Let's get recapping! Top Chef is back and it's in New York City, my second favorite
Introductions begin, and we meet this really hot blond egotist named Jeff. In his audition video he reveals he
asks his server if his hair looks good. If it doesn't, he has a comb. Lord, I thought I was the only one! However, under that Chase-from-House face probably resides a Grade-A twatwaffle. Speaking of twatwaffles, don't you love Danny's facial hair? So closeted Jersey frat boy!We also meet Lauren who is an Army wife fresh out of culinary school. She annoys me already, but we also meet her former schoolmate Patrick. They share an excited fruit/fly hug, and Patrick tells us he is on Top Chef at age 21, still in culinary school, to "share his passion with the world." Which I totally believe, if by "share his passion with" he means "be on TV in front of." He's cute though, in a mini-Jay Brannan kind of way.
Oh, but he's not the cutest! That would be my
future boyfriend Richard... le sigh. Richard made me laugh right out loud when he told us his "inner queen" wants to know what Padma is wearing. He's friggin' adorkable, and that's not a culinary boner he's giving me. Oh! What? I don't think David Cook minds when I cheat on him with other reality contestants. He knows he's my little Cookie Monster.Ahem! Where was I? Oh, what was Padma wearing? A fugly wine-colored vest over a white tank and jeans. Now that's Richard's inner queen's curiosity is sated, we can allow our eyes to glaze over while Ms. Lakshmi recites some speech about if you make it in New York... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Wait! What? Did she just say they were gonna kick somebody to the curb during the Quickfire Challenge? Wha? I guess this is Top Chef getting serious up in this muthafucking jawnpiece. Word! And this life altering Quickfire consisting of what difficult challenge? Peeling apples you say, Padma my lovely? Ok, it's not like anyone's gonna sweat blood over some Granny Smith action.
I spoke too soon! MFB (my future boyfriend, Richard) slices his thumb. How do ya like them bloody apples? But he finishes in the top eight, along with resident crazy (every reality show has one!) Carla, who does this hysterical walk/run from the peeling tables. Next, the bottom eight have to brunoise chop the apples. Boring.
Also boring? The dishes the bottom four chefs make. Radhika confessionals early that we shouldn't assume her Indian heritage would cause her to make spicy curries and things. So she makes a totally not-at-all Indian chutney. And it looked really undercooked for a chutney, but Tom and Padma liked it. Newly reunited gay besties Lauren and Patrick both make salads, cause everyone knows how impressive a salad is. I mean, maybe Patrick tosses a really good salad, but still put a little effort into a close elimination challenge. But Lauren really seals her fate by claiming everything's better with bacon. Which is so true, but it's such a public access TV cooking show line.
They end up in the bottom two, and they clench their little hands and look all nervous. Isn't that a sign of the end of the world, hag will battle against f*g? I don't know if his dish was better than hers really but this is Bravo. The gay stays in the picture. Lauren has to pack up her knives and go wait for her soldier boy to return.
The knife block appears, and the chefs pick knives with parts of New York City written on them. They will be cooking dishes inspired by Chinatown or Jamaica or what have you. But not until tomorrow, now it's time to check out the NYC digs!
Back
at the apartments, Patrick, Richard and tatted-up Jamie form Team Rainbow. Bravo thinks this is clever, so t-shirts must be produced. But Team Rainbow is hot. Jamie is my kind of lesbian and I may have dropped a hint about how I feel about Richard. (To quote my gurl Shannan: I luh bby boi!)But it's not all rainbows and hotties, into each episode some drama must fall. The "Euro Duo" Stefan and Fabio pick one of the most important issues facing the international community to discuss rationally with the only person with a thick accent than themselves, Danny. So we have an Italian, a Swede and a Jersey Tool fighting over whether a vinaigrette is an emulsion. You can't make this shit up! I love it.
Let's go shopping! Two contestants go into their assigned neighborhood to shop for ethnic ingredients. The highlights include Carla revealing the depth of her crazy by admitting all her dishes are inspired by her spirit guide. Also by asking the Russian shopkeeper which caviar was the "yummiest." Special culinary term, y'all. Patrick then shows us why he is not just a 21-year-old student. He knows Chinese cooking, he took a class on Asian food at the culinary institute. Which explains why he buys black rice noodles, but never made them before. Can't be too hard, right? We'll see.
So some cooking happens back at the kitchen, nothing too exciting and then the big reveal. The guest judge is Jean-George Vongerichten, which is a major deal? I don't know, unless Julia Child comes back from the dead for a guest judge appearance I doubt I'll recognize any of these major chefs they get to come in. Unless they are also on Food Network or are grade-A hotties like The Naked Chef or Rocco DiSpirito.
So the first head to head competition is between Stefan and Ariana. They are both cooking Middle Eastern, so there is yogurt and lamb and couscous. I love couscous, it's one interesting food item I do like. Stefan's beef and onion skewers with cinnamon is the winner. Ariana's grain was seriously undercooked, thanks to her having idea what the fuck to do with Middle Eastern ingredients.
Now, I see MFB Richard is nursing a serious crush on Tom. I'm not sure how I feel about t
hat. I think Tom is kinda cute, but a little old for me. Richard thinks he has great eyes, which what I'm into also. OMG, we have soooo much in common. He totally likes me! Wait, how did I get "Richard totally likes me" out of "Richard has a crush on Tom?" I have no idea. But the way he says "I think Tom's really cute" is so friggin adorable, you have no idea how hard I'm crushing on him right now. Gah!Anyway, let's talk food again, shall we? Richard made a Greek lamb slider and Jamie made a deconstructed Greek salad. The lamb was overcooked, which put the win in Jamie's corner. Aww, Team Rainbow hugs all around!
Radhika and Jill had Jamaican cuisine. Both looked kinda icky. Jill's scallop was overcooked, Radhika fish was mushy. Jill ekes out a win here.
Fabio reads from his notes, since his English is not that good. Jeff made a coffee seared tenderloin with black beans and rice and some grilled corn cut from the cob, which was not fully plated. It won over Fabio's Carribean mushroom-covered avocado thingy.
For the Russian portion, Hosea and his unfortunate tiny beard made a smoked fish trio, that looked very pretty with the creme fraiche, caviar and apple chutney. Carla's smoked trout on potato latke. It was missing a nice sauce, so Hosea's dish was the clear winner.
Italian! I know a little bit about that kind of food. In fact, I'm eating some luscious Totino's Pizza Rolls right now! I'm sure they're quite authentically Italian. Leah made a red snapper with mushrooms over risotto. It's a very tiny portion! Not very Italian in my experience. But it wins over Melissa's rib eye with arugula salad and tomato sauce. Not enough salt in the sauce, according to Gale.
Here comes Danny's Chinese dish. Poached chicken salad with bok choy, shitakes and won tons, which
is apparently a rip-off of a Wolfgang Puck dish. It's wet, too, according to the guest judge. He even wipes his finger across the plate for dramatic effect. Patrick's sad looking fish and bok choy thing looks like the glossy cover of an '80s cookbook entitled Modern Asian Cooking For The Microwave. It's so very bland, and his black rice noodles were gummy. But he took a course on Cuisines Of Asia! Danny barely won, which leads Patrick to admit to being nervous about being on the bottom again. Oh, Pat, perhaps you should talk to your boyfriend about that in private, not on national TV. (God, the gay jokes are just flowing tonight!)Oh snap, in all my lusting after Richard I forgot I almost had a crush on Alex! He's my safety school, if MFB gets the boot early. I think it's his hair. Anyway, I will never get this recap done if I keep letting boys lead me down the garden path. Alex's Indian dish is lamb chops with ragout and basmati rice. It looks pretty traditional, but with a little spice. Eugene also used basmati rice and lamb, but Padma tells us it's a classic dish called curds and rice. He wins this round. Eugene is excited about his accidental dish.
Deliberations begin. Patrick is called amateurish. Ariana also gets a drumming. She's shaking in her Danskos. Top three is Leah, Stefan and Eugene. Padma reminds them that in every season but one, the winner of the first challenge also won the whole shebang. Stefen takes the win, and he thinks it would be great for a non-American to win Top Chef. Um, OK?
Ariana's under cooking gets rehashed. Patrick's lack of flavor styling is bashed, it needed scallions or something. When Tom wonders what Ariana would have done if a client asked for a Middle Eastern meal, she snaps back that she would have books to look at. Um lady, I may not have a hard on for Tom like Richard does but you still don't get snippy with the head judge. Both chefs are asked why they should stay, both grandstand about passion and all they have to give. Whatever.
Back in the holding room, Patrick is still talking about "sharing his passion" and
I just wanna smack him upside the head. You came to win money or get famous, guppy! It's obvious...So who goes? Newbie Patrick, or old pro Ariana? You'd think the gay card might get played again, but no. Team Rainbow loses it's first member on the first episode, and Patrick packs his knives and go. But not after a big bear hug from MFB (boy, he just gives it up, doesn't he?)
In the previews for the upcoming season we have a lot of swearing and OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! MARTHA STEWART!!! I DIE! See you next week for hot dogs and more New Yawkas, kids!
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