Today is the offical beginning of Holiday Hell at my Retail Place Of Employment. The bland decorations were hung over the weekend, the gift boxes have been placed at the register for weeks now but today is when it goes horribly wrong. We have a satellite radio program called DMX that pipes music into the store and today is the day we switch from the bland adult contemporary stylings of Channel 97: Familiar Favorites (except when I go rogue and play Channel 24: Hottest Hits) to Channel 99: Holidays & Happenings.
Here's the deal. I love Christmas music. And I love old school stuff by Nat King Cole and Barbra Striesand, I love newer songs by Amy Grant and Sarah McLachlan. I love the themes from old Bass/Rankin shows like "Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer." Even the trendy bands like Trans-Siberian Orchestra get a thumbs up. If music is my hot, hot sex (which is all the hot sex I'm getting right now) then Christmas music is my kinky Santa hat fetish (SFW). OK, that analogy broke down somewhere, and I don't have AAA anymore. Back on topic! The point is, I own a zillion Christmas CDs, and more than a few vinyl LPs full of the wintery stuff. Yes, I kick it old school when I want some Anne Murray to bring the party down a notch.
Why is a station devoted to holiday music the bane of my existence? Because they choose the most awful Christmas and 'winter' music ever recorded. Shall I prove it? OK, but I'm warning you. Click "play" at your own risk...
The Pretenders: "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"
I love this song, Judy Garland's version from Meet Me In St. Louis is sublime, and I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm gay. But Crissie Hynde's voice cannot stay on key, the music is sluggish and it's just an awful take on a classic song.
Dean Martin: "It's A Marshmallow World"
It's not just Dino's version of this godawful song that makes me cringe, even the fabulous Darlene Love can't save this overly sweet song from making me want to stab myself in the ears. They play both quite frequently, and I just can't figure out why I hate it so. Is it the sub-"Walking In A Winter Wonderland" lyrics? Is it the catchy tune that worms it's way into your brain so far, you wake up screaming the chorus in the middle of the night - in July? What ever the cause, if they play this song during police interrogation I will crack like a plumber's ass in 2.4 seconds flat.
I'll admit it, the premise of a song about a cute little mouse that helps Santa get ready for Christmas is adorable. I love songs like "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "Frosty, The Snowman" but Chrissy, the Christmas mouse must die. I need mouse traps, rat poison, large portions of cheese (too much cheese causes mice to have such high blood pressure that their hearts explode) a Pied Piper, whatever mouse-removal techniques you have to share I will try. This song makes gives me a headache, and I never even heard the song before I started working for this store.
Can I be straight up honest with y'all? I've been single every Christmas of my life, and it does suck. So I get the sentiment behind this track. However, this song is bloody awful. The lyrics are terrible: "No more blue Christmases/No wonder that I thought that they were going out of style/I just had to meet you to make Christmas seem worthwhile" Um, pumpkin pie? Cookies? A new iPod from your amazing sister? JESUS?!? These are the things that make Christmas seem worthwhile, hun. And the sing-talk verses grate on my nerves. When Natalie sings "Last year, when I had to buy... my Christ Mus Gifts" like William Shatner, I just want to scream "God, make it stop!"
Also, I don't hate the song but I need to know: who decided that "My Favorite Things" from The Sound Of Music was a holiday song? Cause it's not, mmk?
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