Top Chef Recap: Sour Grapes and Hot Dogs

Previously on Top Chef: I fell in love with Richard; some apples were peeled, food cooked and Team Rainbows formed. A tiny gay boy and an army wife went home. Yes, I know they have names. I just don't bother remembering the cannon fodder's handles. If they have names, I have to feel bad for them and I just don't have time for that.

We open at the apartments with a shirtless Jeff. Hello! He's not really my type, plus he seems more vain than I, but I can't really object to gratuitous male shirtlessness.

Richard relays his sadness at losing a member of Team Rainbow. I relay my sadness at finding out he has had a boyfriend for two years. Tiny emo tear= :'(

Ariane is sitting at the table with Carla, bedhead in full effect. It appears she is eating ice cream for breakfast. There is no judgement in that statement, just an observation. I mean, haven't we all had a pint (or half gallon) at dawn? No? Just me? OK then, moving right along. She is bemoaning the fact that she is one of the oldest contestants. Big deal, it's not like basketball, you don't reach your peak at 25.

The Real Swedish Chef, Stefan, gloats about winning both of the competitions in the first episode. Dude, one was a speed contest involving peeling apples. It's not really an indicator of culinary skillz. Anyway, he thinks Fabio is his biggest challenger. I think a man crush is forming.

Fabio seems unaware of the bromance brewing between him and the other half of the Euro Duo. He is more concerned with sharing this bit of Italian wisdom: "It doesn't matter how many dragons you kill, is who takes home the princess." Wise words. But in this case, is the princess Padma? The title of Top Chef? Princess Toadstool? Barbie As The Princess And The Pauper?

We arrive at the kitchen. Padma introduces guest judge Donatella Arpaia who owns a million restaurants in New York City. Padma lists them for a week or two, but forgets the name of one. Donatella reminds her of Kefi with a laugh that says "You better remember them all bitch, or I will cut you." I may have read too much into that laugh.

So the chefs have to cook a food that New Yorkers spend $100 milli on in a year. Melissa proves herself as the brain trust of the show by guessing cheesecake. Yes, I get that there is a New York style cheesecake, but seriously? I thought pizza, so I may not be any smarter than Missy. The answer to this puzzler is hot dogs.

Not only must the chefs make this street-food favorite but they compete against hot dog queen Angelique. She's so famous, she doesn't even get a chyron to let us know how to spell her name.

Fabio loves hot dogs, but doesn't know how to make them. Well first, get a broom. Sweep up whatever scraps are left from butchering your last kill. Push them into a casing, cook and serve. Not that hard! (Hehe, I said hard and hot dog in the same paragraph. I am so twelve years old!)

Immunity is up for grabs, and they have 45 minutes to make a "signature hot dog" I would cook a weenie, and write my name in ketchup. That's a signature hot dog.

Daniel is crushing hard core on "The Hot Dog Lady of All Time." Perhaps that's why he can't get his pickle jar open. That is not a euphemism. He is twisting, but no lid removal is happening. This is just getting dirtier! Anyway, it's nice to see a tough guy beard does nothing to sway a stuck jar lid.

Fabio decides he cannot beat "American hot dog at his own game." So hot dogs are male, the show is a female? Confusion continues to reign whenever the Italian talks. Anyway, he's making a sausage thing.

Stefen decides on a World Dog, which involves French bread, Irish tartar sauce, Italian sausage and Wisconsin cheddar, panini grilled. The tarter and cheese makes me think of a McDonald's fish sandwich, not really a Top Chef kind of thing.

Padma and Dontella begin tasting with Jill's spring rolls made with store bought hot dogs. They look a little sad, like a Family Circle recipe for budget appetizers. The ladies do not seem impressed. Radhike made a kabob-style sausage (whatever that means, you can't really see it under the onions, cucumber and tomato jam.) Donatella makes a face at Eugene's cheesy dog thing, but it's not really explained. Perhaps she's never had a Hawaiian's hot dog in her mouth before? I never have either, perhaps it's different... Carla made a lamb and pork sausage that was deemed "moist." Jamie's dog had a piece of bone in it. She says that "totally sucked" which a normal lesbian reaction to bones. Or is that boners? My bad...

Stefan gets pissy when his dish is placed at the bottom, next to Jill's. Radhike wins, which is swap from last week's bottom four performance. Good for her!

On to the elimination challenge! The chefs must make a "neo-American" lunch menu for fifty hungry New Yorkers. Each chef will be responsible for one dish. Immediately they start talking over each other, mostly clamoring for dessert it sounds like. Isn't that usually the course nobody wants? Jeff interviews he was just sitting back and letting "the children scream" which sounds like my babysitting strategy. Kidding! He does start organizing the chaos fairly quickly and efficiently.

Once the chefs are divided into courses, shopping can begin! Jill gets excited over an ostrich egg. She's going to make a quiche. OK, so you buy a giant egg to make something you can easily make with a dozen or so regular chicken eggs? Sounds so very cutting edge and "neo-American." Only not really.

Fabio gets some meat (not from Stefan), Richard buys peanut butter and fruit while Jamie peels some corn. And shopping is over.

Back at the kitchen, Fabio, Hosea, Jamie, Melissa and Leah form team Apps. Isn't that an adorably annoying way of saying appetizer? Jamie is making a chilled sweet corn soup. I'm not sure about the "chilled" part, but it sounds kinda tasty. I love corn, but hate soup. But this more like a puree of corn, not the lumpy concoction of various ingredients. My hatred of soup is a texture thing, not a flavor thing.

Jill requires some help for Fabio to crack open her ostrich egg. As the massive golden orb spills forth, Jamie snarks that there is difference between playing it safe and playing it ridiculous. Which makes for a great soundbite, until you listen to it. Of course, there is a difference! The two are a complete opposite.

Over in dessert land, where I long to retire, Carla, Daniel, MFB and Radhika are their sweets on. Adriene is making a lemon meringue martini. I love the idea of a lemon meringue drink, but it has to have enough tartness. She informs us that she's not a baker, so she's nervous. Wait, I thought this was a drink? I guess it's a drink with a meringue on top, so that's the baking required. And meringue is some what difficult to make. So why attempt it? Gah!

Tom walks into the kitchen to drop a couple of knowledge bombs up in this jawn. First, the restaurant for the challenge? His own, Craft. Also, the fifty hungry New Yorkers? All tried out for Top Chef, and didn't make it. Oh snap! This is not just a tough crowd, this a pissed out crowd out for blood. And a spin off show of their own.

We arrive back at the apartments, and the Euro Duo Man Crush Hour is back on. It's not as exciting as it sounds. Ooh, do we have some straight crushing going on, too? Leah admits to preferring the boyfriended state to the single one. Me and you both, honey! She looks like Vanessa Carlton as she cozies up to Hosea.

Day Two! Two hours are given for prep at Craft. Fabio dismisses Jamie's corn soup as being "pure and simple as it gets." Which compared to the spherical olives he's making for his salad, yeah it's pretty simple. He's got some olive puree which he places in some sort of liquid that suspends the puree in a ball, which is firm on the outside and liquid on the inside. I hate olives, but that is really cool anyway!

Adriane is wandering the kitchen, force-feeding her lemon cream to everyone like a demented mama bird. She gets a couple of reactions of "too sweet" so she considers making it again. Instead, she gets defensive: "You know what? It's what I made, it's what I'm gonna serve." That's the attitude of a WINNER!

Out in the dining room, the Top Chef rejects are arriving. As they are interviewed, I see why they didn't make it on the show. They were really hamming it up. "Cherry Surprise? What is that? I'm not happy about it!" Really?

Speaking of hams, Carla gets animatedly excited about Tom being in the kitchen. She needs a Seroquel, for reals. Or at least some Calms Forte.

Serving of the "Apps" begins. Jamie is really psyched about her corn soup, with chili oil and mint. That does sound good, really good. "Top three, for sure," she crows. Perhaps she is not over-confident, the judges really like it. Hosea is also quite stoked about his crab salad. The judges are not as enthused. Gail says it has a muddy taste. Leah made a potato and scallop thing. She sounds bored describing it, it looks boring and Padma says it looks very 80s. A diner claims the scallops are sandy. Eww. Fabio's dish gets rave reviews. Padma lifts one of her spherical olives with a fork and declares it beautiful. It really puts the new in neo-American. Melissa's grilled avocado with nectarines is quite forgettable. One smarmy diner claims he could have done better than that. Dude, I think I could have done better than that.

Appetizers are done, dinner is served! Jill presents her ostrich egg quiche. I looks really dry. She think originality should garner her some points, but I think that may be the only points she accumulates. The comments are "looks like dog food" and "tastes like glue" so yeah. Go originality? Eugene attempts a deconstructed open face meatloaf sandwich. It looks like literal shit. Donatella is more genteel, but voices that complaint openly. Stefan made halibut with pasta. Yawn. Jeff is slow at getting his honey mustard chicken with spoon bread out to the diners. Is it worth the wait? Yeah, his comment is "I have no complaints about this dish." Any other episode, this would be damning with faint praise, but I think it's enough to keep him safe. Alex's pork tenderloin looks really scary, with a bright red demi-glaze of red beet. The reviews are not good, but I was to terrified by the bloody dish.

Bring on the diabetic coma, it's time for dessert. Radhika made an avocado mousse with chocolate wontons. I'm not an avocado fan, but I think it looks so pretty with the chocolate brown against the pale green. One of the judges say it tastes like sweet guacamole. Daniel doesn't make twatwaffles to match his facial hair (I will never let that go!) Instead, pound cake with toasted pistachios and strawberry sauce is served to pleasant reviews.

Here comes the moment we have all been waiting for, ever since they first started the promos. Ariana sends her martini thing out. It looks like a lot of flavors going on, cherries on the bottom, as well as lemon curd and meringue. Padma takes a bite, gives a face. Yes! She spits the offendingly sweet nibble into her napkin. I think that'll send her home.

MFB Richard gets a better review, thank God. His sandwich of banana bread with peanut butter and bananas brulee was deemed an "after-school snack." I think the word they were looking for was afternoon delight. Carla's apple tart looks like heaven! But the little slice of cheddar on the side, next to the apple chips? Not so devine. I looked really cheap and oily, like it came in a Lunchable that sat out too long. But I am seriously craving some apple tarts, though. Good job!

The diner's remarks were really vicious, but in a rehearsed kind of way. When some prick in a sweater vest and buzz cut goes "As a possible candidate for Top Chef, it almost angers me to eat this food," I could almost see the script he prepared sitting on his table. I'm pretty articulate, and can come up with some witty remarks on the fly, but that's quite a compound sentence to pull out of thin air. And it angers you? Get a fuckin' life.

Even before judge's table, Tom clearly articulates that there were some serious mistakes. Ouch. The panel deliberates as the cheftestants clean up. Tom calls the menu clunky, regional and old-fashioned. He seems truly shocked at the vast gap between last week's good-to-brill selections and this week's hot mess.

Tom pulls the bottom and top chefs into the judges room, but not before letting the whole cast know that he was impressed with how quickly the chefs set up and sent out the dishes. But the dishes were far less impressive. He says he thought they set back American Cuisine about twenty years. Another "ouch."

Jamie, Hosea, Fabio, Carla, Arian and Jill file before the judges table. Carla gets praise for her tart, and gets told about the cheese. No sooner does Padma say Fabio's name and he's off running with a long winded defense of his dish. He rattles off the ages of the cheese and vinegar, the grade of meat and number of plates of this very salad he sells in his restaurant, ending with "You tell me why I am here!" Padma: "You're here because we liked your dish." Oh. Oops! Laughs all around. Gail is all about the grilled lemon, but Tom and Donatella rightfully zone in on the ingenious spherical olives. Jamie's corn also gets some great reviews, but Fabio is the clear winner. He is excited to be tied with his Future Boyfriend Stefan for elimination wins. They even seal the man crush with a little kiss. I know!

Hosea is mystified as to his appearance in the bottom three. I am too, it looks like a Top Chef dish with the mango and crab and vanilla and citrus. I looks like it should work, but Gail says the flavors were just off. I'm guessing using tinned crab led to that. Ariane knew her dessert was too sweet, but she thought she just tasted it too many times.

Oh Jill. Your defense made as much sense as the emails I get from my MySpace stalker. You rambled on about eggs and pressure and trailed off at random points. It was so uncomfortable to watch, I had to laugh. The reaction shots from the panel were priceless.

Ariane is convinced she is going home. I was too, until Jill had her "I have an egg" speech. That sealed her fate, and it looks like some knife packing is in her future. Both ladies weep, and Carla is forced to comfort the one who is staying. Ariane doesn't think she deserves to stay, but Carla claims the universe doesn't make mistakes. Carla, hun, you do realize According To Jim lasted 6 years? I think the universe is not infallible.

Next week: Foo Fighters' Thanksgiving. 'nough said.