Thanksgiving Dessert Recipe: Fool Proof Apple-Cranberry Crisp

Step 1: Go to grocery store. Buy a large bag of local apples, Dr Pepper and Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes. Also, that cute cinnamon mill! It looks like a pepper mill, but it has flakes of cinnamon sticks inside that you grind for fresh cinnamon. Fancy! What, buy cranberries? I'll just use the ones in the freezer I bought last year and forgot to put in the crisp. OK, that good. Let's go home.

Step 2. Eat just one Kandy Kake. OK, two. Drink some Dr Pepper, cause you need some caffeine. Mm, I think I need another Kandy Kake. Oh, so gooood. Yes, my 'O' face and my Kandy Kake face look the same. I can't help it! Turn on oven to like 375 degrees.

Step 3. Peel apples. First, twist off stems and recite the a letter of the alphabet with each turn. Whatever letter it pulls off on is the first initial of your future spouse. I get "F" on most of them. I don't know an "F" Justin Timberlake doesn't even have an F in his name... What was the name of that flirty cashier at Borders? "F" huh? File that info away. Cut apples into quarters, then core that neat way Rachel Ray does. It works! Huzzah! Ouch, cut thumb. Wash sticky hands, put on Band-Aid (R) Brand Adhesive Bandages. OK, cut the apple quarters into three or four pieces. Put pieces in large glass baking dish.

Step 4. Take off sweater, cause it is so stinkin' hot in this apartment when the oven is on. Drink more Dr Pepper.

Step 5. Get cranberries out of freezer. Rinse them off. They look wrinkly. Well, once they back they will look really wrinkly, and Mama said they would keep until next year. Consider using the new ones you bought to fill the centerpiece vase for the table. What Would Martha Do? She would make a fabulous centerpiece, that's what she would do. Screw it, the cranberries will taste fine!

Step 6. Answer ringing cell phone. "Hey, we're going to Ollie's, did you want to come along?" "I'm in the middle of making apple crisp, when are you going?" "We just pulled into your parking lot." "Um, I guess I can put the apples in the fridge and finish later." "OK!" Hurriedly pull sweater back on, turn off oven, cover apples with plastic wrap. Did I turn the oven off? Yes.

Step 7. Get back a couple hours later, cause we also went to Salvation Army Store and had lunch. Get apples out of fridge. They look fine, they didn't even get brown! Pour some sugar in a bowl. Add some cinnamon. Add some more. Shit! Too much! Add more sugar. I think that looks good.

Step 8. Pour sugar over apples and cranberries. Stir the apples until they are covered. Spill some on your jeans. Damn! These are my good DKNY jeans. I should have worn an apron. I should OWN an apron. Something cute, with little dancing chefs or fruit on it. Not a tacky "Kiss The Cook" one, though.

Step 9. Mix some sugar and flour together. Sugar to flour ratio is equal, right? I wish my mom could find the recipe! I called her last year, she told me but I don't remember. Google Apple Crisp. That's right, I can never find a recipe without oats in it. I never had oats on my apple crisp as a kid, and I'm not gonna start now! Screw it, I think it's slightly more sugar to flour. Add cinnamon. Looks good.

Step 10. Cut butter into little chunks, use pastry cutter to blend into crumbly texture. Shoot, the butter is still cold. My pastry cutter keeps bending around the chunks. I should have brought it to room temperature. I'll just use my fingers!

Step 11. Cover apple mixture with flour mixture. I hope this is enough. It needs more sugar, I don't think it'll crisp with that much flour. Pour some sugar on top. Sing loudly "POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME!" Laugh at your own amazing joke. Sprinkle some cinnamon on top.

Step 12. Bake for twenty minutes. Check on it. Not done. Bake another ten. Almost done. Bake another ten. Looks good, smells heavenly. See, no matter how hard I try to screw it up it comes out great!

Step 13. Shit. I should have bought vanilla ice cream.