[Diva Week] Kelly Clarkson: The Idol

For Diva Week at Pictures & Conversations we will look at 4 modern gay icons as well a special look at the diva I've idealized and followed (and not really fully realized until I read My Diva) since childhood. And no, you won't find out who that is until Friday. Yes, I'm a tease... Another day, another diva. This time it's the ultimate Idol, Kelly Clarkson.

Those who know my via my blog or in real life know I love Kelly Clarkson. In fact, at first she was going to be My Diva. When I started my blog on MySpace, the second post was a leaked clip of "Never Again", the first single from her fantastic third album My December. I must admit, though, I never watched the first season of American Idol. I thought "A Moment Like This" was a clever song, both a normal love ballad and a celebration of winning a talent contest, but kinda boring. I liked "Miss Independent" but didn't even buy her album.

When her sophomore set came out, I wasn't crazy about the lead single and title track Breakaway. It was kinda syrupy, but the all hell broke loose. "Since U Been Gone" was song that turned Kelly into a superstar, and I was hooked. "Behind These Hazel Eyes" came next, with a fucking brilliant video and an angry sing-along chorus. But it was "Because Of You" that cemented Kelly as my favourite pop star.

The slow building ballad, so fueled by the pain of a strained relationship with her mother, was the thing that sent me over the edge. It was a perfect parallel to my own relationship with my mother. Especially the bridge:

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

After the death of my father when I was 16, I did what any good son would do. I held up my mother when she couldn't hold herself together, I delayed any college plans because I could not imagine leaving my three little sisters and my mother to fend for themselves. And she let me. She let me throw that away, because she needed me. And I needed to be needed, I'm co-dependant like that. Which leads to the final lyrics of the song:

Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you I am afraid

For the record, my relationship with mother has improved, and through therapy I'm learning to stop blaming her for my own actions. Still love the song, though.

So I was hooked, and My December was the line that pulled me in. From the opening line of "Never Again" with it's brutal "I hope the ring to gave to her turns her finger green" to the closing one-two punch of the suicidal ballad "Irvine" and bonus track "Chivas" - a goof about picking Chivas over a leering ex - I played the shit out of that CD. It's a cohesive artist statement about love and loss, something I didn't really know anything about yet but felt I had learned from this Texas girl. I wanted to be the strong person who could sing these words, from the acoustic rock ballad "Maybe":

I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved

But I was a simpering fool who fell for the first guy who gave me the time of day. I wanted to be that girl who stood up to Clive Davis and said "This is what's in my heart, this is what I want to say." But that girl also had signed contracts and had to make another album. But not until she toured with her friend and duet partner Reba McIntire, who put on an awesome show in Reading last fall. I was there, it was epic.

Then came All I Ever Wanted. I didn't want to like it, it wasn't My December. But it truly is a collection of pop masterpieces, from the best songwriters in the business - Dr. Luke, Ryan Tedder, Max Martin, Kara DioGuardi and Kelly herself. It isn't the cohesive statement My December was, but perhaps that's OK. Kelly has some great songs, like the funk-pop title track and the ballad "Already Gone" for which a video is still coming. The stills from that clip (seen below) prove Kelly is still a stunning creature, and the album proved she has both the actual voice and the artistic voice to be a major diva for years. And, fuck it, if she put out a polka album today I would be all over that shit. I seriously love her.