I Break Down, Line By Line, Why "Birthday Sex" Is The Worst Song Of 2009

You know radio station programmers are stupid, right? I know, that's kinda mean. But it's frakking true, what else could explain the constant airplay given to god-awful "music" like the Pussycat Dolls' "When I Grow Up" or the entire catalog of Hinder singles?

Today's example comes in two flavors. Jeremih's "Birthday Sex" is currently at number seven on the Billboard Hot 100, peaking at number four during it's 13-week run. It's also at 15 on the Pop Airplay chart. Based on local airplay, I would put that number higher, but there may be radio programmers with taste in other parts of the nation. I would like to move to those places. The song isn't just awful with one beat, the radio mix features a faster, more technological beat where the original mix is more sparing on the beat.

The beat is pretty much unimportant. The lyrics, that is where the awfulness concentrates. Let's take a closer look, mmkay? Totes NSFW, bee-tee-dubs.



"It's yo birthday, so I know you want to ride out/Even if we only go to my house/Sip mo-eezy as we sit upon my couch" - Just what I wanted! To "only" go to your house and sit on the couch. At least take me to Red Lobster first, y'know? I don't ask for much, maybe dinner with a couple of friends. Better yet, a small party, with a karaoke player and some Smirnoff Ice. I'm not asking for a circus-themed extravaganza with a surprise performance by Britney Spears, just a little gathering with a couple of drinks and Chex Party Mix. But no, you bought something called "mo-eezy" and we are going to sip it. Sounds like a lot of planning went into this evening.

"Feels good, but I know you want to cry out" -Lemme guess? You think you'll be the one to make me cry out. Maybe if your junk smells like onions.

"You say you want passion, I think you found it/Get ready for action, don't be astounded" - You "think" I found it? Try being a little more sure. So far, you've only proven you can buy "mo-eezy" and drive from my house to yours. I need a bit more proof that you can astound me with your moves.

"We switching positions, you feel surrounded" - Switching positions already? Is it because the shoulder-holder makes it difficult to get your tiny dick in? And how are you surrounding me? If you wrap your legs and arms around does that mean I'm topping this time?

"Tell me where you want your gift, girl" - I want my gift inside you. 'Bout damn time I got to top, I shouldn't have to wait for my birthday.

"Girl you know I-I-I/Girl you know I-I-II been feenin/Wake up in the late night/Been dreamin' about your loving, girl" - I thought this was your gift to me, on my birthday. So why are you the one getting so excited?

"Girl you know I-I-I, Girl you know I-I-I/Don't need candles and cake/Just need your body to make..." - That's what you think, bub. I want a cake, I want candles, I want a fucking petting zoo and balloon animals! And for my birthday, you need my body? Seriously, I have to help with my own gift? Damn, you a lazy boyfriend.

"Birthday sex... Birthday sex... (It's the best day of the year girl)" - It'd be better with cake, I'm telling you...

"Birthday sex... Birthday sex (G-spot g-spot let me hit that g-spot g-spot girl)" - Now you need permission to hit the G-spot? Do you also need a map and GPS? Rhetorical question, of course you do. And a native tour guide.

"See you sexy in them jeans got me on 10" - See, you're making my birthday sex all about you again! And by "on 10" I assume you mean inches? Of dildo?

"1-2-3... Think I got you pinned/Don't tap out, fight until the end/Ring that bell, and we gon start over again" - Wow, boxing metaphors. Really? I'm not sure Rihanna or Tina Turner would approve.

"We grindin' with passion, 'cause it's your birthday" - The rest of the year, you just don't even bother, do you?

"Been at it for hours, I know you thirsty" - Since when was ten minutes of begging for oral followed by three minutes of sex and you falling asleep for 45 minutes on my shoulder qualify as "at it for hours?" And yes, I am thirsty. But I really don't want anymore of your nasty ass "mo-eezy."

"You kiss me so sweetly, taste just like Hershey's" - That's why I hate giving rim jobs.

"Just tell me how you want your gift, girl" - I'd like to unwrap it, squeal at the Tiffany blue box, the squeal some more at the size of the diamond, then thank you with a BJ. Is that so much to ask for?

"First, I'm gonna take a dive into the water deep/Until I know I pleased that body (body)" - Seriously? "First"? What the fuck have we been doing the last two verse and a chorus? And if you enjoy water sports, I am fucking out of here. Homie don't play that.

"Or girl without a broom I might just sweep you off yo feet/And make you wanna tell somebody (body) how I do" - So far, you have done nothing that would make wanna tell anyone anything. Quit bragging and get your teeth on my zipper.

"Or maybe we can float on top my water bed (bed)/You close your eyes as I improv between your legs" - Oh, I see. When you completely goofed up and nibbling on my belly button you were just improving? That also explains why you asked the audience for a location.

"We work our way from kitchens, stoves and tables/Girl, you know I'm more than able to please yeah" - You are going to bang me on your stove? Not only would I fear the range would turn on, even cold burners pressed up against my back (or chest, would it be easier doggie style?) would be way too uncomfortable. And kitchen sex is so 9 1/2 Weeks ago.

"You say you wanted flowers on the bed (on the bed)/But you got me in hours on the bed" - Because you couldn't do both? You couldn't stop at the grocery store, buy a couple of rose and sprinkle the petals on the sheets before you dragged me over here? And the sex is supposed to make up for lack of saying it with flowers. You are lucky I'm horny, or you wouldn't be getting any after this lackluster birthday. Next year, just order a Chik-Fil-A party platter and stripper and invite a few friends. I'd be more in the mood after that.