American Idol Recap! How Much Worse Can It Get?

Seriously, I am beyond disappointed in the season of Idol. Once again, a lot of piss-poor song choices and weird vocal tics. Where have all the brilliant singers gone?

First off, Jasmine Murray is cute as a goddamn button! Straight up, y'all. But she tried to bring a new flava to Sara Barellies' "Love Song" and didn't quite hit the right place with it. It could have been hot, her vocals were very gospel-tinged R&B and I wanted to love it. But it didn't ride the instruments well, and that's a recurring theme tonight.

Again with the R&B vocals over a decidedly non-R&B sound! Matt Girard tried to turn the Grammy winning "Viva La Vida" into a smoky blues thing, but forgot that the whole song is a series of synthesized strings. The lyrics actually lend themselves to a bluesy arrangement, but he left then as is and just changed up the vocals. He's really interesting, but he really bombed with that attempt.

I was bored by Janeane Vailes version of "This Love." The vocals were quite forced. She did have great gams, though.

Why do I enjoy the musical comedy of Nick Mitchell's "Norman Gentle"? Is it the blatant mocking of the overly serious version of the Broadway hit "And I Am Telling You" - a song I love despite it's histrionics? Is it the fact that the judges seem not to realize he's make an utter fool of them as well as himself? Or is just the shiny, shiny shirt? Who knows, all I know is he may win the whole damn thing.

I think I found my favorite girl! Allison Fraheta just rocked the fuck out of Heart's "Alone" and I couldn't be happier. He vocals are just raw, strong and blisteringly hot. She doesn't have the diva range, but she has more power than any other performer this year. I am in love with her red hair, too. She's like my new Paramore.

Kris Allen started super boring and forgettable when he hit the stage to perform "Man In The Mirror" but then it exploded into a very strong vocal. Plus he's pretty cute. Still not the most memorable or interesting guy this year but he may make the top twelve.

I don't get the appeal of Megan Joy Corkrey's voice. It's got a weird inflection that would sound good in some songs, but not "Put You Records On." Her voice could have sounded cool in a slower song, where it could meander between the chords. But it sounded constrained, like a caged bird with a muzzle.

I do like Matt Breitzke. I do! He's a totally cool dude with a voice for 1960's rock. He didn't really fit into Tonic's "If You Could Only See" despite having a lot of love for the song. He really bored me, and I never thought I say that about a guy like that.

I didn't see a lot of range in Jesse Langseth's voice, but you don't need range for "Bette Davis Eyes." What you do need is some attitude, which she had. But what I love about Jesse, who I don't recall ever seeing before, is her attachment to the song. I love it when peeps talk muso like that, I think it's fucking awesome that she knows that much about pop music.

I am totally bored by Kai Kalaman. His hair is obnoxious, his vocals were dull and his choice of song uninspired. "What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted" is a snooze...

Michavonna Hanson joins the karaoke queue with Train's "Drops Of Jupiter." Again, nothing special. I can't even remember what it sounded like.

Here we go! Adam Lambert does the drama queen thang with a bristling cover of "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction." It's very awesome, very theatrical and rather over the top - in a good way. He has ridiculous range for a guy, I'm looking forward to hearing more from him.

OMG! New Justin Timberlake And Someone Who Is Not Me! WORST SONG EVER!

Ciara's goodies are all over my future husband Justin Timberlake in the lead single from her up coming Fantasy Ride. I hate her so much right now. Doesn't she realize that I will cut a bitch? I am straight-up ghetto...

Ahem, the real Paul is back and ready to review. "Love Sex Magic" sounds like it would have been at home JT's last two projects, his own Future Sex/Love Sounds (based on the title as well as the similarities to "Sexy Ladies" on that disc) and the throbbing disco/hip-hop hybrid beats on Madonna's Hard Candy. Ciara sounds decent, she will never have huge range but the song doesn't require it. The beat is Off The Wall-era Micheal Jackson and the heavy breathing from the Timberlake gives me a thriller. It's a snappy pop track with plenty of sexy sass. I approve. Now if only this was the part where Justin Timberlake and me fall in love... Listen:

Bat For Lashes' New Songs Are Spooky, Haunting, Moody, Basically Your Stereotypical Bat For Lashes Songs.

I was deeply attracted to the haunting vocals of Natasha Khan on Bat For Lashes breakthrough single "What's A Girl To Do?" The parent album, Fur And Gold, had several other haunting tracks, like "Sad Eyes" or "The Wizard" - bizarre experiments on the edges of folk and world music highlighted by the spooky pagan ritual-esque lyrics.

Well, Bat For Lashes is back with a new disc in April and few songs have leaked. Songs like an album closing collaboration with Scott Walker the moody piano track "The Big Sleep" and delightfully synth-heavy "Daniel" is a standout slow jam. Did I just say slow jam? Yessir, new-New Wavers. The lead single sounds like a lost cut from the Labyrinth soundtrack, "Daniel" is equal parts dance-floor friendly and scary. The album opener, "Glass" is also stunning. Everything I've heard so far is like Fur And Gold to the nth power, more power and pizazz. I can't wait for it come out, add it to my list of CDs that will make 2009 worth living! Listen to the tracks at Bat For Lash's MySpace. Or click below... Two Suns is available 4/6 on SheBear/Parlaphone.

"The Big Sleep" (feat Scott Walker)



"Daniel"

Ingrid Michaelson Is So Fragile (And Briefly Heartless) In New Video

After Old Navy used New York City-based indie popper Ingrid Michaelson's "The Way I Am" in a sweater commercial I was intrigued by the gentle pop sound of the artist. Her Girls And Boys is a delightfully low key pop affair, very Lisa Loeb. The title comes from a lyric in the song "Breakable" - "we are so fragile, and our cracking bones make noise and we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys." A 2008 EP for the Stand Up To Cancer charity, Be OK followed that 2007 release, as well as a duet with fellow acoustic pop singer Sara Barellies on the Christmas album The Hotel Cafe Presents Winter Songs. Now, Ingrid is releasing a video for "Breakable" and it is equal parts creepy and adorable.

In the clip, Ingrid goes into the doctor to have her heart removed, and she carries the anatomically correct plush organ out of the office and drops it in a street singer's guitar case. Through a series of random heart-snatchings the body part ends up in a pawn shop. Ingrid then gets all biblical and sells all her groovy vintage housewares to get it back. It's very twee, in a strange foriegn film kind of way. Watch:

American Idol Recap! Episode One: The Phantom Talent

I know, that title is so topical and fresh. Next thing you know, I'll be busting out Richard Hatch jokes.

The rules have changed, we get twelve singers performing tonight but only three make it through. The top guy and top girl make it through, as well as the next highest vote getter. Confused? Don't worry, just gaze into Ryan's robot eyes and he will beam the explanation right into your brain. He's good like that.

Last night the first 12 contestants on America's favorite talent show had the difficult task of picking songs from a very limited theme: Songs From The Billboard Hot 100. Not this weeks Hot 100, just from the Hot 100. All seven million songs that have ever landed on that exclusive chart. You could choose a song from High School Musical or The Beatles or Garth Brooks or literally thousands of other artists. It's so limiting! Maybe that's why they all sucked giant donkey balls last night?

We're opening the night with the theme from Las Vegas (the show, not the city. The city's theme is "Heaven's Just A Sin Away") that latter day Elvis hit "Little Less Conversation." Remember that Hobbity dude, Jon Peter Lewis? He was all short and adorbs in season three. Any way, he sang this song and got all crazy white boy dancing with it. Will Jackie Tohn do the same? She says her goal is to get "Miss Abdul on her feet." Like that's so hard. Just slip an extra gram of coke into her drink. She looks like Santigold's white sista-in-arms in black stretch pants, fresh high topped dunks and a polka dotted top with a sweetheart neckline. And yes, she gets crazy with it. It's such a ridiculous song, requiring absolutely no singing skills. Jackie's fun, but I really didn't get any impression of real skill. Like a really cool chick at a karaoke party, not an Superstar. Kara thinks she worked the stage, but so did Taylor Hicks. And he won, only to be stuck playing Teen Angel in a traveling production of Grease. Ouch. I bet even Diana DeGarmo thinks that's lame.

Next is Ricky Braddy. Who? Exactly. I never saw him, not once, in the earlier episodes. He's cute, and he's wearing a fly wine colored jacket over white shirt and dark wash jeans. With a faux-hawk. He's like my thinner twin! I'm kinda in love with him right now. He's singing that song Elliot Yamin sang through his jacked-up teeth in season six. It's called "A Song For You" like a sing-o-gram or something. No, it's not "Your Song" by Elton John. Same idea, different organization of words. Anyway, Ricky "No Screen Time" Braddy has really good vocals, really nice inflections and gives good face while singing. It wasn't really special, but it was good. I really like this dude. Too bad Danny "Hot Widower" Gokey and Anoop Dogg are going through long before Ricky is. Even with his parents wearing "Braddy Bunch" t-shirts? Sooo cute. It could be enough to put him over.

I keep hearing good things about lil' firecracker Alexis Grace, the hot mom with pink streaks in her hair. She's gonna sing Aretha's "Never Loved A Man The Way I Loved You." Which is predictably disappointing. She really tries for a gritty soul sound, but it just comes off a very good karaoke. Randy thinks she dug down deep and pulled out pain and soul, but I did not hear it. She's good and, after hearing the rest of the singers tonight, the best female we heard.

Oh dear. Brent Keith wants to show us who he is, bringing us a "rockin' country" song. Little Big Town's "Hicktown"is a fun, if totally lacking in vocal interest. And Brent set the bar even lower by sounding like a hot country boy singing down at Big Ray's Bait, Tackle 'n' Beer. Sloppy and goofy, without showing any real talent.

And the bad karaoke night continues with Stevie Wright. She's cute and perky and fun, but the judges thought she skewed old with her "At Last" during the final solo round in Hollywood week. So she flips the script and pulls out Taylor Swift's "You Belong To Me" - a song which requires very little upper vocal range. Thing is, she couldn't keep up with the music and her lower range doesn't have enough power. She seemed really uncomfortable, too. That made me uncomfortable! If she wanted to go the young route, like the judges suggested, I would have attempted Taylor's "White Horse" instead. Or Porter Block's power-pop cover of the High School Musical anthem "Breaking Free." But alas, this was a bad choice and it really does Stevie in.

Anoop Dogg in the house! My boy Anoop Desai combines the best parts of boy band lightness and smooth R&B vocals in a cover of Monica's "Angel Of Mine." The judges may not have been as impressed as I am, but I really enjoyed it. He's so likable, I still think he'll make it through.

How does one begin to describe the absolute mess that was Casey Carlson's "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic"? This was the very definition of karaoke, using the original arrangement to back drop her Disney Channel star vocals was a bad idea. Even choosing this song was a bad idea, but Casey doesn't just sing against the music, she adds weird Miley Cyrus facial expressions and an awkward stage movements. She's a stunning girl, with a decent voice. She just really needs a team of producers, choreographers and handlers to whip her into superstar shape.

Too bad Michael Sarver is married, because that is one roughneck who could rough me up! I know, I'm so bad. But he's so very cute in a manly way. And his vocals until tonight were smooth r'n'b loverman meets country cute. Tonight, he really disappointed, performing the overplayed "I Don't Wanna Be" in a very karaoke fashion.

I know I keep harping about the karaoke aspect of AI this week, but I got used to the risks taken by David Cook, Jason Castro, and Brooke White. In fact, Chikeze, Danny Noriega and Kristy Lee Cook even took more risks than this bunch. Ever since Daughtry channeled nearly every song he performed to fit his sound and voice in season five, we've discovered that it doesn't have to be just karaoke. Blake Lewis took it a step forward in season six and then last year was a banner year for "artists" as opposed to "products." I really don't want to go back to the beginning, I want true musical talent to emerge. We want more than just vocalist who can be pushed around by cheap-ass production team 19 Entertainment uses.

Back to Michael. It was a decent vocal, but still nothing special. I think it's going to come down to Anoop and Michael to come in second after Danny Gokey tonight.

Kara doesn't know who Ann Marie Boskovich is as an artist. Has she been watch the same show as I have? After her faithful cover of "I Hope You Dance" during Hollywood week, I could see the slick country-politan singer that Ann Marie is. She does the same thing, pulling a glossy vocal out of her back pocket to perform "Natural Woman." Yeah, she doesn't have the same roundness of sound as Aretha, but I always preferred Carol King's version anyway. (Cue the pearl clutching of my sisters in drag.) It was pretty, a little lightweight, but good. And I don't understand why Kara wants her to do "Love Song" by Sara Barellies. It's a nice song, but that is not who Ann Marie is.

Poor Steven Fowler! He will always be known as the guy who forgot the words (twice!) to David Cook's coronation song "Time Of My Life" last week. This week he attempts Michael Jackson's "Rock With You" and he sounds good. Too bad there is no market for disco singers anymore, because he really does sound nice. Occasionally his voice seems to go off track, but it's a soulful slickness that really fits with the dance floor sound. But, he doesn't leave much of an impression. He reminds me of season four's Vonzell. Nice, but not very memorable.

Why can't Tatiana Del Toro just suck? Not that way, pervs! She's a totaly drama queen and was really obnoxious during her audition and Hollywood week. But she keeps making it through. And now she sounds really good, even tackling the Untouchable herself, Miss Whitney Houston. "Saving All My Love" is not the most difficult Whitney track, but the judges always make the comparison. And Tatiana is good! She has a beautiful voice, and she seems to have taken her Prozac because girlfriend is no longer crazy as hell. We'll see if that is enough to put her through, especially since her only real female competition is Alexis.

Oh, Danny Gokey! You beautiful weeping man, you. I know your wife has only been gone a few months, I hope you won't forget her when you're up to your dick in groupies. Which will happen any minute now. Not just because you're hot (which you are!) but because you can sang. Your version of "Hero" was really lovely. You have great control, great tone and much improved stage presence. I think I love you...

So, who is sticking around? Danny Gokey, for sure. Probably Alexis, but Tatiana may sneak in there. For the third, I think it will come down to the roughneck or Anoop Dogg. We'll find out tonight!

Review: Lily Allen - "It's Not Me, It's You"

Is there any thought Lily Allen has that she refuses to share with the world? The pop star got her start on MySpace, giving the world a close up view of both her music and her innermost thoughts on her blog. She's stopped posting every little thing that pops in her head anymore, but that's OK. She's dumping her musings on family, George W. Bush, drug addiction, God, boys who are bad in bed and the joys of eating Chinese and watching telly in the poppy disc It's Not Me, It's You.

Sonically, Lils' sophomore album is more glossy electro pop than the brassy ragga sounds of Alright, Still. Both albums contain the same juxtaposition of deceptively sunny pop sounds underscoring the alternately confessional and snarky lyrical content. One minute, Lily is bemoaning the lack of sexual prowess in her boyfriend over a spaghetti western beat, the next she uses a fast paced lyrical flow to beg forgiveness of her sister for past slights. She also tries to bury the hatchet with dad and mum on "He Wasn't There" and "Chinese" respectively, and takes to task the drug-addicted hypocrites on "Everyone's At It" and the world's views on aging in "22" - all with a tongue firmly placed in cheek.

The lyrics are still snotty, but in a more mature way than Alright, Still. A mature Lily Allen? Not quite. She still throws the "f" word around like an adorable sailor, but she also uses that wit to reflect on the quite moments in relationships on "Who'd Have Known" and God's views on Creedence Clearwater Revival and jihads on the stunning "Him." A fresh sound from the freshest girl in the game.

Review: Melinda Doolittle - "Coming Back To You"

On the opening track of Melinda Doolittle's deliciously retro debut album, the Idol alum wants to "get back to the fundamental things... to the elements of style." So she does, taking us back to the 60s soul sounds of Motown and Stax. But unlike fellow retro-fetishing pop artists like Amy Winehouse, she doesn't take it any place new.

Lead single "It's Your Love" is full of bombastic drums, strings and female BGVs that sound exactly like a lost Gladys Knight recording. The title track is smooth as butter, possibly the best song on the record. When she tackles the blues classic "Dust My Broom" she really shows the most gritty gospel stomp but she follows it with a sleepy reading of "I'll Never Stop Loving You" - most famously recorded by Doris Day. Melinda Doolittle wins me back with the gospel standard "We Will Find A Way" and cinches the deal with the Wal-Mart exclusive track, a lovely soul cover of Chaka Khan's "Through The Fire."

On Idol, Melinda was always the consummate professional. Her control ed vocals effortlessly inhabited any song, from Faith Hill to Bon Jovi. Unfortunately that level of polish prevents this album from reaching the heights a vocalist like her could reach. It's nice, but we've all heard most of it before.

Mindy Doo, live on Ellen...

Regina Spektor And Dozens Of Newlyweds Break My Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-heart.

The Courage Campaign has put together a video featuring a song from one of my favorite albums of all time. "Fidelity" was the lead single from Regina Spektor's brilliant Begin To Hope disc, and it soundtracks a slide show of couples married in 2008. Same sex couples from California, whose marriages are threatened by Ken Starr's recent filing to annul them. The video puts a human face to gay couples and the families led by them. It's a beautiful video, you should really watch it, then sign the letter to the Supreme Court:


"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Happy belated Valentine's Day!

Who Will Be The Next American Idol? Damned If I Know!

The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things. Like the top 36 that will be revealed tonight on American Idol. Here's some straight talk about the final solo performances of Hollywood Week that we heard last night. Who will make it on the little stage next week? And who is worthy of the top twelve, top five, top spot?

Stage actor/hottie/closet case? Adam Lambert performed the original vocoded pop song "Believe" in a balladeer style. I'm sure Simon was thinking "way too Broadway" but I kinda dug it. He's super cute and, despite being a theatre boi and covering Cher, straight acting enough to make it to the top twelve.

Blue-eyed soul singer Matt Giraud has the Elliot Yamin thing down but he kept looking down at his piano while he sings. It's a bit off-putting. I still think he has a chance to hit the 36 stage, but if he can't engage the audience he won't make it much further.

Besties Jamar Rogers and Danny Gokey are so cute together, and I would love to see that easy-going friendship take them into the top twelve together. But Jamar's voice is strange, I don't really like it. Danny is cute as ballz and has the emotion-tugging back story to garner him votes. His vocals are pretty good, too. But his hand gestures are awkward sometimes, the tiniest flaw. Danny is definitely top twelve, probably top five. Jamar will probably make it into the top 36, but his chances beyond that are up in the air.

I love Anoop Desai! He's funky and fun, with a great attitude. The look didn't match the sound though. His final solo was "My Prerogative" and he wore a striped sweater. He looked like a cute office temp at a karaoke bar after work. I think he will make it into the top 36, but I don't know if "middle America" will vote for him.

Jorge Nunez bored me, I don't quite know if he's got the chops to make it into the top 36. Others that made little impression on me were Mishavonna Henson, Alexis Grace and Kai Kaloma. I'm guessing at least some of them made it into the top 36, but they are seriously just cannon fodder at this point. And forgetting the words, like Joanna Pacitti and Casey Carlson did, will not get you any love from Simon. They will be lucky to make it into the top 36. Ditto for Stephen Fowler, since he didn't even try to finish out the song. That pissed me off. Just make up words or hum or play the piano while talking about "The Time Of My Life" Gawd...

Ok, let's discuss Scott MacIntyre. He's blind, so he has the biggest backstory hook of them all. And he will probably win because of it. Since he can carry a tune, I'm not too upset at that thought. But his version of DAUGHTRY's "Home" was so lounge/cabaret that I can't believe Simon didn't hate it. The reason Simon hasn't said anything is he can smell the money on him. What better sales hook than blind kid with the voice of an angel?. That'll get you Oprah, that'll get you command performances at political events, that'll get you the cover of People. Top five, no doubt.

Kendall Beard can't do Carrie Underwood justice. "Before He Cheats" is not a song you sing, it's a song you live. Stevie Wright sings that damn "Bubbly" song. She is dead to me. Kristin MacNavera (of the drama-filled group Compromise) did manage some emotion when she sang Kelly Clarkson's greatest ballad, "Because Of You" but it seemed a little overwrought. But all three are passable enough to make it into the top 36, but just as cannon fodder.

Lil Rounds, on the other hand, is just a ball of fabulousness! As if her name wasn't enough, she has a big ol' voice. And with an increasingly white bread female cast, she will probably pull a Syesha Mercado and make top five. God, I love her!

Oh, Tatiana Del Toro. The fact you are still around baffles me. You finally showed you have a decent voice (out of 8 songs, you'd think she'd have proved that by now) but your over all demeanor is ridiculous with a side of obnoxious. Kinda like the run you did at the end of your song. I really hope she doesn't make top 36, but I doubt she'll make it any further than that.

Jasmine Murray did a decent job with Jordin Sparks' "Tattoo" but she's done better. She's so tiny and cute, she will probably skate through to a top 12 finish.

I don't quite know what to think about Nathaniel Marshall, the boy part of the Compromise drama camp. He's so my type, with the insane piercings and hair and clothes. But he irks me with his drama queen antics. His acoustic cover of Rihanna's "Disturbia" was pretty cool (in a YouTube-y kinda way), but he may end up with Danny Noriega in the reject pile.

Watch out world, it's "Norman Gentle." I can't decide if he's the biggest joke ever pulled on this show, or just the most obvious one. He can sing, but he's too over the top. If you compare him to other singers who are also funny, like Weird Al, Dave Grohl or John Mayer, he pales so greatly as schtick. I can't really predict where he will end up.

After a couple other performances of "I Hope You Dance" Anne Marie Boscovich is concerned she may not stand out enough. She shouldn't have worried, she sounded almost exactly like Lee Ann Womack and really nailed the right balance of sensitivity and artistic value. She needs to work on being memorable if she wants to make it past the top 36, which she is a shoo-in for.

The oil-rig roughneck with the silky tongue of a country singing seducer, Michael Sarver is my kinda man. He sings really well, and he's really got strikingly dumb good looks. Top 36, possible top twelve.

Finally, Matt Bretsky. I don't remember much about this welder's singing, and they neglected to show any last night. I will be forever grateful that he stopped the Judge's dicking around at the end of the show with the simple question: "So, it's a NO then?" To which the answer is NO, it's a YES! Top 36? Doubt it.

Battle Of The Red One Protogees: Lady Gaga Covers Heidi Montag

The fact I know who Heidi Montag is, let alone what her music sounds like, I blame on my inability to stop read Best Week Ever and watching E! News. The fact that I actually like "Fashion" and "Overdosin'" I blame on Junior. And my inability to hate on a disco beat and a catchy hook.

Well, the real blame for those beats and hooks are producer Red One (which explains the breathy "Red One!" at the beginning of Heidi's "Fashion") who also produced the throbbing beats of Lady Gaga's hit single "Just Dance." Apparently he (she? they?) doesn't care which tarty blond sings his shit, so Lady Gaga gets to release "Fashion" as a single, from the soundtrack to Confessions Of A Shopaholic.

Thing is, there is exactly one difference between the two versions. At the beginning of the Gaga's version, there is no "hey!" or "Red One." That's it. Same beat, same echo-y chorus, same song. Is it weird I like Heidi's better?

But who ever's vocoded vocals are on it, the song is a a delightfully silly romp. I pranced through my apartment like a supermodel, shaking my shoulders and moaning about the need for new stilettos. The fact my bedheaded self was still in my cowboy patterned PJ pants, old Napoleon Dynamite t-shirt and pair of lime green Quarks didn't stop me from thinking I was too fabulous. A girl is just as hot as the shoes she choose...

Grammy Night = We Don't Care About The Young Folks...

As usual, the Grammy awards on CBS last night promised good things. Also as usual, they failed to deliver far too often. And like Charlie Brown, I ran up expecting to kick the football and once again brained myself when Lucy pulled it away.

Not the show was completely devoid of entertainment value. But how sad is it that one of the best performances of the night was thrown together at the last minute to cover for Chris Brown's absence? Rev Al Green with My Southern Boyfriend Justin Timberlake doing "Let's Stay Together" with a little help from My Australian Boyfriend Keith Urban and Boyz II Men was really cool, very fun and not seven million years long. Like say...

U2 doing their godawful new single and Radiohead blathering on about being back where they started from. Just because you could pay what you wanted for In Rainbows doesn't mean it's not boring. I act like I'm not a rock'n'rolla because I'm not. But I can appreciate good rock music. And Coldplay's performance of "Viva La Vida" was stunning. The fact Chris Martin can hop around in a candy-colored jacket and still hold the melody is nothing short of astonishing. Opening the set with the piano based Jay-Z collab "Lost" was another genius move.

Speaking of Hova, how sweet was "Swagger Like Us?" I could have died. Ready-to-pop M.I.A. busts a few lines of her Record Of The Year nominated "Paper Planes" before being joined by the "Rap Pack" of a Jeri-Curled Kanye, an on-fire Jay-Z, Lil' Wayne and T.I. for the nominated all star track. I still love Yeezy's "How does feel to wake up and be the shit and the urine?" It's insanity! Plus I ain't never seen maternity wear quite like Maya's polka dot faux-bikini. Seriously, that is fuckin' awesome.

Also fuckin' awesome? Katy Perry's fruity stage set. J.Hud's emotionally fueled "You Pulled Me Through" starting with an a capella vocal and ending with a massive choir and a little tear. That's what you call an build up! Adele, still chasing those effing pavements, with a little help from Sugarland at the end. And muthafucking Neil Diamond, with the performance of the night! The man can get a crowd of industry types to "bum, bum, BUM" along to "Sweet Caroline" like a bunch of drunk sorority girls at a karaoke bar. Damn, I love me some "Sweet Caroline"

Alas, not all was greatness. While the tween set was sated by some Jo Bros feat Grammy fave Stevie Wonder and a duet between Jo Exes Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, I was left a little cold by both. And Miley makes such weird faces when she sings! And did we need another Beatles tribute? Seriously, didn't we just have two last year? Gawd!

You may have noticed I have purposefully avoided any talk of the winners and losers. That's because Jennifer Hudson's win for Best R&B Album and Adele's win for Best New Artist were the few highlights of the telecast awards. When it's all Raising Sand, all the time you know I have nothing to discuss. Unless you want a rant? You do? Schweet...

OK, I love Alison Krauss. She is a divine goddess among bluegrass singers, her soft dreamy vocals astound me, her contribution to the soundtracks of O Brother, Where Art Thou and Cold Mountain are the stuff musophiles like me dream of when we are forced to put down our iPods and go to the movies. "When You Say Nothing At All" is divine, "Brand New Favorite" is stunning. I loves her, mmkay? I get that Robert Plant is a legend, Led Zepplin is what rockers around the globe long to be. Not my scene, but I get it. Throw in uber-producer T-Bone Burnett and you have the makings of some good stuff, if you're into that kind of sound.

BUT IT'S NOT POP! The biggest problem I had with the multiple wins Alison Krauss and Robert Plant got was the one for Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals. You have the bubbling disco hip-hop hybrid of the Madonna/JT banger "4 Minutes" or the vocal acrobatics of Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown on "No Air" or the electro-synths of "If I Never See Your Face" with Rihanna sexing up a Maroon 5 joint or the Grammy wonder twins John Mayer and Alicia Keys in some song I never heard, and you give it to "Rich Woman" - a nice; if boring; White Stripes rip off? Seriously? I don't get it. It's a nice song, but it put My Real Boyfriend to sleep.

For Record Of The Year, I was gunning for a "Paper Planes" win. M.I.A. is my favorite Sri Lankan baby mama. But I really thought Coldplay was gonna snag it, and I would have been happy for the symphonic rock of "Viva La Vida" to garner some gold. I though Adele would be the most likely to upset the British soft-rockers, "Chasing Pavements" is a very "Grammy" kind of song. And "Bleeding Love" is a pop song with enormousness written all over it. So how did "Read The Letter" win? T-Bone's dick-sucking abilities? Perhaps. It's quite possibly the most boring song I've ever heard. OK, not really. But compared to the others in the category I don't get it. At all.

Album Of The Year I'm less upset about. It would have been nice to give a rap album an award, I believe Outkast's win for the brilliant double disc Speakerboxxx/The Love Below was the last time a hip-hop disc won, Lauryn Hill's equally amazing The Miseducation Of... was the only other time it happened. So I was thinking the possibility of a Lil Wayne win was slim but sneakily enticing prospect, even I didn't think it deserved it. But I figured it would come down to Coldplay or the Krauss/Plant combo platter. And T-Bone's baby pulled through.

Why am I surprised at any of this? Last year I felt the same let down after Herbie effin Hancock beat out Kanye and Winehouse (which elicited a "Herbie can stuff a Hancock in it" from my sister.) In fact, excepting the 2004 awards, I've never really been pleased with the results of the Grammys. Why do watch? So I can blog. How very meta of me...

What The F*** Is Wrong With This Techno Track Featuring Christian Bale? Abso-f***ing-lutley Nothing.

Those who live for E! News (that'd be me...) have already heard about Christian Bale's profanity-laced tirade against a lighting tech while filming the fourth Terminator movie. But! Have you heard it set to sweet techno beat mixed with some Barbra Streisand? RevoLucian has remixed the f-bombs into a realistic club song with a Eurythmic-esque synth sound.

For the record, we all have these moments where we freak out and yell at people. Or, at least I do. So I can see an on-edge Method actor like Bale having a melt down over something like this. He is human after all. Christian will always hold a special place in my heart for playing Laurie in one of my favorite films, Little Women. I had a major crush on him back then, even if I didn't quite know that's what it was.

Whatever your opinion of the Dark Knight's shouting fit, get your fill of 'fuck' with this track: (Language totally NSFW)

Private Message To Lils From Paulbos: "Yes, I Will Be Your Gay"

I just posted my excitement over the new Lily Allen album, It's Not Me, It's You. I've adored lead single "The Fear" and the Bush-bashing "Fuck You" (even though I voted for him!) and the smattering of other leaked songs. But I just heard a new one, a track not listed on Amazon's current page for the album. It's a bonus track from the Japanese pressing of the new album, the song is called "Fag Hag" and I'm loving it!

First, let's discuss the elephant in the room. Is it OK to use the word 'fag'? I don't mind the word, it's no more derogatory to me than calling me a 'gay' or a 'homo' or 'fruity' (I draw the line at 'cocksucker' because it just sounds tacky) but I don't know that my opinion is typical of average gay men. My problem is when someone calls me gay or fag and mean it as an insult. As if to equate fags with dirty or evil people. And you can do that when very politely referring to us a 'homosexual men' or an equally polite word.

But the thing is, 'fag hag' is a cutesy phrase and I don't know of another common expression that adequately describes the unique relationship between a gay man and his female friends. We can't be 'girlfriends' cause only one of us is a girl, and the relationship is different anyway. Girlfriends can fight over boys, but it's rare that I would have a chance at stealing my hags' men and vice versa. I have a lot of female friends who love going shopping with me and 'boy scouting' (as my hag Shannan would say.) I guess you could say we're BFFs, but I have too many to have them all be besties. If they don't mind being called 'hags' I don't mind being called 'fag.' I would totally want Lily as one of my fag hags, I would totally love to be her gay. She's catty, she has great fashion sense and would be a ball of fun.

The song is a frothy bit of pop, with a catchy chorus and an shimmery electro sound. The lyrics describe a stereotypical fag/hag relationship, with the shopping for furniture and the reading of the travel section and the general silliness of that friendship. Listen

Fag Hag - Lily Allen

Looking Forward: New Albums from Lily, Idols, Marianne Faithfull and Patrick Wolf

I'm getting excited! I may have insinuated that the musical world was in the crapper at the moment a few weeks ago, but it was all in jest. Some really great sounding albums are in the pipeline for the first half of the year. Here are the albums that will get me out of bed early on a Tuesday morning, just to have them on release day before work!

Melinda Doolittle - Coming Back To You (Febuary 3rd on Hi Fi Recordings)
She may have come in third on season 6 of American Idol, behind unexpected pop sensation Jordin Sparks and beatboxing hottie Blake Lewis, but no one can deny the soulful vocals and completely polished and professional presentation of Melinda Doolittle. She releases a throwback pop record, which promises all the retro Motown smoothness of Duffy and the gospel grit of Gladys Knight. Download the title track for free at her website. Lead Single: "It's Your Love" (auto-play link)

Lily Allen - It's Not Me, It's You (Febuary 10th on Parlaphone/Capitol)
She may have ditched the ska-lite sound for a more polished electro sound, but the lyrical bite will never go away. Even after doing a bit of growing up after a miscarriage and a spat with Elton John, Lils still swears like an adorable sailor, snaps at hypocrites (including Bush 43 on the delicately titled "Fuck You") and doesn't know what's right or what's real anymore... What I know is I will be buying whatever she's selling. Lead single: "The Fear" (slightly NSFW language)

Kelly Clarkson - All I Ever Wanted (March 17th on Sony BMG)
The original American Idol returns with her fourth album, more in the power pop tradition of Breakaway than the somber rock of her last disc. You already know I'm obsessed with Kelly and lead single "My Life Would Suck Without You" and I'll be bringing you news as I hear it. Oh, BTW rumor has it the next single will be the Katy Perry-penned "(I Do Not) Hook Up" (link is for the Katy Perry demo version, no Kelly leaks... yet.) ZOMG I LOVE KELLY! Sorry, I couldn't contain it any more. Lead Single: "My Life Would Suck Without You"

Marianne Faithfull - Easy Come, Easy Go (March 17th on Decca)
Have we found a female counterpart to Johnny Cash? She had the drug problems and the sometimes actor/singer career, and now she has the whiskey-soaked vocals covering an astonishing array of songs, from Smokey Robinson to Morrisey to Billie Holiday. From the recently Stereogum premeired Decemberist cover of "The Crane Wife 3" and the glorious version of Neko Case's "Hold On, Hold On" to the disturbing latter-day Dolly Parton song "Down From Dover" Marianne goes there and I am so excited to hear this new sound emerge. Four songs available to preview at the album's official website.

Patrick Wolf - Battle (TBA, on Bloody Chamber Music)
Patrick had Marianne Faithfull duet with him on the haunting "Magpie" from his last disc, the noise-pop inspired The Magic Position. He takes it a step further on Battle, scoring a major get with his doppelganger, the fabulous Tilda Swinton, dropping spoken word bits as "the voice of hope" with an even more deranged backdrop of strings, marching band drums, choirs and electrosynths. It might be too esoteric for me, but I'm defiantly intrigued. Listen to a mega mix of new tracks at Battlestocks.

Also looking forward to the rumored new album by Whitney Houston and not at all looking forward to the new U2 disc.