Chris Martin can hop around in a candy-colored jacket and still hold the melody is nothing short of astonishing. Opening the set with the piano based Jay-Z collab "Lost" was another genius move.

Speaking of Hova, how sweet was "Swagger Like Us?" I could have died. Ready-to-pop M.I.A. busts a few lines of her Record Of The Year nominated "Paper Planes" before being joined by the "Rap Pack" of a Jeri-Curled Kanye, an on-fire Jay-Z, Lil' Wayne and T.I. for the nominated all star track. I still love Yeezy's "How does feel to wake up and be the shit and the urine?" It's insanity! Plus I ain't never seen maternity wear quite like Maya's polka dot faux-bikini. Seriously, that is fuckin' awesome.

Also fuckin' awesome? Katy Perry's fruity stage set. J.Hud's emotionally fueled "You Pulled Me Through" starting with an a capella vocal and ending with a massive choir and a little tear. That's what you call an build up! Adele, still chasing those effing pavements, with a little help from Sugarland at the end. And muthafucking Neil Diamond, with the performance of the night! The man can get a crowd of industry types to "bum, bum, BUM" along to "Sweet Caroline" like a bunch of drunk sorority girls at a karaoke bar. Damn, I love me some "Sweet Caroline"

Alas, not all was greatness. While the tween set was sated by some Jo Bros feat Grammy fave Stevie Wonder and a duet between Jo Exes Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, I was left a little cold by both. And Miley makes such weird faces when she sings! And did we need another Beatles tribute? Seriously, didn't we just have two last year? Gawd!

You may have noticed I have purposefully avoided any talk of the winners and losers. That's because Jennifer Hudson's win for Best R&B Album and Adele's win for Best New Artist were the few highlights of the telecast awards. When it's all Raising Sand, all the time you know I have nothing to discuss. Unless you want a rant? You do? Schweet...

OK, I love Alison Krauss. She is a divine goddess among bluegrass singers, her soft dreamy vocals astound me, her contribution to the soundtracks of O Brother, Where Art Thou and Cold Mountain are the stuff musophiles like me dream of when we are forced to put down our iPods and go to the movies. "When You Say Nothing At All" is divine, "Brand New Favorite" is stunning. I loves her, mmkay? I get that Robert Plant is a legend, Led Zepplin is what rockers around the globe long to be. Not my scene, but I get it. Throw in uber-producer T-Bone Burnett and you have the makings of some good stuff, if you're into that kind of sound.

BUT IT'S NOT POP! The biggest problem I had with the multiple wins Alison Krauss and Robert Plant got was the one for Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals. You have the bubbling disco hip-hop hybrid of the Madonna/JT banger "4 Minutes" or the vocal acrobatics of Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown on "No Air" or the electro-synths of "If I Never See Your Face" with Rihanna sexing up a Maroon 5 joint or the Grammy wonder twins John Mayer and Alicia Keys in some song I never heard, and you give it to "Rich Woman" - a nice; if boring; White Stripes rip off? Seriously? I don't get it. It's a nice song, but it put My Real Boyfriend to sleep.

For Record Of The Year, I was gunning for a "Paper Planes" win. M.I.A. is my favorite Sri Lankan baby mama. But I really thought Coldplay was gonna snag it, and I would have been happy for the symphonic rock of "Viva La Vida" to garner some gold. I though Adele would be the most likely to upset the British soft-rockers, "Chasing Pavements" is a very "Grammy" kind of song. And "Bleeding Love" is a pop song with enormousness written all over it. So how did "Read The Letter" win? T-Bone's dick-sucking abilities? Perhaps. It's quite possibly the most boring song I've ever heard. OK, not really. But compared to the others in the category I don't get it. At all.

Album Of The Year I'm less upset about. It would have been nice to give a rap album an award, I believe Outkast's win for the brilliant double disc Speakerboxxx/The Love Below was the last time a hip-hop disc won, Lauryn Hill's equally amazing The Miseducation Of... was the only other time it happened. So I was thinking the possibility of a Lil Wayne win was slim but sneakily enticing prospect, even I didn't think it deserved it. But I figured it would come down to Coldplay or the Krauss/Plant combo platter. And T-Bone's baby pulled through.

Why am I surprised at any of this? Last year I felt the same let down after Herbie effin Hancock beat out Kanye and Winehouse (which elicited a "Herbie can stuff a Hancock in it" from my sister.) In fact, excepting the 2004 awards, I've never really been pleased with the results of the Grammys. Why do watch? So I can blog. How very meta of me...

The Best Pop Songs Pop Radio Isn't Playing

Oh, to be a radio programmer in the age of Clear Channel and Cumulus Media! You have to find exactly seven songs to rotate, and BAM you have your job done for the week. It's really easy, since all you have to do is check and see which songs feature Akon, Lil' Wayne and/or T-Pain and then you have one spot left to fill with an American Idol winner or runner up (or Daughtry, in more rock-receptive areas.) Then tell your DJs to intersperse "Where My Girls At?" and "In Da Club" in between those seven songs and you have Harrisburg's Hottest Hits: Hot 92 or Here's What Hot: 99.3 Kiss FM. Yay!

OK, I'm sure it's more difficult than that. I mean, there probably dozens of songs going for adds (yeah, I speak the lingo!) every week and you have to choose which ones you will have your DJs play. Some songs are crap, and those songs get played more. I'm kidding, I'm kidding! I'm trying to be sensitive to the fact that real people are making this music, then choosing to play this music.

But when I turn on the radio, I'd like to be able to choose something in between the somewhat hookless stuff on NPR or XPN and the literally ten songs that get played on the big pop stations. Would it kill them to play "Dangerous" only five times a day, and use the other spots left empty to play "Untouched" by the Veronicas, "With Every Heartbeat" by Robyn, "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You" by The Black Kids, "L.E.S. Artistes" by Santogold, "Black And Gold" by Sam Sparro, "Into The Nightlife" by Cyndi Lauper, "U Want Me 2" by Sarah McLachlan and "Light On" by David Cook?

OK, so that list may lean to the gay-friendlier side of things, but the fact I could come up with 6 recent singles off the top of my head that I've never heard on the radio, and two that got very limited airplay, is sad. I'm serious, there are literally dozens of really catchy, interesting pop singles like that. I'm not sure I'd still like any of these songs if they played them 12 times a day (no exaggeration) but why do we need to play any song that frequently? It's why so many people prefer blogs to radio to find new music: there is no new music on the radio. Just the same tired track played over and over until I run for cover.

My Super Sweet Funeral

You all know that when the revolution comes, the girls 'n' guys from My Super Sweet 16 will be the first on the guillotine, right? The bitches who scream "You ruined my life!" because their $50k cars are the wrong color and pour out the fake tears because daaaaaaddddddyyyyyyy I waaaaaaaanntttttt iiiiiiitttttt, what ever "it" may be. Silly girls who want to be carried out in litters or get Young Jeezy to perform without a thought to the price tag, AND without a thought the children that go to bed hungry every night who could use some of that wasted money for food, or vaccines so African babies don't die of malaria. Who gives a shit, when you could be made up like a human Barbie with box and everything to make an "entrance" Stupid, evil hos.

Anyway, rant over. Check out this hilarious video parody, My Super Sweet Funeral