Last Week: Jill made glue-flavored dog food out of an ostrich egg. She went home, obviously. Stefan and Fabio kissed. HoYay!
We open in the apartment, and it's boring chit-chat. I'm not wasting my holiday weekend recapping that shit. Moving on!
The cheftestants gather in the GE kitchen. Padma walks in and her rack is really something to behold. Maybe I've been blind, since boobs are not my thing, but I don't recall her having such spectacular cleavage. Someone got a new bra! (My aunt, the tiny faux-lesbian, has no boobs, and she has one bra that just creates something out of nothing. They exist!)
Anyway, enough tittie chatter.
The chefs have to draw knives. Each knife has a big-ass number on it and I'm as mystified as they are as to what the numbers mean. It's a page number from The Top Chef Cookbook, available now in bookstores and makes a great holiday gift. Buy one!
It's a pretty simple challenge, at least the chefs seem to think so until Padma and Batman walk back in after about ten minutes. There is this weird camera angle on Padma, she's in profile and shouting "Stop!" She looks so intense for the first time ever. OH NO! She's showing human emotions this season, someone call the professor. The virus may spread to Heidi and our Host-bots will revolt!
The reason for stopping the cooks mid-chop is this: the Padma-bot wants soup. Y'all better make the lady some soup, who knows what other malfunctions she may have. Since there is no time make broth, some Swanson Broth has been provided. Say it again, Padma: Swanson Broth Soup Quickfire Challenge. Now that the sponsors have been please, go about your culinary business. Make a soup using the ingredients you already had out for the Top Chef recipe.
Leah is nervous, because she has Hung's Tuna Tartar with white asparagus. She has to make a chilled soup to have raw tuna. Plus, she hates white asparagus. Carla is also nervous about making a soup out of an Oil Poached Shrimp dish, but she feels like a culinary MacGyver. Also, she layers flavors and uses "that special ingredient, love." Aww, just like mama! Jamie is not worried, cause she loves soup. She uses Middle Eastern flavors all the time, so a soup based on a deconstructed falafel is a piece of cake. MFB Richard ran out of time before he could add extra lime juice to his Mexican soup.
Padma and The Dark Knight start tasting soups. Adriane is told her lamb is over cooked, MFB needed more acid but most of the reviews were positive. Daniel made a ham and egg soup, which Padma loved.
Jamie, Leah and Daniel were picked as the top recipes. Leah eked out a win, apparently you don't have to like white asparagus to cook with it. There is no bottom three, which is probably since there didn't seem to be a super-sucky soup.
Leah gets to choose a team, she picks Hosea, Jamie, Radhika, Michelle, Fabio and Stefan. Fabio is very excited about working with HFB (his future boyfriend) Stefan. Don't worry, there will be kissing!
Padma tells the teams that she has a video from the clients they will be cooking for. Foo Fighters! The teams will not be learning to fly, however. They are cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the band and their crew. The chefs are stoked, since all chefs want to be rock stars "and now we're cooking for rock stars!" Um, that's kinda sad. Cooking for someone in your dream job is not a thrill, it's a diss. Anyway, Padma has a copy of the band's tour rider, which is hoot to read! She gives the important bits: they love bacon, chocolate covered bananas and they have a bunch of vegans on their staff. Get your tofurkey on!
OK, I'm not a vegan, I love bacon and fried chicken too much to give it up. But I understand that vegans like to have their values respected just like everyone else. That said, it's Stories From Retail time! At work on Saturday I had a guy ask me if this pair of hiking boots was all man-made materials. They had a mixture of suede and nylon panels on them, so I replied in the negative. He turned to a younger guy I assumed was his son (who was totally cute, by the way!) and asked if that was too much leather. The kid scoffed and said it was. My brain is cycling through reasons why someone would want only man made materials, most customers are on the prowl for real leathers and won't believe me when I tell them that black polished leather is real leather. But I settle on the "moral dilemma" thing and ask if the dude is vegan. He was, and I showed him some vinyl snow boots. Dad is not pleased, because he doesn't think they look very comfortable or useful for walking. They are not the best boots we carry, but they are serviceable winter footwear. But I don't think Dad got his head around the fact that his kid didn't want leather, some parents don't understand their kids have values that differ from them. So I get vegans, even if I don't think I could ever become one. Plus, since yeast is a living being, can they eat leavened bread?
Back on topic! The chefs head to Rochester to cook a Thanksgiving feast at the arena. They get a tour of the building, but Fabio is just itching to get into the kitchen. However, the kitchen is actual an outdoor veranda with a bunch of shelves full of toaster ovens and microwaves. No fridge, no freezer. Yikes! Fabio opines that if they can do it in these conditions, no one has an excuse not to put out a good Thanksgiving. It's true, I managed to make Shoo-Fly Pie this year and only managed to coat the bottom of my oven in burning molasses. The pie turned out fabulous, though.
The teams plan their menus. Ariane is making turkey, Jeff suggests a banana s'more, since no freezer for chocolate covered bananas. Richard is making that, but it wasn't his idea. I want to you to remember that!
Off to the grocery, we learn that Leah's team is called Team Sexy Pants for no reason. Alex explains that his team is called Team Cougar, because Ariane is a cougar. She's a mom, and "older than some of us" but still works out in short shorts (I need video of this!) and is on the prowl. Um, OK. Someone has a Mrs Robinson crush. Ariane seems befuddled by this title, but it makes her smile.
They shopping done, and Fabio makes his move on Stefan again. He kisses him on the forehead before they leave the store. I'm really hoping these two kids make it work in this crazy world.
Back at the arena, Eugene proves to be the real McGyver as he rigs a grill out of chafing dishes and charcoal for making some pork loin. But it starts to rain and Fabio has an understandable freak-out about not going home because his tiramisu got wet. I understand, because a ruined tiramisu is a tragedy! Not like a tsunami or AIDS epidemic, but still pretty sad.
Daniel is also freaking out, cause his roasted potatoes won't brown. So he microwaves them and mixes them in with the mashed ones, at Eugene's suggestion. Sounds gross.
There is a mad rush to get the food on the buffet line before time runs out. Everything makes it. Boring! I wanted to see a mad turkey dash, with Ariane giving a hand off to Alex and having the poultry hit the floor. That would have been exciting!
Anyway, Hosea fanwanks over serving rock stars again. MFB Richard just wanks over serving hottie Tom Collichio. The boy is seriously in love!
The Judges and the Foos start at the Cougar's buffet. Spoonbread with figs standing in for stuffing, potatoes, pork loin, turkey, macaroni and cheese with what Alex calls "some love, baby" but the rest of use the word bacon. Dave Grohl gets a culinary boner over the bacon. Who doesn't? Bacon is the best food ever.
Taylor and Dave both diss the spoonbread, they are not a fan of the figs. But the turkey is perfectly cooked and the drummer loves the pork. Especially the fact he rigged his own smoker thingy. The potatoes are deemed "underdone" and the mac and cheese is beloved. Time to hit Sexy Pants' buffet.
Turkey, vegan cornbread stuffing, yams, roasted corn salad. Nate loves the stuffing, Dave loves the yams with burnt marshmallows. He really hams it up about the need for burnt marshmallows on yams. I think I would punch him in the balls if I hung out with him for any length of time.
The gang heads back for dessert. This year, I made all the desserts for Thanksgiving. I made an Apple-Cranberry Crisp and an Apple Crisp, two Pumpkin Pies and a Shoo-Fly Pie. They were delicious, and like William Hung I have no professional training. So what does a real chef do? Fabio makes a pumpkin tiramisu with cinnamon and roasted honey. It's sounds heavenly. There is also a blueberry-peach crisp with cinnamon cream at Sexy Pants buffet. Also sounds good. The Cougars made a peach cobbler and a berry parfait with pumpkin mousse. Not as appetizing, but the cobbler looks decent. Dave has a positive reaction to the s'mores at the buffet.
Back at the tasting table, Sexy Pants get a major thumbs up. Tom tries to get all "chef" on them, talking about how an Italian made an Italian classic with a American twist, but the Foos are just loving the sugar rush and don't care. Taylor disses the Barf-eit and the vanilla creme on the s'mores gets compared to spit. Tasty.
There is no clear consensus as to who should win. The desserts are better from Sexy Pants, but Cougars made a better turkey. Daniel thinks Cougar is gonna win, he has his party underwear on. That is not an image I wanted, thanks. Although it makes me wonder, does he shave his pubes like that? Eww! Why did I have to go there?
Foo Fighters pick Sexy Pants, who get to come to the concert. Cougars have to clean up. I guess Daniel will have to keep his party underwear to himself.
Daniel flips off Sexy Pants back at the stew room. Classy man, Mr. Twatwaffle Face. At the Judges tables, Gail give Ariane props for the perfectly moist turkey, but Daniel gets told about his awful potatoes. Jeff also gets blasted for his parfait and his spoon bread. But his leadership skills are appreciated by his team. He's a bit miffed that they are in the bottom, since they "have a lot of heart." As Simon would say, this isn't Heart Idol. The s'mores are named a "failed concept" by An American Psycho.
The judges deliberate, and MFB gets hit hard for his Smores, but so does Twatwaffle. The thing is, both guys were talked into these decisions by others. They didn't bring that up, which is admirable. Plus, it was ultimately their choice to make this shit. But they fact that the concept for the s'mores was Jeff's should have been discussed, since it was an Epic Fail. I guess I'm just fanwanking, because I want Daniel gone before Richard. Because I love him!
Speaking of the twat faced one, Daniel is dripping peanut butter on the floor in the stew room. Jamie (and her unfortunate choice of headgear) is having none of it! Daniel attributes her behavior to Aunt Flo, which is such an neanderthal thing to say.
Boo! It comes down to Jeff, Daniel and Richard. MFB goes home. He weeps, I weep, Justin Timberlake tells us to cry him a river. We do. He'd tried out three times before, and that makes me a little sad. That I fell in love with a loser! Just kidding, Richard. You will live in my heart next to Blake Lewis and that one guy from Top Design as my Reality TV Crushes.
Next Week: Kathie Lee Gifford doesn't swallow. No wonder her hubby cheated. I'm so timely with my jokes!
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